Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Remember when Willow did that spell that awakened all the Mary Sues?

Name: Kendrix (Meet this Jessica Alba look-alike who became a slayer in the Buffy based rpg. It seems that when Willow awakened all the potentials into slayers, she gave millions of Mary Sues an excuse to Mary Sue all over perfectly innocent rpgs and ruin them on a grand scale. Here's Kendrix, a textbook Mary Sue. Also, where is Jessica's belly button? I see slight discoloration around the area where it's meant to be but I see no actual belly button. CREEPY!)
Age: 19
Hair color: Black with red streaks in it (originally blond)
Eye color: Blue
Looks: has a tattoo of the triquetra on the back of her neck,a tiger tattoo on her left shoulder, a tattoo of black panther on her right shoulder. (I had to look this up. When I first saw it, I groaned. Is she stealing from Charmed too?) Has a nose ring, belly button ring (But there is no belly button. That's just awkward.) , eye-brow piercing, birthmark on her back just above her waste (Ew! A birthmark on her "waste." Witches are truly evil if they go so far as to have birthmarks on their poop.) -all the witches/wiccans in her family has one just like it (male and female). (What is wrong with this family? Gah!)
Weapons: she carries two athemes that were given to her by her grandmother that has been handed down they are used for good not evil as well as two stakes given to her by some mysterious person (Perhaps she should have learned about punctuation instead of witchcraft. Also, she was just handed some stakes? That's awfully convenient, wouldn't you say?)
Occupation: Witch/Wiccan and Slayer (but mostly Slayer) (She's a little of this and a little of that. A witch and slayer. I have seen so many Mary Sues pull this crap that it's tiring. If you think I'm overreacting to this slayer/wiccan thing then A.) You are a Suethor or B) Read further. It gets better!)
History: Was born into a family of witches. Her powers were bound by her grandmother to keep her safe and also so she could have a normal life but that lasted until she ws 11 that's when her powers manifested when she turned 16 her full powers came out. (I knew it! Just like on Charmed! I am surprised she doesn't look like Alyssa "Cooter Face" Milano.)
She lived with her older sister and her husband because their mom and younger siblings had been killed by warlocks and dad was killed by vampires. (DAMN YOU, VAMPIRES!!! Do you not care that in your wake you are leaving thousands of Mary Sues behind. DAMN YOU!!!) When Willow did the spell to call all the slayers she got stronger but has yet to find out she is a slayer she knows about slayers but just doesn't think she is one or can be one. (But I bet she knows how to use those athemes and those stakes. It's a good thing she's so prepared to fight evil despite being so conveniently clueless.)
Giles is her long lost Uncle. (Oh holy smeg!!! I call a big serious foul on this peice of shit.) Kendrix's father and he were brothers. He has no idea that she is a slayer or even a witch he doesn't even know she exists or that his brother died. (Um... wouldn't it follow that if he didn't know she existed, he won't know she's a witch or a slayer either? It can't possibly be the other way around. That's just silly.) She hardly uses her magic though because it tends to go a tad haywire at times and when she gets mad well she isn't all fun to be around (*think Dark Willow) (Really, Dark Willow? What other Mary Sue qualities can we pile on here? She's already as strong as Buffy, as evil as Dark Willow, as smart as Giles... will she now be as Key-y as Dawn, as ex-demony as Anya, as lesbiany as Tara or twice as one eyed as Xander? Why the Hell do we even need the Scoobies at all? Kendrix can do it all by herself.) she will use them if needed but when not needed she keeps her magic on the down low. Her weakness is her family and she doesn't really trust a whole lot ofpeople.
(**note she is not all mighty even though it may seem from the bio**) (A disclaimer. Phew! She nearly made herself perfect. It's a good thing that she clarified that despite all her awesomely mad skills, she's humble about it. We shall see. I may be role playing up against her soon. I'll let you know if Kendrix attacks my character for even thinking a sinister thought before my character has even acted on it. That will be the test... not the test for being a Mary Sue because she excells in that. It will be my test to see how much more of this shit I can handle before going insane.)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

What if N*Sync were Pirates!!!111!!!!????

