Monday, December 31, 2007

Where on Earth have I been?

Well, since my last post I have made my own rpg. It's an original rpg with a spooky theme to it. I ask for original characters only and the result: I'm getting characters from Buffy, descendants of Van Helsing or clan of LeStat. ARRRGH! Why is it so hard for people to follow simple rules?

I also made rules for people to discourage them from making Mary Sues and Gary Stus but what do you suppose has happened? The club is over run with the vermin clamouring for the center of attention. My friends and I enjoy a nice easy role playing style together but the Mary Sues and Gary Stus are so overwhelming that it's hard to complete a simple story with just us.

God moding happens all the time. I've gone into GREAT detail to explain what it is and how even simple words can be writing for another character but some people still do it. It's very frustrating to read it and have it done to you. People just refuse to understand how destructive it can be.

My blog will cover God Moding soon. Don't you worry, readers! I will cover this most vile of all rpg crimes. After you read it, you'll never be confused again.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Kawaii: A Culture of Crippling Cuteness

What the Hell is Kawaii?

Kawaii is
defined as cute. It’s a Japanese culture that promotes infantile adorableness and childlike behavior, especially in women. It also involves fuzzy animals who speak in baby talk and have eyes as large as soccer balls. Here are some links to wikipedia and Google that gives you a peek into this creepy phenomenon.

On the surface it seems innocent but Kawaii characters demand lots of attention. Luckily, they are easy to spot and because these "Kawaii Sues" make quite a scene out of themselves. Through appearance and actions they can crap all over a good role playing game like babies without diapers.

Kawaii Sues vs Physical Appearance

It’s not a rule that Kawaii Sues have to be Japanese but they will have a connection to Japan in some way. Usually this is evident when they have a Japanese name and make a point of saying they like anime. There’s a great chance their avatar will be anime. It will be twinkly and glittery and just too cute for precious, fucking words to describe.

They often have really weird colored hair or eyes. Pink, white, silver, purple. Here is a Kawaii Sue I ran into in a Harry Potter rpg:

"Tia's favorite colour is purple so naturally she had dyed her hair purple and wears purple contacts. Tia's hair even though it is purple holds a great beauty to it, with it long waves and a perfect glittery shine to it, many start to wonder it this is her real hair. Tia always wears purple with her out fits. If she is found walking the halls in her school robe, you will not be surprised to find she had tied a purple scarf around her waste to keep it closed. On the weekends however, Tia is never caught without wearing her favorite outfit, the purple shoes with white netting knee high socks. A purple skirt with fluffy bonbons hanging down, and a purple top that is loose but comfortable all the same. Tia also loves to wear jewellery, she wears bracelets and necklaces and dangling earrings to match. The best word people use for Tia, is that she is just so Purple."

As a side note, I am becoming profoundly disturbed by all this misuse of the word "waste" by Mary Sues. They all have some sort of signature on their "waste."

Kawaii Sue Biographies

I can only imagine that in order for a Kawaii Sue to act so childish, it makes sense to the author to make the reason psychological. Something traumatic happened to this person, otherwise they are just childish morons in sailor suits. Usually the reasons are fairly heavy in origin. Lots of horrible child abuse, a pitiful isolation from the outside world, watching their parents get killed by vampires or some shit like that.

Meet Shero (Picture to the above):

"Her real father was mean and cruel; he was very lazy and did bad things to Shero when she was very little. That is the reason her mother took her away from him thought ever since she has no spoken a word because of the bad thought of her real father."

Whatever their background is, you can bet a Kawaii Sue’s storylines will center around whatever the incident was that put them into this state of perpetual immaturity.

Kawaii Sues vs Social Interaction

Kawaii Sues, due to their isolation, have little understanding of the real world. It's intended to be cute when
they are puzzled by simple conversations but depending on the genre, having to explain life to a Kawaii Sue is excrutiating. It's like trying to swim with a weight around your neck because Kawaii Sues need constant attention from whomever they come in contact with. Some of this attention comes in the form of what I like to call Kawaii Questions.

Kawaii Questions are different from normal questions in that they are stretched out to their most insane degree. Kawaii Sues have grown up with a limited knowledge of things and they apply their stupidity to these questions and come up with a question that is usually meant to embarrass the person being asked.

Here are some examples:

"So tea is made of chewed up food that sits in water for hours?"
"Cows poop out butter and you eat it on toast with jam?"
"Does TV come from little people in the air who get sucked in through wires?"
"Why does it hurt when I stick my fingers in the toaster? Will it hurt less if I stick my toes in?"
"Can I dry off my cat in your microwave? She's all wetsies."
"He's so dreamy but why does he make me all tingly- you know- down there?"

Kawaii Sues vs Sex

Despite how rock stupid Kawaii Sues are, they are more than willing to shuck off their diapers to have incredibly kinky sex. In fact, some have obscenely overdeveloped breasts under those sailor uniforms and little knowledge of bras so no wonder sex comes naturally to them.

Perhaps this is due to the horrible childhoods they had where they were probably sexually abused. I have no idea. I'm no psychologist so the reason for their rampant promiscuity is anyone's guess. All in all, Kawaii Sue sex is regarded as pure and innocent no matter what the source. Kawaii Sues don't know any better and if they did, the illusion that they are babies would be ruined. Just expect the titties in your face to belong to a chick with the brains of a 4 year old.

In Conclusion

Kawaii Suethors are after attention, not a true storyline so their mental deficiencies are rarely dealt with, just inflicted on others. Personally, I will never understand the appeal of playing one but as far as rpgs go, they usually choke and die fast. They can't keep up with the action because they want to stay stagnant. If you see one in your rpg travels, don't expect any plot advances but do expect a grown chick who barely understands what underwear is for. And if you like that kink, stay the hell out of my rpgs.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Remember when Willow did that spell that awakened all the Mary Sues?

