Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Mary Sue Jokes: Part One

Why do Mary Sues always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken because they are all supermodels or are part Veela.
Mary Sue goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" She replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother was killed by vampires!" The boss, feeling very sorry for this tragic Mary Sue, says, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Mary Sue calms herself because she's very strong in the face of all adversity and calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here. I am a typical Mary Sue, after all. Drama is a part of my life." The boss nods. "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Mary Sue. He finds her crying hysterically. He rushes over and asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Mary Sue breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom was killed by vampires too!!!"

Mary Sue just got a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual Mary Sue jokes. Just then a stunning girl wearing a green dress, with floor length auburn hair and fairy wings in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your Mary Sue jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? What does the unrealistic color of a person's hair or eyes, the unfair advantages we give ourselves, the relationships we have with canons and the selfish way we role play have to do with our worth as human beings? It's guys like you who keep Mary Sues like me from being taken seriously and treated like the fairy princesses we are. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only mary Sues, but Gary Stus as well, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and she yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

Did you hear about the incredibly buxom Mary Sue who lost the breast stroke swimming competition? She complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

Kawaii Sue comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and says: "Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm kawaii?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're kawaii." The mom says.
Next day, Kawaii Sue comes back from school and says, "Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm kawaii, mommy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're kawaii." The mom says.
Next day, she returns from school and cries: "Mommy, today we went swimming. All the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive rack at her mommy. "Is that because I'm kawaii, mommy?"
"Yes darling, and it's also because you're 25."

One day I was jumping up and down on a set of railroad tracks saying, "21,21,21." A Mary Sue walked by, noticed me, and started jumping up and down on the tracks and repeated what I was saying. I heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The Mary Sue kept jumping and saying, "21,21,21." The train ran over her and I laughed. When the train ended, I jumped back on the tracks and started saying, "22,22,22."

In Defence of Mary Sue

Chicken Soup for the Sue

Wouldn't it be fun to fight alongside the good guys or cackle evilly with the bad guys? It's tempting to make a character that fits in a with a group in a TV show, movie or book. This character could be friends, lovers, or children of characters admired or feared in a story. That connection to someone special can mean so much. For example, say that the rpg was based on Teen Titans. This is a cartoon that brings together teenage superheroes who fight against evil. You could join the team and kick the crap out of Mad Mod. Maybe you think Robin is cute and being his girlfriend would be great! He's so strong and brave. He's also troubled and you can ease his troubled soul. Or, say he and Starfire had a kid and you were that kid. You would have the combined powers of martial arts, flying and cooking stuff just by looking at it.

If this is not about a canon or being connected to some other important character (like the child of a king and queen or a fugitive running from a vampire slayer), maybe just having a cool super power is enough. In your own life you have no super powers but it would be neat to do things that are impossible. I've always wanted to fly, shoot laser beams from my eyes, throw a car at someone mean, set a house on fire with my mind or know what everyone around me is thinking. Having the upperhand is an intoxicating feeling. This idea of having a great power extends to just being able to say how you feel without any consequences. Think of how satisfying it would be to shut people up and be the one in charge of a situation that's normally out of your control in real life?

Just being able to not be you or a better you is intriguing. You can be the person who paid better attention in science class and now can build a robot army. You can have that floor length auburn hair you've always wanted instead of that mousy brown you really have. No one appreciates your personality in real life but in an rpg, every character is gathering around to appreciate you. They don't see your faults because in this idealized rpg character, they aren't any. Your confidence is a legend and you're a magnet for good things. You are unique and everyone accepts you for that.


After reading all that I bet you think I must have developed a soft spot for Mary Sues. Fuck that. No, I haven't. If I did I'd be using those arguments to defend them. They all sound logical, don't they? They all explain why Mary Sues exist. Mary Sues are born out of emotional baggage. Things that are missing offline are fixed in the rpg. It's a little like group therapy only it's thrust upon those of us who don't give a crap. My friend Freaklin Gout coined the best term for this behavior: Emotional Masturbation.

"Emotional Masturbation? That sounds harsh."