How comepletely awesome would that be 'cause pirates are cool and so is N*Sync!? OMG!!!11!!! Let's explore how cool that would be, shall we?

Here's a club I found where the mod wants you take on a pre-made character. You can be either an N*Sync boy or a busty wench. Here's a list of the characters and how the mod wants you to play them:

Cursed Pirates

Ship: The Pendelum (Hey, pirates can't spell so lay off!)

Berf: La Isla Maldecidas (Now, I have no idea what a 'berf' is but here are some websites that may explain it if you have the time: The British Eye Research Foundation, Berfnet.com, Urban Dictionary: Berf, or Triple Berf.

The Pirates abourd The Pendelum are cursed with impotence because Justin jilted a Voodoo Priestess named Tabita, and berf on the La Isls Maldecidas. (Berf Glass, maybe?)(Oh! And Timberlake can't get it up. HAW!)

The Men

The Men (Yes, this appears twice.)

Justin ()- Captain of The Pendelum and a real bad egg. He has his own wench, Constance, who's just as nasty as he is. He jilted Tabita for her, but ever since the curse the only one in the relationship getting any real pleasure is she. When the pirates on the Pendelum kidnap the govenor of Port Henry's daughter for ransom, things change. The plans go awry and he falls in lust with Eliza, which later turns into love. (Okay, so "Pendelum" could be a joke on how limp and floppy his dick is. Yeah. Haw! I offer this picture of his "Dick in a Box" sketch on SNL to offer proof to all his fans that his dick is fine.)

Chris ()- The first mate of The Pendelum. He has been a pirate all his life, his grandfather was once the captain of the Pendelum. He risks being left on a deserted Island with nothing but a compass and a pistol with one bullet when he starts a relationship with Constance, even though he can't (like all the Pendelum Pirates) fully consumate anything. It's his idea to kidnap one of the women from the Blue Diamond (I have nothing to offer here except that I think Chris looks like an icky elf. I can't be the only one who feels this way.)

The Women
Constance ()- a really bad egg, who stole Justin from Tabita and so is essentially the reason for the curse. But she thinks nothing of it, and blames everyone else. Loves the fact that the only one who can reach ulitmate pleasure is she, out of her relationships with the men on board, but does miss fully consumating them. In an effort to feel wanted and powerful she leaves Justin's bed for Chris'...but will that prove to be more then the right choice to make or will her wandering eye keep her from ever finding true love? (Aren't both men impotent? Does this mean she crawls into bed with both only to find no woo in the hoo? Isn't that the definition of insanity- expecting to get it on with both when she ought to know neither shiver their timbers?)

Eliza ()- The daughter of the Governor of Port Henry, she was a spoiled child and a spoiled woman. Engaged to another official in Port Henry she did not love, she was almost relieved to find herself away. However, being kidnapped and held for ransom was not her idea of a wonderful trip. This get more complicated for her when she falls for the captian of the pirate ship that kidnapped her, Justin. (She'd have more luck falling for Constance. They can open each other's pleasure chest.)

The Good Pirates

Ship: The Blue Diamond

Berf: La Isla De La Pasion (Yung Berf?)

The Pirates aboard the Blue Diamond, which berfs on La Isla De La Pasion, are not cursed and go after those on the Pendelum when kidnap Esmerelda and then in turn Belle. (Berf's Bio?)

The Men

JC ()- Captain of The Blue Diamond, like his father before him and his grandfather before him. His band of pirates, pilage and plunder but they refrain from rape. Actually they respect women. He has no quandry with The Pendelum, he's heard about their curse however, until they mess with the women aboard his ship. He's known Belle their whole lives, the only thing that troubles their relationship is her father. When she's kidnapped during a rescue mission he goes balistic and will stop at nothing to get her back. (He has no 'quandry' with the Pendelum? Him and me both. I don't understand it either. I'm not even gonna try.)