Name: Kendrix (Meet this Jessica Alba look-alike who became a slayer in the Buffy based rpg. It seems that when Willow awakened all the potentials into slayers, she gave millions of Mary Sues an excuse to Mary Sue all over perfectly innocent rpgs and ruin them on a grand scale. Here's Kendrix, a textbook Mary Sue. Also, where is Jessica's belly button? I see slight discoloration around the area where it's meant to be but I see no actual belly button. CREEPY!)
Age: 19
Hair color: Black with red streaks in it (originally blond)
Eye color: Blue
Looks: has a tattoo of the triquetra on the back of her neck,a tiger tattoo on her left shoulder, a tattoo of black panther on her right shoulder. (I had to look this up. When I first saw it, I groaned. Is she stealing from Charmed too?) Has a nose ring, belly button ring (But there is no belly button. That's just awkward.) , eye-brow piercing, birthmark on her back just above her waste (Ew! A birthmark on her "waste." Witches are truly evil if they go so far as to have birthmarks on their poop.) -all the witches/wiccans in her family has one just like it (male and female). (What is wrong with this family? Gah!)
Weapons: she carries two athemes that were given to her by her grandmother that has been handed down they are used for good not evil as well as two stakes given to her by some mysterious person (Perhaps she should have learned about punctuation instead of witchcraft. Also, she was just handed some stakes? That's awfully convenient, wouldn't you say?)
Occupation: Witch/Wiccan and Slayer (but mostly Slayer) (She's a little of this and a little of that. A witch and slayer. I have seen so many Mary Sues pull this crap that it's tiring. If you think I'm overreacting to this slayer/wiccan thing then A.) You are a Suethor or B) Read further. It gets better!)
History: Was born into a family of witches. Her powers were bound by her grandmother to keep her safe and also so she could have a normal life but that lasted until she ws 11 that's when her powers manifested when she turned 16 her full powers came out. (I knew it! Just like on Charmed! I am surprised she doesn't look like Alyssa "Cooter Face" Milano.)
She lived with her older sister and her husband because their mom and younger siblings had been killed by warlocks and dad was killed by vampires. (DAMN YOU, VAMPIRES!!! Do you not care that in your wake you are leaving thousands of Mary Sues behind. DAMN YOU!!!) When Willow did the spell to call all the slayers she got stronger but has yet to find out she is a slayer she knows about slayers but just doesn't think she is one or can be one. (But I bet she knows how to use those athemes and those stakes. It's a good thing she's so prepared to fight evil despite being so conveniently clueless.)
Giles is her long lost Uncle. (Oh holy smeg!!! I call a big serious foul on this peice of shit.) Kendrix's father and he were brothers. He has no idea that she is a slayer or even a witch he doesn't even know she exists or that his brother died. (Um... wouldn't it follow that if he didn't know she existed, he won't know she's a witch or a slayer either? It can't possibly be the other way around. That's just silly.) She hardly uses her magic though because it tends to go a tad haywire at times and when she gets mad well she isn't all fun to be around (*think Dark Willow) (Really, Dark Willow? What other Mary Sue qualities can we pile on here? She's already as strong as Buffy, as evil as Dark Willow, as smart as Giles... will she now be as Key-y as Dawn, as ex-demony as Anya, as lesbiany as Tara or twice as one eyed as Xander? Why the Hell do we even need the Scoobies at all? Kendrix can do it all by herself.) she will use them if needed but when not needed she keeps her magic on the down low. Her weakness is her family and she doesn't really trust a whole lot ofpeople.
(**note she is not all mighty even though it may seem from the bio**) (A disclaimer. Phew! She nearly made herself perfect. It's a good thing that she clarified that despite all her awesomely mad skills, she's humble about it. We shall see. I may be role playing up against her soon. I'll let you know if Kendrix attacks my character for even thinking a sinister thought before my character has even acted on it. That will be the test... not the test for being a Mary Sue because she excells in that. It will be my test to see how much more of this shit I can handle before going insane.)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

What if N*Sync were Pirates!!!111!!!!????

How comepletely awesome would that be 'cause pirates are cool and so is N*Sync!? OMG!!!11!!! Let's explore how cool that would be, shall we?

Here's a club I found where the mod wants you take on a pre-made character. You can be either an N*Sync boy or a busty wench. Here's a list of the characters and how the mod wants you to play them:

Cursed Pirates

Ship: The Pendelum (Hey, pirates can't spell so lay off!)

Berf: La Isla Maldecidas (Now, I have no idea what a 'berf' is but here are some websites that may explain it if you have the time: The British Eye Research Foundation,, Urban Dictionary: Berf, or Triple Berf.

The Pirates abourd The Pendelum are cursed with impotence because Justin jilted a Voodoo Priestess named Tabita, and berf on the La Isls Maldecidas. (Berf Glass, maybe?)(Oh! And Timberlake can't get it up. HAW!)

The Men

The Men (Yes, this appears twice.)

Justin ()- Captain of The Pendelum and a real bad egg. He has his own wench, Constance, who's just as nasty as he is. He jilted Tabita for her, but ever since the curse the only one in the relationship getting any real pleasure is she. When the pirates on the Pendelum kidnap the govenor of Port Henry's daughter for ransom, things change. The plans go awry and he falls in lust with Eliza, which later turns into love. (Okay, so "Pendelum" could be a joke on how limp and floppy his dick is. Yeah. Haw! I offer this picture of his "Dick in a Box" sketch on SNL to offer proof to all his fans that his dick is fine.)

Chris ()- The first mate of The Pendelum. He has been a pirate all his life, his grandfather was once the captain of the Pendelum. He risks being left on a deserted Island with nothing but a compass and a pistol with one bullet when he starts a relationship with Constance, even though he can't (like all the Pendelum Pirates) fully consumate anything. It's his idea to kidnap one of the women from the Blue Diamond (I have nothing to offer here except that I think Chris looks like an icky elf. I can't be the only one who feels this way.)

The Women
Constance ()- a really bad egg, who stole Justin from Tabita and so is essentially the reason for the curse. But she thinks nothing of it, and blames everyone else. Loves the fact that the only one who can reach ulitmate pleasure is she, out of her relationships with the men on board, but does miss fully consumating them. In an effort to feel wanted and powerful she leaves Justin's bed for Chris'...but will that prove to be more then the right choice to make or will her wandering eye keep her from ever finding true love? (Aren't both men impotent? Does this mean she crawls into bed with both only to find no woo in the hoo? Isn't that the definition of insanity- expecting to get it on with both when she ought to know neither shiver their timbers?)

Eliza ()- The daughter of the Governor of Port Henry, she was a spoiled child and a spoiled woman. Engaged to another official in Port Henry she did not love, she was almost relieved to find herself away. However, being kidnapped and held for ransom was not her idea of a wonderful trip. This get more complicated for her when she falls for the captian of the pirate ship that kidnapped her, Justin. (She'd have more luck falling for Constance. They can open each other's pleasure chest.)

The Good Pirates

Ship: The Blue Diamond

Berf: La Isla De La Pasion (Yung Berf?)

The Pirates aboard the Blue Diamond, which berfs on La Isla De La Pasion, are not cursed and go after those on the Pendelum when kidnap Esmerelda and then in turn Belle. (Berf's Bio?)

The Men

JC ()- Captain of The Blue Diamond, like his father before him and his grandfather before him. His band of pirates, pilage and plunder but they refrain from rape. Actually they respect women. He has no quandry with The Pendelum, he's heard about their curse however, until they mess with the women aboard his ship. He's known Belle their whole lives, the only thing that troubles their relationship is her father. When she's kidnapped during a rescue mission he goes balistic and will stop at nothing to get her back. (He has no 'quandry' with the Pendelum? Him and me both. I don't understand it either. I'm not even gonna try.)

Lance ()- The first mate of the Blue Diamond. Content with his position as first mate, doesn't aspire to more. Easy going for a pirate, until his woman Esmerelda is kidnapped. He didn't realize how much he loved her until she was gone, and does everything he can, thankfully with the help of his captain and ship mates to get her back. After that his overprotectiveness and her father, threatens their relationship. (I could make a gay joke here but I'm not even sure what to say. I'm no good with those jokes. I will laugh at the word "overprotectiveness" however. I demand more prefixes and suffixes!)