I just read your thoughts... at least if you're a Mary Sue, that's what you're thinking. And it's the honest truth. Role playing involves taking on a persona and telling a story but rarely does a Sue want a story that isn't their own. After playing in rpgs for 10 years and owning several clubs I have seen many Mary Sues join an rpg believing all the other characters are created for them only. Certainly people playing Buffy, Giles, Willow and Xander are all aching to owe their lives to the new potential slayer, Shadow. She's really the forgotten child of Anya and Spike so why wouldn't they all leap over each other to smother her with love? She even has the power to bring Doyle back from the dead and make him her boyfriend. And why would I, playing Warren, want my ass handed to me over and over again? Surely I joined this rpg for the sole purpose of playing a floor mat.

That was an example although it is dreadfully close to the shit I've seen. I have some other examples of Mary Sues who attempt to bend or ignore the rules to make themselves fit in with the heroes. The first is from a Harry Potter rpg where all the canons were taken away. The timeline was set 20 years after the final book and no one from the book could be included in the rpg. Even children of characters we knew were a big no-no. So what happened? On a weekly basis people applied to the rpg asking if they could be child of Harry and Ginny, Harry and Cho, Hermione and Ron, Hermione and Viktor or Malfoy and whoever was left. In a Buffy rpg the only canons allowed were Faith and Giles. A stubborn Suethor who only played Dawn demanded actually joined the club and asked to play Dawn. When she found out she wasn't allowed to, she had a hissy and actually told the club owner every Buffy rpg should have a Dawn and the owner wasn't being open minded at all. In another Buffy rpg an honest Suethor joined the rpg and promptly made an ooc message to announce she would only play in this rpg if she were allowed to play Spike's girlfriend. She'd ignored the very post ahead of hers where two Suethors were already locked in a bitter battle for Spike's love.

Being skilled or magical above everyone else must be hard when four or five others have the same idea. I've seen Mary Sues bickering over who gets to save the day. Usually one leaves the rpg because she overstepped the God moding rules in order to be more awesome than the rest and she doesn't want to admit what she did wrong. Why should she? She was in the right because Mary Sues always are, right? Surely everything they say about themselves must be upheld. One Mary Sue in a Harry Potter rpg kept telling us how sexy she was and how all the girls hated her beauty. She created a reality around her character where those of us playing female characters were incredibly jealous to even be around her.

Everyone had better play along with a Mary Sue and indulge her in her emotional masturbation. At least, that is rule one in the Mary Sue book. It doesn't matter to her that you may actually want to write a story. Isn't she the focus of your story anyway? You weren't really doing anything before she came into your life anyhow. She needs copious amount of attention, love, understanding and ego boosting.

There is no defending her and her selfish ways. She is only there for herself and no one else. Try as you might, all that pompous buffoonery she commits just ruins everything she touches. And don't ever let her touch you. You have no idea where her upperhand has been!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Time to Swoon for Gary StuD!

Freaklin Gout and I decided to get together and talk about a particular Gary Stud that has shown up in my rpg. He's a fascinating case study of the silly studliness that infects role playing games. Our male friend,
Bob Guyeyis, showed up for this chat and I was hoping he could shed some light on this but it seems he was at a loss too.

For the most part, this Gary Stu who calls himself Blade, went largely unnoticed by Freaklin and me (except for one small part of his bio that made us laugh but we'll get to that later). He did break a rule right off the bat about where to place his character but no big deal. I corrected him and he adjusted his post and went on about his business.

threJack and coke combos: Should we take this moment to update the readers about Blade's actions in the rpg?

Freaklin Gout: Sure

Blade left us this ooc message:

"It is very hard to get involved with any role play in this group,
and since I am an active roleplayer,
I am moving on.

threJack and coke combos: He ignored one poster who tagged him, joined another poster and left her wating 5 days for a reply from him before he made this bitchy ooc about how this rpg moved too slow for him.

Freaklin Gout: And that he was leaving.

I replied to Blade to poin out that he was being irresponsible to others in the rpg and he gave me this reply:

"If Anna did reply to a post or tagged me'I'm afraid that I diden't see it.. and hey folks I did ask occ if anyone wanted to join my SL or start one with me. And Star I'm really sorry'you're a great role player and if you want to join the new group with me send me an off line."

Freaklin Gout: I guess he thought that since his character was so awesome that people would be clamoring to join a storyline with him.

threJack and coke combos: He does practically promise lots of hot sexy sex.