Lance ()- The first mate of the Blue Diamond. Content with his position as first mate, doesn't aspire to more. Easy going for a pirate, until his woman Esmerelda is kidnapped. He didn't realize how much he loved her until she was gone, and does everything he can, thankfully with the help of his captain and ship mates to get her back. After that his overprotectiveness and her father, threatens their relationship. (I could make a gay joke here but I'm not even sure what to say. I'm no good with those jokes. I will laugh at the word "overprotectiveness" however. I demand more prefixes and suffixes!)

Joey ()- second mate of the Blue Diamond. Like Lance, he's content with his position aboard the Blue Diamond, a bit of a jokester and clown. He is the one that finds and accepts responsibility for the stow away, Sophie. His sense of responsiblity towards Sophie soon turns to love, but she's a landlubber and he feels she needs to be returned to her family. (They come from two different worlds. He's from a boy band and she's a desperate fan girl. They can have all sorts of crazy clown sex but it will never amount to anything.)
The women
Belle (Anndee)- short for Jezebelle. She is the daughter of the famous pirate Blackbeard. She has his startling blue eyes, hence her pirate nickname of Blue-eyed Devil Belle. Her father was close with the captian of the Blue Diamond, JC's father, and because of it's respect for women he sent her and her sister to be fostered there. That was his first mistake if he didn't want his daugthers to be with pirates. She is Captain JC's right hand wench and his lover. Her father is constantly butting in and trying to keep them apart whenever they visit him on his island, La Isla De Blanca Joyas. A pirate wench to contend with she's deadly with swords and a crack shot with a pistol and will use her beauty to distract her opponent. When her sister is kidnapped, she's fights, like always, side-by-side with the crew. But when she lets her guard down, she's captured and she must and will escape. (ROLE TAKEN) (She's a Mary Sue and her role is taken. I'M SHOCKED! Also, Blackbeard's sending them off to a ship full of pirates that are sensitive to women? Bitch, please. He should just say, "I beg you to deflower my little girls.")
Esmerelda (Lexi)- the younger daugther of the pirate Blackbeard. She does not share the eyes of her father and sister Belle, but she does have the raven black hair her father was famous for. Like it is for her sister, her father is a hinderance to any relationship she's in. Has what she thinks Lance considers a casual dalliance, until she's kidnapped by The Pendelum, and when she's rescued, and her sister is captured, she finds that he truly cares for her. The control he start to exert over her life due to his now overprotectiveness, is starting to annoy her. She wants to help find her sister, but he doesn't want her anywhere near harm's way. (ROLE TAKEN) (Also taken. SHOCK!!!! And how do these bitches keep getting kidnapped anyway? They are May Sues who keep getting kidnapped when it's already been shown they have bigger balls than their male counterparts. I think the sisters just like the kidnap kink of it all.)
Sophie()- A landlubber and orphan. A maid in the Governor's household in Port Bijoux, she yearned for adventure and a life free of "no sir...yes sir". So she stowed away on the pirate ship The Blue Diamond. When Joey finds her, she's certain she's going to be thrown overboard. She's surprised when the idea isn't even brought up, even more surprised when Joey takes responsiblity for her until they reach Port Bijoux again and she can be returned to the family that doesn't exist. Along the way though the two find a very lasting love. (And crazy clown sex followed by an uncerimonious boot out at Port Bijoux. No. I suppose that won't happen- at least not the booting. Mary Sues like this will get kidnapped and then preggers and will stick around FOREVER!)
I found this club abandoned and I wish I could even read the posts the members wrote. I would like to have shown you the Mary Sues in action and someone pretending to be Justin Timberlake with a flacid wee-wee. I can only guess that this club crumbled because fan girls wanted to get with Timberlake and couldn't but I think it has something to do with pre-mades. They wreck clubs like voodoo witches can ruin erections.