Joey ()- second mate of the Blue Diamond. Like Lance, he's content with his position aboard the Blue Diamond, a bit of a jokester and clown. He is the one that finds and accepts responsibility for the stow away, Sophie. His sense of responsiblity towards Sophie soon turns to love, but she's a landlubber and he feels she needs to be returned to her family. (They come from two different worlds. He's from a boy band and she's a desperate fan girl. They can have all sorts of crazy clown sex but it will never amount to anything.)
The women
Belle (Anndee)- short for Jezebelle. She is the daughter of the famous pirate Blackbeard. She has his startling blue eyes, hence her pirate nickname of Blue-eyed Devil Belle. Her father was close with the captian of the Blue Diamond, JC's father, and because of it's respect for women he sent her and her sister to be fostered there. That was his first mistake if he didn't want his daugthers to be with pirates. She is Captain JC's right hand wench and his lover. Her father is constantly butting in and trying to keep them apart whenever they visit him on his island, La Isla De Blanca Joyas. A pirate wench to contend with she's deadly with swords and a crack shot with a pistol and will use her beauty to distract her opponent. When her sister is kidnapped, she's fights, like always, side-by-side with the crew. But when she lets her guard down, she's captured and she must and will escape. (ROLE TAKEN) (She's a Mary Sue and her role is taken. I'M SHOCKED! Also, Blackbeard's sending them off to a ship full of pirates that are sensitive to women? Bitch, please. He should just say, "I beg you to deflower my little girls.")
Esmerelda (Lexi)- the younger daugther of the pirate Blackbeard. She does not share the eyes of her father and sister Belle, but she does have the raven black hair her father was famous for. Like it is for her sister, her father is a hinderance to any relationship she's in. Has what she thinks Lance considers a casual dalliance, until she's kidnapped by The Pendelum, and when she's rescued, and her sister is captured, she finds that he truly cares for her. The control he start to exert over her life due to his now overprotectiveness, is starting to annoy her. She wants to help find her sister, but he doesn't want her anywhere near harm's way. (ROLE TAKEN) (Also taken. SHOCK!!!! And how do these bitches keep getting kidnapped anyway? They are May Sues who keep getting kidnapped when it's already been shown they have bigger balls than their male counterparts. I think the sisters just like the kidnap kink of it all.)
Sophie()- A landlubber and orphan. A maid in the Governor's household in Port Bijoux, she yearned for adventure and a life free of "no sir...yes sir". So she stowed away on the pirate ship The Blue Diamond. When Joey finds her, she's certain she's going to be thrown overboard. She's surprised when the idea isn't even brought up, even more surprised when Joey takes responsiblity for her until they reach Port Bijoux again and she can be returned to the family that doesn't exist. Along the way though the two find a very lasting love. (And crazy clown sex followed by an uncerimonious boot out at Port Bijoux. No. I suppose that won't happen- at least not the booting. Mary Sues like this will get kidnapped and then preggers and will stick around FOREVER!)
I found this club abandoned and I wish I could even read the posts the members wrote. I would like to have shown you the Mary Sues in action and someone pretending to be Justin Timberlake with a flacid wee-wee. I can only guess that this club crumbled because fan girls wanted to get with Timberlake and couldn't but I think it has something to do with pre-mades. They wreck clubs like voodoo witches can ruin erections.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Silly Ass Banners

Banners are pictures that are seriously photoshopped until they are just too silly for words. People create them to make their characters seem important, show their icky love for a canon, show what relationships they want canons to have, or a lot of other generally icky things that you probably don't even want to think about. Banners usually appear in the signature line of an author's posts and they often are like neon signs that point out who the attention whores are. Often forums like proboards, ezboards and so on allow this sort of pretententious jackassery.

Here are a few that I found that are so silly that I laughed really hard at first. Then that laugh turned into long, awkward, pitiful sob for all humanity:

Ooh! Spike sucked on Angel's no-no place. Slashy! I hope Angel has more "Spike wos 'ere" related clothing besides the cute, little wifebeater in this banner. It would be a damn shame if the back of Angel's pants didn't read, "Spike wos 'ere too."


Wouldn't it be awesome if Spike was a samarai warrior with Tom Cruise's body and Buffy was a sexy geisha and teens wrote angsty poetry about it all?


"I'm just misunderstood, is all. And I could use some Visine too."

When I saw this I thought maybe someone was quoting Britney Spears' song "Toxic" and this is for a fanfic about Snape shagging Britney raw. Then I thought, "And that is why Snape rocks!"

Speaking of Britneys, here's a Britnay who spelled her banner wrong. Do you get that she's a bad ass Slytherin and her avatar is everyone's favorite little slut, Michelle Trachtenberg? I do care that Michelle's 'sexy face' looks like she's about to puke all over your shoes.
I hope to provide more banners so we can all weep for the future of our children together. If you find one, send me a link so I can post it and we can all share each other's misery.
Want to make your own silly ass banner? Try these links:

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Gary Stoics

Annoyed by Ambivalence

Okay. I'm not good with puns but here's a role player type that always pisses me off. I call them a 'Gary Stoic' because they are Gary Stus who usually describe themselves as stoic, indifferent or emotionless. If you see someone using an avatar that looks like Inuyasha, you're probably dealing with a Gary Stoic and it's time to walk away.

However, if you're not so lucky to be given Inuyasha as a clue, here are other ways to spot a Gary Stoic:

The Gary Stoic Attitude

Gary Stoics, as I said, are always stoic. They don't usually get mad or sad or angry or nervous or ever even really show any emotion whatsoever. They are always calm because they always have a plan and supernatural gifts beyond belief. They always know what the bad guy is up to and they always appear to know what the girl wants. This is because the author reads ahead and knows what others are thinking and feeling and they keep their characters smugly prepared for everything. A Gary Stoic never sweats because they know they are always better, faster, smarter and just more damn awesome than you are but in a stoic sort of way.

I have wanted on several occasions to wring the neck of a Gary Stoic because they are impossible to role play with. They often describe themselves as having mysterious powers. That word, mysterious, should not be allowed to describe a valid rpg character because that implies they don't have to tell you what they can do. They won't have any weaknesses. Althought they never say in their profiles that they can become invisible, read thoughts, fly or anything else they just randomly pull out of their ass whenever needed, to them this is fine because it all fits nicely into their claim they are "mysterious.

The Gary Stoic Childhood

Well, most likely they've studied at a dojo or some shit like that. Maybe they have been a student of the Grand Master Fuckyoushi. Whatever their background is, surely it's made them greater than everyone else. They have acquired, throughout their lifetime, all sorts of 'mysterious knowledge' that allows them to basically be an omnipotent pain in the ass. Gary Stoics have mad sword skills, hand to hand combat skills, know all about the supernatural and are magical powerhouses. They are most likely immortal and have cat ears. Whatev. Some seem to have amnesia too which is by far the most annoying variation. Call me crazy but I've seen way too many Gary Stus that have no idea who they are or where they come from but if you play a bad guy, they will use powers they never knew they had to beat you down like a bitch without an ounce of effort.

The Gary Stoic Storyline

A Gary Stoic is naturally the hero of his own story. The authors of Gary Stoics have some noble cause like finding the vampires who killed their parents. They are waiting for that moment to defeat the bad guy but in the meantime, Gary Stoics will latch onto other stories. I can guarantee that while a Gary Stoic is kind enough to talk to others and join their stories, it is only to crush the story by solving it so that character has to now join the Gary Stoic in his blood quest.

Why Do I Hate Gary Stoics?