Freaklin Gout: It takes the right combination of elements to get tagged. Simply making one ooc reply asking if anyone wants to start a storyline hardly guarantees you're going to be tagged.

Freaklin Gout: Which makes sense as to why Anna tagged him

Freaklin Gout: Then when someone else made a character for him [Lucky] and tagged him, he left that person waiting for days.

Freaklin Gout: At which time I moved one of my characters in [Clea], because I thought [Lucky] was created for Blade was too awesome to let disappear into nothingness.

Freaklin Gout: So my character and this other character were rping together and doing quite nicely, even though we never lost sight of the fact that this other character was created for Blade. We even put (in capital letters) HEY BLADE, OVER HERE! in every title of our post.

Freaklin Gout: And he still couldn't get it right.

Freaklin Gout: Once again, when you fuck up, it's the group's fault

threJack and coke combos: It always stuns me when people make claims certain things aren't happening to their characters when most forums have a search program that allows us to see if these claims are true.

Freaklin Gout: For real. We've seen it happen so many times in our rp's short life-span.

I bet you can't wait to see this guys bio. Take note that this is not the bio form I posted. For whatever reason Blade retyped my categories as if he were trying to spell everything wrong and punctuate it strangely. Let's talk about it:

Full Name. Blade Marcus Darkfire

Freaklin Gout: Should I also state that I have a grudge against Blade for stealing my Clea's boyfriend, Lucky and doing him up the ass?

threJack and coke combos: How do you get the surname Darkfire?

threJack and coke combos: It should mean something like Carpenter or Smith.

Freaklin Gout: Ah, they are an ancient and mysterious clan.

Freaklin Gout: He might as well be called Gary Stu Gary Stu Gary Stu.

threJack and coke combos: Maybe he meant Dorkfire?

Apparent age. 23

Freaklin Gout: Sure, because what self-respecting Gary Stu would make his age 52?

threJack and coke combos: This part bugs me. It's so Gary Stu. I ask for 'Age' and I get 'Apparent age' 23.

threJack and coke combos: No where does he list his real age beause he's MYSTERIOUS!

Freaklin Gout: For once I just want to see a character who lists their age as 1,000 and looks every day of it.

threJack and coke combos: He can be however damn old he wants to be that suits his ass fucking partner.

Freaklin Gout: LOL

Freaklin Gout: Now that we know he's busy ass-fucking dudes, I guess we should be thankful that he didn't list his age as like 15 or something.

Appearance : Blade has shoulder length black hair and livid blue eyes.He stands about 6 foot 8 inches tall and weighs about 190 pounds.

Freaklin Gout: Okay, when I first read his bio I had to look this one up because it really bothered me. "Livid blue eyes"????

threJack and coke combos: He's mad?

Freaklin Gout: So I looked up livid, and one of the definitions is "dull blue; dark greyish-blue". http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/livid

Freaklin Gout: So I guess that could be it. But I'm 99% certain that he actually meant "vivid".

threJack and coke combos: Maybe he get mad when no one suck his dick.

Freaklin Gout: Let's speculate just how close in appearance Blade's writer is to his character. Think he's got shoulder-length black hair and livid blue eyes?

Freaklin Gout: I'm also kind of guessing that his writer is closer to 4 foot 8 inches tall and weighs 290 pounds.

threJack and coke combos: That is the Gary Stu author average height and weight.

Costume. Blade wears none,he usually wears black. as it is his favorite color.

threJack and coke combos: It's touching that even vampires get sentimental and have favorite colors.

Freaklin Gout: What vampire doesn't claim black as their favorite color?

Powers: Blades sexuality is perhaps his most powerful weapon, he also has the ability to shadow walk meaning that he can stay unseen in the shadows for hours. he is also a avid martial artist, his vampiric streangth adds to this knowledge. he has ESP.. but does not often use it.

threJack and coke combos: Oh wow. So much to say here.

Freaklin Gout: Really. Where do we begin?

Freaklin Gout: Of all the stupid things in this guy's bio, "Blade's sexuality is perhaps his most powerful weapon" made me laugh the most.

threJack and coke combos: I took a writing class once and the teacher talked about her experience teaching writing to college freshman. She said that after telling the students they could write sex scenes, she found the girls wrote like they were all scared virgins and the guys wrote like they were just a penis.

Freaklin Gout: Blade's apparent age: 23 (real age: college freshman)

threJack and coke combos: Gary Stu's tend to have all sorts of wild sexual prowess.

threJack and coke combos: Again, do we speculate the author's real sexual prowess?

Freaklin Gout: Only if we want to throw up.

threJack and coke combos: I enjoy the part about being able to stand in shadows for a long time. That's a quality one wants in an rpg.

Bob Guyeyis: If you speculate about that, than what do you speculate about someone like me?

threJack and coke combos: We love you, Bob.

Freaklin Gout: There is just so much potential in that list of powers for him to commit all sorts of rp-related misdeeds. Is his sexuality his most powerful weapon? That means he can turn you on and sex you up against your will. Can he stay unseen in the shadows for hours? That means he can find out all sorts of information about your character without your character knowing he's there. Is he a supernaturally strong martial artist? That means he can kick your ass three ways to Sunday. Does he have ESP? He can fucking READ YOUR MIND, motherfucker! Bam! Take it! TAKE IT!!!!

threJack and coke combos: Exactly. This Gary Stu has given himself all sorts of things he can God mode with. They always do.


Bob Guyeyis: Uh, all his luck.

Freaklin Gout: His lucks?

Freaklin Gout: Bob, you are the anti-Gary Stu. We would never say stuff like this about you.

threJack and coke combos: Exactly. This Gary Stu has given himself all sorts of things he can God mode with. They always do.

*Weaknesses* Blade can be killed by fire, or sunlight or that ole stake in his heart while he's sleeping deal..although his body is quick to heal the extreme loss of blood would also amount to his undoing.


Freaklin Gout: Oh no, not the Mexican Olé stake!

Bob Guyeyis: Heh

Freaklin Gout: I guess we should be thankful he's not allergic to cinnamon.

threJack and coke combos: Essentially, his weakness is death. In most rpgs it's wrong to kill other characters so by doing this, Blade is invincible.

threJack and coke combos: I don't see this Gary Stu ever putting himself in a situation where any of this will threaten him.

threJack and coke combos: So far his only threat has been trying to leave ooc because at the time no one wanted to take his sexuality seriously.

Freaklin Gout: LOL

Freaklin Gout: That's probably one area where Blade's writer and Blade are exactly the same.

History. Up until moving to Tobey Mills, Blade was a performer at a local night club in Los Angelous. he and his band The Outlaws played every night Blade being their lead volcalist.

Freaklin Gout: Oh god, are you fucking kidding me?

threJack and coke combos: Sadly, no.


threJack and coke combos: You mean 'volcalist.'

Freaklin Gout: Heh. Missed that.

Freaklin Gout: You know how Mary Sues all want to be fairy princesses and super pretty? This is the Gary Stu version of that. EVERY Gary Stu wants to be a rock star.

threJack and coke combos: I wonder how The Outlaws get through a set without Blade's crippling sexual prowess getting in the way.

Freaklin Gout: Haw! How do they all even get through practice without throwing themselves at Blade the whole time?

threJack and coke combos: I suppose it's a good thing he sings. It must be difficult for him to hold a guitar what with his weapon being at the ready so often.

One night a fight broke out and Blade got involved.. it was this night that he met a famos vampire slayer. .Jonathan Smythe whose been hunting him ever since and the main reason that Blade moved to Tobey Mills was to escape the hunter who is after him.

threJack and coke combos: Jonathan, sadly, isn't impressed with Blade's sexuality.

Freaklin Gout: Lay off, Jonathan Smythe! It's not Blade's fault that he's a vampire! He's just trying to rock out and be super sexual and stuff!

Freaklin Gout: Jonathan must be a eunuch.

Bob Guyeyis: He's so sexual, I want to get a sex operation to make out with him! In fact, who needs an operation!?!

Freaklin Gout: I think we all want to make out with him!

How does Blade exspect others to see him..? "unless of course they are also Vampire slayers.. they would see Blade as a very handsome young man whom is quick to smile and easy to anger. he is for the most part kind and respectful to all.

Freaklin Gout: Quick to smile and easy to anger -- all at the same time!

threJack and coke combos: I need to mention here that I let people edit their bios as often as they like and it says a lot that he'd give himself a bio with so many errors in it.