If you haven't guessed, I find Gary Stoics to be pretentious and selfish. They do not believe in any true give and take between characters because it's all about them. It's all about their silent, brooding, noble, emotionless disposition. Gary Stoics have all the answers and have superhuman wisdom that ruins every storyline in their path. Being a Gary Stoic is a subtle way of being a Mary Sue because a Gary Stoic doesn't appear at all to be taking over and dominating a role playing game but they slowly cripple everything they touch. They crush all sorts of conflict you throw at them but it's sometimes hard to see this right away because they are silent but deadly.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Ravenclaw. The New Slytherin.

One of the most important features in a Harry Potter based role playing game, whether the canons are there or not, is that all originals have to be sorted into one of four houses. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. These houses often dictate what a character will be like because they each represent different personality traits. This creates an interesting culture for all characters involved. This system puts everything out in the open. All attitudes, prejudices and family histories are pretty much on display once a dorm assignment has been declared.

I've been surveying Harry Potter rpgs and here is a breakdown of what really goes on once someone decides which House they will stow their crap in:

Perception of each House:
: Noble & Brave
Hufflepuff: Smart & Friendly
Ravenclaw: Strong & Mysterious
Slytherin: Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil! Evil. Evil? Yes, evil.

How an author describes their character:
: "stands up for what’s right," "speaks up for herself," or "tells it like it is"
Hufflepuff: "nice to everyone," "very smart," or "a little bit on the shy side"
Ravenclaw: "stands up for herself," "won’t take any shit from anyone," or "mysterious"
Slytherin: "evil," "not nice at all," "grumpy," "bitchy," or "wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley"

How they play their character (a.k.a. the crushing reality):
: like a smarmy git who does nothing wrong
Hufflepuff: like a dull nerd who does bland and dull nerdy things in ways that are bland
Ravenclaw: like a Slytherin oughtta be played
Slytherin: like a constant victim who does everything wrong

How do they treat members of other houses:
Gryffindor: with an unspoken superiority
Hufflepuff: with dull, bland, nerdy friendliness
Ravenclaw: with an unspoken superiority
Slytherin: with vile contempt and bitter hatred

How do they treat members of their own house:
: with an unspoken acknowledgment that they rule, they are cool and others drool
Hufflepuff: with dull, bland, nerdy friendliness
Ravenclaw: with an unspoken acknowledgment that they rule, they are cool and others drool
Slytherin: with vile contempt and bitter hatred

Types of storylines they give themselves:
Gryffindor: They show their courage and tout their limitless bravery until you want to puke.
Hufflepuff: They remain dull and bland in groups of pale, boring nerds like themselves and do safe, mundane things.
Ravenclaw: They have sinister, evil plots going everywhere. They can mess with everyone and get away with it.
Slytherin: They have sinister, evil plots that whimper and die because everyone knows their up to something.

Blood Types and Family Life:
Gryffindor: Half Blood, brought up as a muggle
Hufflepuff: Half Blood, brought up as a muggle
Ravenclaw: Half Blood, brought up as a muggle, well versed in Dark Arts
Slytherin: Pure Blood, children of Death Eaters, well versed in Dark Arts

Family Income:
Gryffindor: Middle Class
Hufflepuff: Lower Middle Class
Ravenclaw: Lower Middle Class

How do they dress outside of the school uniform:
Gryffindor: Casual. Jeans. T-Shirt.
Hufflepuff: Skirts. Khakis. Pocket Protectors.
Ravenclaw: Casual. Alternative.
Slytherin: Black. Leather. Emo. Goth. Dominatrix.

How do they act in class:
Gryffindor: Ambivalent because they know they will do well.
Hufflepuff: Attentive and work hard to learn and will do well.
Ravenclaw: They know better than the teacher and will do well.
Slytherin: They know better than the teacher and will show off how awesome they are.

Classes they excel in:
Gryffindor: All, effortlessly.
Hufflepuff: All, with much study.
Ravenclaw: Defense Against Dark Arts
Slytherin: Defence Against Dark Arts

Classes they hate:
Gryffindor: Divination
Hufflepuff: Divination
Ravenclaw: Divination
Slytherin: Divination

House Points:
: Fighting for the Top Spot
Hufflepuff: Usually in the Top Spot
Ravenclaw: Third Place
Slytherin: Last Place

Quidditch Pride:
: Love the game.
Hufflepuff: Best at the game.
Ravenclaw: Could care less about the game.
Slytherin: Can’t hold a team together because all members are busy brooding.

Final Analysis:
: Walk around like they own the place and they do.
Hufflepuff: Dull, bland and nerdy. Pale too. But will kick ass in Quidditch.
Ravenclaw: The new Slytherins.
Slytherin: Festering in impotent rage. Or becoming an Anti-Slytherin.

The Emergence of the Anti-Slytherin

Too much Slytherin is a bad thing. As the Harry Potter series grinds to a halt in July with the final book, it’s becoming painfully obvious to most Slytherin authors that Slytherins need to change gears fast or just gvie up and become Ravenclaws.

The anti-Slytherins are still victims but aren’t filled with as much hatred for themselves and others. They want to escape the bad ways of their anscestors and are rebuilding their reputations after the whole Death Eater snafu. They are kinder, gentler Slytherins who are well-adjusted and graciously accept all characters from all houses and every background. They may dress alternative but underneath that crusty Avril Lavigne exteriorior, they are dull, bland, nerdy and should have been sorted into Hufflepuff.

In Conclusion

There is no such thing as an original plot. There is no way around these stereotypes but some deviation now and then might be nice. A good mod should shake up the stereotypes dealt to each type of student. Throw in boggarts and trolls once in a while so students don't have to rely on their boring, predictable personalities to generate a stories. This avoids ruts and encourages longevity in a role playing game.
Also, co-ed naked Quidditch. Just consider it, won't you?

Friday, May 4, 2007

Fucking with Warren

I could have called this post "Playing a Canon," "Playing a Dead Canon," "Playing an Evil Canon" or "Lay the Fuck off of Warren, Okay!" I didn’t but they all could work. Whatever title I could have chosen, however, will be touched on in this post. All the things I’m about to talk about are universal to all canons, especially dead and/or evil ones.

This essay is going to be rather personal but I think it speaks to many problems that are inherent in playing any canon. My passion has usually been Buffy the Vampire Slayer rpgs so, naturally, I have tons of experience playing canons in them. My favorite canon of all time was Warren Mears. There was a time when I played him in nearly every club on a particular forum site. I was so good that I was getting invites to play him in new clubs and on other forum sites. I say ‘was’ because I will never play him again. Here are four reasons why:

Living vs Dead vs Back from the Dead vs Alternate Universe

If you aren’t familiar with Buffy, Warren was a bad guy on the show that was killed by Willow because he accidently killed her lesbian lover, Tara, because he was really trying to kill Buffy. Warren might have told Willow in those last moments before death that he was gonna walk away from her torture but he didn’t. She skinned him alive and kapowed his ass with a giant fireball. The series ended and the real Warren never came back.

This left me with several choices as to how to play Warren. The most common choice was play him returning from the dead. I had to come up with several wacky ways that allowed him to return and cause trouble. Then it became really ridiculous bringing him back and expecting him to pick up where he left off. Canons recognize him and depending on how they are playing their characters, most shut Warren down right away. So much for not God Moding or allowing a natural give and take between characters. Same thing happened to the Dead Warren I made (meaning he was sort of unDead but not a vampire). I’ll touch more on that in the Warren vs Mary Sue/Gary Stu Chapter.

Sometimes my Warrens existed in worlds where they were never killed or got they sucked in from other universes where they’d escaped death. These Warrens faced the challenges of remaining evil and facing the Mary Sues/Gary Stus or these Warrens turned good.

Good vs Evil

Spike was a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer who started off evil. The only way he gained longevity on the show was to slowly turn good. Personally, good Warrens were as fun for me to play as bad Warrens (I could play Warren doing any mundane task and just get a great big kick out of it) but at some point, he’s not the Warren we all know and love anymore. He might as well have been a made up that latches onto the Scoobies because there’s nothing else for him to do except battle bad guys with them. BOOOOOOORRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!

Maintaining an evil Warren takes tons of cooperation from others and that’s not likely in a club of different personalities. Many people wouldn’t accept that I was Warren and I could wield the power of merging magic and science to build machines capable of bringing about the apocalypse. Instead I faced characters who were all, "Yeah? So what. You just look like a puny, little nerd to me."

Warren vs Mary Sues/Gary Stus

Suethors have no concept at all of good role playing. There’s no honest give and take because Suethors just take. More than take. They suck. They need to dominate every storyline and crush all conflict because they don’t want to create a story where things happen to them. They just want to come out of all situations looking wonderful, flawless and sparkly.

Mary Sues tend to catch on right away that Warren is trying to trick them. They instantly know he’s up to something the second they see him. He opens his mouth to try and get a dialogue going and they shoo him away because they instantly think he’s sleazy. I know I gave my computer screen the finger several times as a Mary Sue wouldn’t give me the time of day.

Gary Stus are worse. They usually have too much testerone and very little weiners so they don’t really care if they God mode or not. As soon as Warren is on the scene, even if he hasn't been sneaky yet, they grab him and beat the shit out of him. I’ve put up with many ass kickings on his behalf because some asshole Gary Stu has to prove something even though Warren may just be standing there putting batteries in his camera or looking at a hamburger he wants to eat.

Warren vs Sex

As Eddie Izzard put it, "If you’re a bit of a bastard, you’re more likely to get shagged."

On television, Warren spent most of his time being horny. You could make a good case that he probably became evil because of his sexual frustrations. When I played Warren I had to take into account that he thought most things out with his penis before his brain.

Now take into account all the chicks, like myself, who love a bad boy. Chicks throughout the rpg world were throwing themselves at my Warren. Little rpg Warren couldn’t swing a little rpg cat without hitting some honey who wanted to bang him.

I always had to ask whether or not the person I was role playing with was a kid or an adult. Kids, naturally, I said no to. Even if I wasn’t clear over someone’s age, I just said no. But if I knew the person was an adult, I decided to do the deed. I found out the hard way that once I let some chickie get into Warren’s pants, it was hard to get her out again. Maybe I just don’t get turned on by rpg sex like other people do but I found it boring and after, chicks were needy. I’m sure the real Warren would have been thrilled with this but I was getting annoyed with all the whiny, clingy chicks that were lining up to take him to bed and not let him go. Under my watch, Warren became a booty call for Willow, Anya, Amy, Faith and some made-up, half-demon witch named Jessica.

I have run out of interesting things to do with Warren and I’m tired of the reactions he causes people to have. Perhaps someday I’ll get brain damage and think I have to play him again, expecting a new plot and new experiences to come his way but I doubt it. For now, I have happily put him to rest now and my sanity has increased ever since.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

When Boys Try to be Men

Here is a character created for a medieval rpg:
Name: Stabos
Age: around 23 (So he's 31 and trying to pick up girls.)
Gender: Male
Species: More human than a Human (Huh?)
Hair: Shoulder length sandy brown
Eyes: Piercing Ice Blue

Apparel: Typical swashbuckler, romanticism pirate type of clothing (A general medievally, renaissance-ish, sort of Robin Hood-like, Camelotesque, Lord of the Rings type stuff, you know? I think he’s just dancing around the word ‘tights.’)
Weapons: an enchanted bastard sword which talks to him (telepathically) (Okay, I laughed at the use of the word ‘bastard’ here but it’s a real type of sword. Check out this wiki link) and can harness the powers of fire, ice, and Lightning and focus them into a cone shapped blast with a range of 50 feet. (You know, an extension-of-his-manhood sword.)
He also carrys one dagger in each boot, (and a gun in each holster) not to mention his extensive hand-to-hand skills (Oh, I’ll bet).
Powers: Just the ability to talk to his bewitched sword. (and laser beams shoot from his eyes! FSHOO FHSOO FSHOO FSHOO!)
Others: to best describe my character, just watch, "the princess bride" and Wesley is pretty much my character in looks and attitude, as well as skills (and bocci ball talent).

History: born to a poor family, he was raised on the streets. His quick agility and nimble fingers made him and above average street thief. (So now he’s a Dickensonian, Faginy sort of artful dodgerish guy) He soon picked up tremendous skills with blades, mastering daggers and swords by the age of 15. The enchanted sword, which calls itself Morgana, (So it’s a female sword that wields the powers of a penis) was given to him by the head of the Theives Guild when Stabos turned 18. Since then he has turned to a life of adventure, seeking it where ever he may go in whatever form he may find it. (This last part reminds me of a weird kid I went to highschool with named Scott. One day Scott started using a laptop in class that he said the guidance counselor just gave it to him. I can imagine how that conversation went down. "Scott, you really annoy me. I will give you a laptop if you leave me alone forever." I’m sure the head of the ‘Theives’ Guild was hoping the same thing of Stabos when he gave him a talking sword and pushed him out into the world.)

Now here's another tidbit for the Unfortunate Typo Files. This one comes from a blurb on the front page of a club. Blurbs are the hook that mods use to reel people in to there clubs. This club is now long dead. I can't imagine why:
'Ello people, this is your basic roleplaying group. Pretty much any thing goes, as it will probably take place in an era where technology lives along side the old ways (i.e. renisaunce [sp]).

Ya think [sp]??????? Try harder!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hanging onto a Canon

This term occurs when an author creates a character that hinges on or is attached to a canon. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but sometimes it can be like an albatross around the neck if you're playing that canon.

Hanging onto a canon can massively wreck an rpg depending on what the author does with their made up. Remember the Self Insert I mentioned that plunked herself down into a Buffy rpg as Harmony's forgotten sister? That is a great example of how you do it wrong.

Let me give you an example off the top of my head. Say, for instance, the rpg is based on Tim Burton's movie "The Corpse Bride." Here are the canons:

The Corpse Bride - the engaged who has ceased to be

Victor Van Dort - the hero voiced by Johnny Depp

Victoria Everglott- the woman Victor is supposed to marry

Barkis Bittern - the man who killed the Corpse Bride and wants to marry Victoria

Say all these canons are being played and they are running about the rpg all happy and cheery. These characters naturally connect because they belong to this story. Now let's throw in some made ups that choose to hang their characters onto these canons:

Viveca Van Dort - Long lost sister to Victor

Rhianna Crow - A witch who has the ability to bring the Corpse Bride back to life.

Emily Everglott - Victoria's younger, cuter sister who just got back from London where she was studying magic.

Brandon Cole - A boy raised by the dead in the cemetery where the Corpse Bride lived. He secretly loves her.

Briana Bittern - Barkis' daughter from a different marriage and she wants to help Victor fight her dad because Barkis killed her mom.