Freaklin Gout: His posts are no better.

threJack and coke combos: Blade: I'm wunderful in evryway, just don'te ask me too write a resumay.

Freaklin Gout: "Kind and respectful to all." Unless you get in his way and then he'll Gary Stu you right into the ground.

threJack and coke combos: I think his avatar is a guy on Passions.

threJack and coke combos: Or not.

Freaklin Gout: Okay, I see the "livid" blue eyes (and after seeing that picture I still contend that he meant "vivid"), but where's the black hair?

threJack and coke combos: Oh nevermind. I have no idea what show he's from but he's an actor who plays a vampire on TV.

threJack and coke combos: Like I care which show.

threJack and coke combos: If you've seen one vampire you've seen them all.

Freaklin Gout: For real. And it makes sense that this actor is a vampire on tv, because Blade's writer has absolutely no imagination. He has to use a cookie cutter bio and image for a character, because he's not creative to come up with one on his own.

threJack and coke combos: He's just another misunderstood vampire looking for love in all the wrong places.

Freaklin Gout: Yeah. The wrong place being my character's boyfriend's asshole.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

What if God was Mary Sue?

Here, dear readers, are the 13 worst of the worst God moding and powerplaying scenarios I've been a part of. Some are big, some seem small but all pulverize my character into nothing. Every circumstance takes away any shred of joy I had playing my character. God moders, pay attention to this and see the damage you do to others because you're too lazy to write your characters the right way:

Is that a Gun up my Ass...

Okay, my first encounter with it didn't directly happen to me but I was in the scene with the poor girl it did happen to. Let me tell you, as a first encounter with it, I was left scarred for life.

I was playing a guy chatting up a girl at a bar over a pint of lager. All was normal until a Gary Stu dramatically threw himself in the seat next to us at the bar. He was loud and obnoxious and needed to be heard, so much that he went ahead and turned into a wolf just to harrass some NPC barkeep.

Her character made an innocent remark to mine that some of the people in this establishment sure were monsters, weren't they? This is all it took for Gary Stu to get the entrance he wanted. He went right over to her, bent her over, shoved an AK 47 up her ass and started shooting until it came out her mouth! Then he backed off, howled and shouted, "Damn right I'm a monster, bitch! I'm a God damn werewolf!" WTF!

I went to the ooc club to immediately complain about this only to find out the 13 year old player of the this Gary Stu was a mod. Another mod had ever so gently warned him that he may have violated a rule in the club. Gary Stu went on to whine that he was just blowing off steam. He was mad because his science teacher had accused him of stealing stuff from the science lab because he's stolen once before.

Gary Stu promised he'd never God mode again but made no apologies to the girl I was role playing with nor was he going to change what he wrote. It had to stay as it was because this asshole, I can only guess, was mad that he couldn't steal all the school property he needed for his budding meth lab.

I give the girl credit for dealing with this as dignified as she could considering not one mod was going address this issue with any sort of authority. She could only stand back up straight and comment, "Well, that was weird, wasn't it?" The two of us tried to get our conversation back to where it was but seriously, how can you when she was so casually ass raped and pumped full of lead?

What's my Motivation?

In the same club I'd created a character that I loved dearly. She was my very first rpg character so I had a lot of sentimental value placed on her. She existed in the rpg before the character I made in the above topic and she'd been doing just fine until I revealed her character's motivation.

I had her wearing a necklace that was cursed. I found a picture of THE necklace I planned to use and added it to my character's picture section because it was that important to me. The necklace was cursed because once in a while it would cause her to have an evil thought and sometimes she'd even be compelled to act on it.

This was all I had to say. I poured out my character's motivation for all Mary Sues to read. HUGE MISTAKE. My character only had a THOUGHT that was borderline disgruntled when a Mary Sue (also a mod) heard her though from across the room. She ran right over and yanked the necklace from around my character's throat and put it on herself for safe keeping. Her character graciously told me she sensed this necklace evil, it would slowly make my character evil and my character doesn't have to thank hers for saving her from this curse. It was her pleasure.

My character asked for it back explaining it was the only thing she had left to remember her dead mom by. Mary Sue said she was better off with it because she had the powers it took to handle a curse like this while she could sense mine did not and she was doing her a favor. I told her ooc that my character did need the necklace back as it was the source of her ENTIRE MOTIVATION! The mod/Mary Sue said that it would be against her character to just hand back a cursed necklace. So that was that. I just had to deal with losing the entire reason my character even existed because that Mary Sue/mod liked my shiny, pretty necklace.