Mina Corbineau - She was the bride Barkis killed after the Corpse Bride and she wants revenge also.

Dietrich Von Hammer - He is a vampire hunter strolling through town who has fallen in love with Victoria.

Yvonna Van Dort - Another sister of Victor's who has a special bond with her brother.

Olivia Everglott - Extremely poor cousin to the Everglotts who lived with them and acts as a maid but is good friends with Victoria.

Maddox Cross - A vampire who loves the Corpse Bride and wants to take her away to be married into his clan.

Cecily Ravencry - An herbalist in the village who has a crush on Victor and makes excuses to bring him balms and salves.

Hannah Baxter - Secretly dating Barkis and doesn't know he's a murderer but is pregnant with his child.

I could go on forever but you get the idea. Too many of these made ups can really fuck up an rpg especially if they need the attention of their target canon right away. Most of these characters are Mary Sues (and I'm looking especially at you, Hannah. I'll be talking about babies in rpgs soon enough) and they need to be a direct part of this story right away. Imagine if Victor and Victoria are trying to have a scene together (which they should be able to, being canons and all) and everyone here steps in to bug them.

My conclusion isn't that hanging onto a canon is wrong but it can be annoying for a canon. I would suggest that if you choose to rpg in a world with canons, make a character that can be independant and will mesh with everyone in the game. However, if you have to latch on to a main character, be content to role play with others besides the target canon. They have enough to do without dealing with Mary Sue's yipping at their feet like hungry puppies.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Gather 'Round the Big Top!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present, CRAZY SUE from a Harry Potter rpg:

Name: Celesta

Gender: Female. Or so she’s been told. (There's a simple way to check this..... )

Age: 11

Please list your character's three personal desires:
1. To make her mommy and daddy and brother happy.
2. To stop taking the nasty pills mommy says to take. (This is a lovely habit to add to a tween based rpg!)
3. To make the whole world happy because it doesn’t seem to be very happy and it should be because being not happy is bad.

What is your character's main weakness?
She is VERY mental, she is quiet half the time, she can be extremely loud when not quite as she never stops talking. She also has asthma and sleepwalks, which isn't very good if you wake up and find yourself in the great lake... She's narcoleptic, she can be slightly slow at times, as naive as a five year old child if not more so, is weak, unable to protect herself, way too protective of her brother and the rest of her family. (Le grand list of Celesta's medical conditions! ADHD, Asthma, Avoidant personality disorder at times, Can be slightly bi-polar, At times depression, Dyslexia, Kleptomania to a degree, Mania, Narcolepsy, Nightmare disorder, Paranoia, A huge list of phobias, Schizophrenia and Sleepwalking) (Please, just open up a Grey's Anatomy (the book not the show) and point at things. CRAZY SUE will be there too!)

What is your character's main strength?
She is intelligent, even though she is crazy she can STILL GET HER WORK IN ON TIME (Sorry, in joke there...), she is quiet when she needs to be, and is amazingly optimistic when she isn't depressed, VERY protective of her brother and family.The above questions will be used to sort you into the appropriate house. (She's playing for a crowd. Suethors do this but this one is different.)

Celesta has a... Interesting... Look. She usually wears dark colors with strange colored accessories. She usually wears either black jeans or skirts with rainbow colored stripes. Her shirts are usually just plain colored, or have random sayings on them. She also has thick rimmed glasses, and usually paints her fingernails black with white dots on them.Her hair is another story, it is never the natural color (People aren't even sure if it does have a natural color). Currently it is black with the bangs in multiple colors. The hair its self is long and kind of curved up in the back.Her eyes apparently change color with her mood.Her skin is very light from rarely ever going outside, if you catch her in the right mood you could almost think she was a Vampire (I would rather mistake her for Hannibal Lector because she's wearing a mask and a straight jacket and needs to be carried out on wheels.)

Celesta is a kind girl; it’s just she gets… Confused occasionally; every once in a while she just kind of zones out, and follows orders unless they are very outlandish. She will get very annoyed if people call her crazy… After all, she got better… Celesta occasionally likes messing with people by pretending to go even loonier then she is which isn’t a good thing to do when you almost already live in a loony bin. She is actually a smart kid, and thinks far ahead of time, for example, she already knows what he wants to major in in college (If she goes), philosophy. Celesta has quite a few odd tendencies though, sometimes she talks only and riddles, while other times she growls when she is happy. (This Suethor left out STARK RAVING ATTENTION WHORE! It's a good thing I just added it or you'd never know.)

Family background:

Mother: Veronica *Squib*Her mother is a nurse at ‘Rutledge Asylum’, where she deals with lunatics every day, though she has just about an equal amount of lunatic at home. She is constantly self medicated. (Harry Potter is a tween world. Leave the pills out of it.)

Father: Todd *Muggle*Is the head psychiatrist at ‘Rutledge Asylum’, he is a brief man who is rarely ever home, he doesn’t seem to care for his family much, but who can blame him… (Ooh! A social commentery on absentee dads is hidden in here somewhere... )

Twin Brother: Johnny *Squib*He is in one word, insane, there is a more complex description but that involves several words, and several of those words not many people like. To Celesta, he is one of the few people in the world that is sane. Also, just a note, Johnny and Celesta are just fraternal twins, not identical. (Oh! Thanks for clarifying! Otherwise I would have assumed they both own penises.)

My gut feeling is that this is a troll. Possibly a teenage troll who thinks he/she is being witty and who might honestly be upset when their character isn't accepted in the rpg. He/She needs to go smoke a ciggie, bitch about their parents then come back to their computer with a clearer head. Maybe they should go write some blog poetry about weeping geishas or some crap before they wonder why they are never accepted.

Now I bring you the first installment of Unfortunate Typos. Here is one from a different Harry Potter rpg. As a side thing, I've been checking out how school based rpgs handle classes. They are a necessary evil that can make a break a school based rpg. A mod wants kids to interact and know each other in a school setting but that only happens with classes. It's weird to have a school where no one has a class. They just stand around in halls and no true role playing happens. This particular rp actually holds classes and lessons are taught and in some cases, homework is expected. I respect that if someone wants to explore their character that much, they are allowed to do so.

Anyway, I'd like to start a new segment called "Unfortunate Typos!" Welcome!

Here is a typo from a professor who is running a potions class and he's written these instructions on the board:

Stir ten times clockwise, and ten times counter clockwise
Your potion should now be red, green, blue and yellow.
P.S. If it isn't please calm me

Monday, April 16, 2007

Vampires Suck

They really do.

I, personally, love Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other such Vampire based programming so I role play in Vampire based rpgs. Even so, there's one Mary Sue bio scenario that I hate a lot. I hate it a lot because I see it a lot. And now you will.

I found this scenario by typing three little words into a search engine. I copied and pasted them together. Most of these are from different clubs but, even more horrifying, sometimes 3 or 4 came from the same club. See if you can spot those three little words.

"Background: A full blood Lykan; Only child; Street werewolf; Parents killed by vampires."

"Seeing his parents killed by Vampires, he swore to hunt them down and kill the vile creatures."

"Then a man found him and raised him as his own, only to tell him at 15 that his parents were killed by Vampires."