Defeated, I had to leave my first character behind. I bailed on the rpg and left a lot of people hanging because I was so hurt. If a mod could so casually steal my character's purpose and if other mods could turn their backs while other members were ass raped, how could I stay? I lost my motivation to continue.

When Helping is Hurting

This situation happened twice and they are so similar that I feel I can mention them together. I had two different male characters. The first one was a sorcerer who had lost all his powers and he was trying to survive without them. He was fun to play. His whole perspective had to change or he'd be in huge trouble.

The second guy came into the rpg healing from a major beating he'd recieved. He was in a great deal of pain and suffering with the fact that the beating was his own fault. He actually deserved the stress and doctor visits he was dealing with.

I liked that both of these guys were coming into the rpg below everyone else and had to work towards returning to the men they were. Both were humiliated and trying to restore some sort of security again in their worlds. I find this sort of thing compelling. They were both underdogs trying to come back stronger and better than they were before.

The first guy was given his powers back by a wizard who felt sorry for him. Just like that, the wizard flicked his wrist and my sorcerer had all his powers back like nothing had ever happened. The second guy was cured by a witch who just wanted to bang him. Yeah. She wanted nookie and all his broken bones just kept her from getting boned.

So while each Suethor thought they were helping, they just crushed each character's problem which gave me nothing to do in the rpg at all. I didn't last long in either of these clubs after writing my characters became boring without their obstacles to overcome.

Vin Stu

In my second blog entry for rpghitlist I mentioned this guy who wandered into a Buffy rpg I was a part of. He looked like Vin Diesel, he had a supped up penis car, he killed vampires with missiles and was more testicle than person. He was every bit as fun as you might imagine.

My character in this rpg was a regular guy. No powers, nothing that set him apart, nothing distinguishing about him at all other than Cordelia liked him. She, my character and a few others were hanging out in The Bronze trying to work through a mysterious Buffy-ish plot where some new master was about to arise and we were banding together to stop it. It was fun and we were all sharing the plot nicely.


I guess my guy didn't measure up in manliness because Vin Stu hogtied him for no particular reason, threw my character into the trunk of his supped up penis car and chose a really bumpy road to drive on. Since Vin Stu was supposed to be the hero to end all heroes, I'm not sure why he decided this would make us all love him. I put my foot down and screamed him out. I was expecting to get thrown out of the rpg for my anger and language but the owner backed me up completely. She yelled at him too and he didn't seem to think it was fair. He moped and said this was his first rpg and we should show mercy because he had no idea what he did was wrong. We didn't. All whiny and castrated, he said we shouldn't treat newbies this way. He came back to The Bronze and tried to pick up the pieces of his lost manhood.

The owner was impressed with the way I stood up for myself and made me a mod. That came in handy during the next God moding circumstance.

When Mummies Attack!

In the same rpg, not a few moments after Vin Stu was spoken to and my character was returned to the very second he left The Bronze like that shit had never happened, we were joined by King Tut Stu. As far as Gary Stu's he actually wasn't horrible. His thing was that he was an Egyptian pharaoh turned vampire and some other Egyptians dudes didn't like this and sent mummies after him a lot. A LOT! They would appear from everywhere, even up from the ground, just to attack.

King Tut Stu came right into The Bronze with mummies at his heels. They came out from everywhere with their little mummy swords trying to kill him. I guess he felt we weren't having any of our own fun before he came along so he was generous enough to share. He started writing mummies that wanted to attack us. He would write that mummies just appeared out of no where and were behind us, in front of us, to the left, to the right, from above and below and we'd only survive if we fought them off!

I made an ooc post finally saying, "Dude, we kind of have a plot going already and we'd like to finish it before fight off mummies." King Tut Stu was shocked to hear we had a plot already and weren't enjoying his but he took it well. The only whine out of him was, "Well, I did say this happened to my character a lot in his bio but I guess I can put the mummies on hold until after."

Vin Stu seemed to feel we were nicer to King Tut Stu than we were to him so he used him as a pissy excuse to leave the club. He took his penis car and drove to L.A. leaving all us losers behind.