"Bio: His parents killed by vampires when he was a toddler, his aunt took him under her care until he was 15, she was also killed by vampires"

"Lives with older brother in Japan. Parents killed by Vampires."

"1 brother and his sisters family has been killed by vampires and there henchman."
"Her family was killed when she was 16. They were killed by vampires instead of killing her they turned her."

"living condition:Most of the time solo but lives in a manchin with other vampiresbackground:He parents were killed by vampires and she was turned"

"After his parents were killed by the vampire that bit him, Elliot was rescued by the successor to the Van Helsing line"

"I do wish to live a good life,those monsters killed off my family.My parants,my brother,my sister...I made a vow I'd destroy all vampires..."

"His family and friends were killed by vampires, so he decided to hunt them."

"Bio: Family and friends were killed by vampires blah blah grudge blah blah."

"Damien pretty much lived a normal life with his parents until one day the vampire, Lucifer, killed his parents."

"Her family killed by vampires she hates them witha passion and hunts them for the satisfaction keeping track of how many she has killed by cutting her arm and making a scar"

"I for one am sick of running. I've been running ever since they killed my parents!"

"Vivienne's rage mounted, she was there, she was one of the one's who had killed her parents."

"When she was 6 her family was killed by vampires, a purebreed vamp turned her into a halfbreed, but a special one."

"Unusual Quirks: both of his parents killed by vampires and he is out to kill the vampires that killed his parents and for that reason he is quite agitated whenever a round a vampire"

"raised in england for ten years, was approached by a watcher, and was told of my slayer destiny, involved in training to this day, parents killed by vampires two years ago"

"He seen both his parents killed by Vampires when he was just a wee lad. At that moment he made himself a promise he would keep. He wanted to protect people of all races - even Vampires."

"After his family farm was raided and parents killed by Vampires, Aleck took his sister Medow and wandered for many years."

"She still does hold a place in her heart for him, even though she doesn't see him that much and is married. Both had their parents killed by vampires,"

"Family attacked ring of vampires; part of family killed by vampires; rest of family moved to New York; more of family killed in car accident;"

"background: whole family killed when she was 12 by out for revenge..."

"Poor guy had his whole family killed by vampires...sniffle.)"

"One night he came home to find his entire family killed by vampires."

"his family killed by vampires in Leah's line, he has an intense hatred of the race and will stop it nothing to kill the last of Leah's Blood Line in vengeance for the death of his family... He has never met Leah, but hunts ruthlessly for her)"

DAMN IT!!!!!

It's one thing to create a character with a need for vengance but I am getting so tired of this 'vampire killed my parants' bullcrap. I didn't realize vampires could suck out creativity too. Is nothing original anymore?

Now that I'm all cranky about vampires in general, here's a canon character that I've seen played horribly in several different clubs. This would be Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Here's a snippet of what I mean:

"Spike smiles at Faith 'So you think I'm special, do you, Pet? And I think we are getting along. I don't know where the bloody nasties are, been looking meself, I was hoping you could tell...what with your slayer powers and all.' Spike takes a drink of his beer. 'Spicy Buffalo Wings anyone? See, Aleria is it?..they used to make this onion blossom thing...tasty...but these wankers took it off of the sodding menu. Party sounds good, but someone should really teach this band how to play their bloody music proper.'"

Weak Spikes seem to believe all you need to do is say 'bloody,' 'sodding,' and 'blooming onion' and that makes you Spike. No. It just makes you a pratty twat wanker with no imagination. Bollocks on you, mate.

Try a little harder, please. No Spike is better than a half-assed one.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Pre Mades. The fastest way to kill a club.

I really hate pre made characters. Pre mades occur when the mod has an agenda. They make pre-made characters up so certain plots can can be forced into happening. It's like taking on a role in a murder mystery. If you're Miss Scarlet and you need to know who used the candlestick and where, you have to talk to other player to find get clues but only in the character of Miss Scarlet. Let's all hope you look cute wearing a red, strapless gown.

Some pre mades could be fun for the player but most people surfing through rpgs are looking to create a character for themselves. I think that upfront a mod needs to tell players that they need to take on a pre made or leave the option open but I can guarantee that not many people with that option will take it and like it. It's forced and weird and most authors would rather express themselves and just let stuff happen on it's own.

Here are two pre mades that made me cringe and puke and cry.

Name: Ruth Annie Barrington (Her nickname is Ruthie because she's cute and bubbly. She's from an rpg that's attempting to be like a soap opera.)
Personality: she's very outgoing and friendly, she is also somewhat flirtatious
(She strangles kittens to death in her spare time to remain so damn cute. Balance has to be kept in the universe somewhere, right?)
Status: seriously dating Nik for 4 years (And never once mentioned to him that he spells him name like a girl.)
Job: Ruthie is a waitress at The Phoenix
Activities: Cheerleading, Chorus, Drama, Swim Team, Dance Team, President of the SADD club
(She's just this close to being made president of the "oh so damn cute" club if she's not careful. But wait! If she was, she might have to take uppers to keep up with it all and then she'd develop an addiction and then she'd be like Jessica Spano in that one very special episode of Saved by the Bell. That could be cool.)
Relationship(why in Hawaii): Ruthie grew up in Hawaii, she has lived here her entire life, she loves (Whoa! Let's stop right here and count all uses of the word "love" in the following paragraph and just try to keep your lunch down. That is one.) her family very much, expecially Josh and Lauren, Ruthie is very close to her triplet siblings Josh and Lauren, they do everything together, she is very much in love with Nik and has been for a while, she will do pretty much anything for her family and friends, she is popular at school, and is in the "in crowd", she does alot of activities at school, she loves both her parents the same, she loves animals, she's not that spoiled, she loves living in Hawaii, and like a typical Hawaiian she loves to surf and do the hula, she also loves to shop, and hang out at the mall and the beach, she helps out at home since both her parents are working, she helps care for Miguel, making sure he does his homework, etc..., she has 3 dogs(Sunshine, Princess, Spot), 2 cats named Rascal and Angel, a kitten that she rescued named Lucky, a rabbit named Bunny and a farret named Bandit
(That's six. That's is just way too many loves for one person but look at all the pets!!! I'm onto to something with this strangling idea. She's a Pre-Made Sue who will crush any damn conflict that comes her way. No wonder this club tanked as a soap opera.)

Here's a second rpg character from a high school based rpg. This one is far better thought out which means there's a slimmer chance someone will take her.

Name: Jenna Annalise Edwards
Grade: Senior Age: 17
Appearance: In height, Jenna is fairly average, standing at 5ft7. She has deep brown eyes, and a slightly
olive complexion that gives her a year round tan. Though it is hard to convince Jenna otherwise, she is by no means fat. You wouldn’t even suggest that she was slightly overweight. She perhaps isn’t tone like some girls, or skin and bones like others, but she is a slim girl, at size 6. However, when Jenna looks in the mirror she sees an unattractive gaudy girl looking back, not the beautiful girl that many others see. She hates her hair, hates her body, and hates her face, whereas most would be having trouble to see anything wrong with her.

She looks like Alyssa Milano. That means she's skeletal, her boobs are all over the internet and she has a cooter tattoo! These are all things we need to be aware of when considering she looks like Alysso Milano. Lots of Mary Sue's like to use her image as well but for me it's hard to trust any character that looks like her because all I think when I read her bio is, "Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter!"

Personality: Jenna lacks the confidence to stand on her own two feet, and has always turned to those around her to lead her through life. Over the last few years, this has been one Stephanie Bryant, and perhaps a worse choice in friend has yet to be found. Jenna shares all of Stephanie’s opinions, and finds it hard to answer questions when she is not around. She lets her do all the talking, and then merely backs up whatever she is saying. She is usually quiet when found on her own, and really only comes out of her shell when under the influence of Steph. It’s hard to tell though which version you see is the real Jenna. (The cooter version!)

History: Jenna has always lived in Ridgefield, and always gone to Richmond High. She has never been a big girl, but she feels that she is, and purges or starves herself to try and keep herself looking thin. She hides this fact very well, and even her parents are completely oblivious to what is going on in their daughter’s life. (They should be asking what's going on with her cooter.)You wouldn’t go so far as to call Jenna a slut, but she has found herself on more than one occasion hung over, and alone, wondering what she had done wrong. Sex isn’t about power for her; it’s about trying to find somebody that will love her. She wants to believe that she is beautiful, and she moves from guy to guy in the hopes that somebody won’t just say that to get her into bed, but will say it the next day, and the next. (She's bony and slutty. Here we are, right back to Alyssa Milano. Why not just make the pre made into Alyssa Milano herself and post a picture of the cooter? It would have made more sense.)
Job: Waitress at Uncle Joe’s on the Pier. (She's a waitress like Ruthie. I see a pattern. I think it means she's wholesome and can think on her feet. Her grits can be kissed.)

Other Information: Jenna’s brother is on steroids, but the family is unaware. She keeps his secret only because he has told her he’ll kill her if she tells. He has something of a temper, and she’s inclined to believe that he could go that far. (This right here is a big problem I have with pre mades. I guess one could play around with this. Cooter Sue could feel all unnerved after talking to him about his big muscles and tiny weiner but then he'll threaten her and she'll puke her brains out. That will be the end of it. Unless the mod allows one sibling to get caught with their addiction, nothing will change and the storyline will burn itself out. There's no longevity here and it will get boring pretty fast. You don't make characters like these and keep them in a holding pattern. Maybe the mod should watch something Alyssa Milano is in and note how conflicts move plots along. Not silence and puking.)

Dislikes: Pretty much whatever Stephanie dislikes. Herself. (Oh! Ow! Burn! Big Mary Sue Burn.)

Pre mades kind of threaten an individuals creativity so they can crush a club. Expecting people to follow your vision won't work unless you have money so expecting people to follow your wishes in a club isn't going to happen. If you're gonna make pre mades, you might as well write yourself a novel with all the ideas and expectatons you have because it won't come true in an rpg.

Now here is a Mary Sue from a Harry Potter club that I'm bringing you because it made me laugh. Here she is establishing how she's better than all the other Mary Sues as she explains how she got elf blood in her veins:

"She has got Elf blood from her father, who was once at Hogwarts. One day, Georgia's father, Daniel was messing about in the school kitchens. He often went there, to tease the elves, and to steal the food. This happened every night, and the elves had no choice but to leave Daniel to it. One night, the elves all grew restless of Daniel stealing the food and teasing them, when an elf just flipped. From being a kind, caring elf, it turned into a monster and grew very angry at Daniel. The last night Daniel went to steal the food, he was bitten by the angry elf, and so, elf passed into Daniel, and stayed there. That is why Georgia is a quarter elf."

So you can turn half elf just as easy you could catch AIDS. Who knew? That's very odd and creepy and makes Christmas seem scarier than ever.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Canons. Canon Sues. Canon Inserts. Self Inserts. Things I hate for 100!

Canons are characters in an rpg that come from a novel, TV show or movie. Obviously this would be Prof. Xavier, Spike, Sheridan Boothe, Lestat de Lioncourt, Lana Lang, Claudia Kishi, Mariel of Redwall, Opal Koboi, B.A. Baracus, Shawn-Douglas Brady and so on. Every fictional person, vampire, mouse, mutant, pixie or whatever that appears on screen or gracing any pages can be a canon. <-------- See "canon" in the spanky new glossary

Canon abuse can occur in many different forms. Here are the three most common and one of them I even made up!

Canon Sue: <----------- Also in the glossary!
Canon Sues are Mary Sues in disguise. A Canon Suethor will idealize the character into a total corruption of who the character is to make them better, stronger, faster, smarter, more heroic, and more troubled. Even if the Canon they are working with is Lex Luthor. I saw this one in a Lost rpg where I was playing a female made up. The suethor playing Charlie, in one post, saved my character from drowning (even though she wasn't drowning nor even in the water), delivered a baby, took the baby into a cave to get it out of the coming rain and then got the two of them caught in a cave in. I wish I were exaggerating a little. I admit that after reading that one post I said, "Screw this club" and I walked out.

Self Inserts: <------------ In glossary.
This when a person creates a character totally based on themselves. This is a Mary Sue that directly links up to the author. Sometimes they give themselves amazing abilities and crap but for all intents and purposes, the character is A REAL PERSON!!!!! Self Inserts are especially aggrivating because it's almost worse than a Mary Sue. I saw one in a Buffy rpg that is a textbook example. The author started off playing Harmony and she was doing well. Her Harmony was an average Harmony. Maybe even a good Harmony. She should have stayed Harmony. But then it happened. She asked if she could create a whole new made up character that would just be great and fit into the game all nicey nice. She was allowed and she plunked herself right down in as Harmony's forgotten sister who had witchy powers. She posted pictures of herself and joined herself right in with Harmony's character in some remote cave so they could bicker about how Harmony's vampireness was affecting their parents. *insert eye roll here*

Canon Inserts: <----------- I made this one up and put it in the glossary but it's still valid.
This is when an author signs up to play a canon but then strips away everything the canon is to turn the canon into themselves. Maybe the author identifies with the canon in some way and this is why this happens but the end product is a canon that looks like the author. I saw this in a Buffy club and it was an amazing transformation the author made from canon to self. She was playing Tara. She started off having cute little moments in the Magic Box with Willow. Willow left and she sought me out to role play with. I was playing a guy at the time and "Tara" approached me normally and since I was a bad guy I menaced her a little. Then the author wanted to talk to me in the chatroom alone to discuss a scenario she wanted to play out. She told me that in real life a psychic had told her she was reincarnated and in a past life, during the Civil War era, her step-dad has beaten her and locked her in a basement. She wanted me to make Tara call me daddy, beat her, and lock her into the backroom of the Magic Box. I said I didn't really want to do that but I would continue with the menacing only not as mean and maybe my guy would just leave the Magic Box and she would remain okay. She agreed to this and as soon as I left she found another male character to ask this favor of. She left soon after citing creative differences.

Mods are the bottom line here in what they will allow, canon-wise. I trust them to make it clear what they want in an rpg but sometimes they want a canon who isn't everything they truly are in books or on screen. Even I can't get annoyed with this. The canons are being placed in new scenes and new plots facing new bad guys. They can't always remain 100% true to form. I get that. But if you are a mod, you need to be aware that people like these make your clubs die an icky, horrible, sputumy death. A little variation is fine but when Chris Halliwell wants to fuck the demon Barbas raw while his younger sister, Amy Halliwell, is holding Barbas down for him because it will save the world, your club may have gone too far.