Warren vs Mary Sue

Remember how I said I play Warren a lot in rpgs? You know there had to be a God moding episode with him. It happened a lot but this one chick was such a psycho that I regret ever meeting her. She was the mod in a Buffy rpg based on an alternate univers. Buffy never came to Sunnydale, Willow and Xander were vampires and the Master ruled everything. The mod played Amy, the witch, and she was trying to lead a small band of people to stop the Master. I asked her if Warren would fit into this small band since Buffy never came to Sunnydale. Why not? He wasn't evil yet since this was an alternate world. He could start fresh.

The mod loved my idea and not long into the rpg did she decide to make Warren her boytoy. I let this happen because why not? It could have been fun.

Now even though I should have learned by now that you should never tell a Mary Sue your future plans, I didn't. I was talking with Amy's player on IM and I asked her what she would think if I slowly turned my Warren evil. It's in his nature and it would be a great way to churn out some compelling storylines. She said, "Okay. Cool."

I went right away back to the rpg to post for Warren. He was alone at the time and thinking thoughts that were very humble beginnings towards turning into a bad guy. Well, Amy Sue in all her glorified Sueness came running into the room, sobbing hysterically and started beating Warren's chest and screaming, "Don't you dare turn evil on me. Don't you love me? Isn't my love enough to keep you good?"

Up until this poin this Suethor had seemed perfectly rational but since she was a mod, there wasn't much I could do now. I tried to hang onto the rpg by getting away from her and hanging out with Wesley for a while but I knew that eventually I'd have to return to Amy again and I dreaded that so much that I left the rpg.

If Only his Mom had Read him a Bedtime Story...

In another Buffy rpg I played a made up character who was a member of the Watcher's Council. He was bad, about to turn good but he had a long way to go before he got there. The mod and I seemed to friends so I asked her about my idea and she said it was great. She couldn't wait to start it.

I created a full bio for my character and placed him outside Buffy's house to spy on Giles and her character who was his lover and wanted have lots of babies with him. Yes, that should have clued me into her craziness. She was a witch AND an ex-member of the Watcher's Council AND was sent to be Faith's watcher because she had all sorts of mad vampire slaying skills of her own.

She instantly knew my character was outside and had Giles (played by another member who liked being a toadie, I suppose) haul him in painfully. My character was spying because there was a crack in the Watcher's Council and Giles and her character were going to be assassinated and mine wasn't aware of the assassination part but agreed that she and Giles were becoming a problem.

Anyway, she asked me IM if she could read his thoughts and know why he was there. I agreed because I thought she'd take all her knowledge from his bio only. NOPE! She made up shitloads of her own stuff including that he wet the bed until the age of 13 because his mom never loved him. When I asked her IM why she made that stuff up she said that I said she could read his mind so of course she had every right to learn all that stuff. She had no idea why I was pissed at all so I left the rpg. She told the rest of the club she banned me because I was disagreeable and unstable.

Oboe or not Oboe

I know I should really stay out of Buffy rpgs but I'm a junkie. A horrible, terrible junkie.

After the last season of Buffy ended I wanted to create a potential turned slayer for one rpg where all the potentials were being being sent to Sunnydale for training and protection from the Bringers. I created a high school age girl who was so abruptly taken out of her old life and shuffled into her new potentialhood that all she had with her was the stuff she'd packed for school: her backback and her oboe in it's case.

She had been made aware she was a potential by the time she made it to Sunnydale to meet up with Faith. She, Faith and some other potentials were then attacked by a mob vampires and my girl is hitting vampires left and right with her oboe case and holding her own quite well.

And then Faith decided she wanted to have some fun too! Just like when my other character's neckless was stolen, Faith decided to steal the oboe and beat up vampires with it until it broke! Then she had the gall to tell me ooc, "LOL. That was fun. I couldn't resist. This should be a running gag where she always gets a new oboe and it gets broken. Hee! Wouldn't that be funny?"

Actually, no. Not only had she stolen my character's oboe, she's broken it and then went on to decide that I wanted my character to be nothing more than comedy relief. I really didn't. I could have said no but my heart was just so ripped out by this repeat of the situation that led to my first character's death that I tried to put on a brave face and stay in the rpg but I couldn't. That oboe was my creation and it should have been up to me if I wanted Faith to stick it into vampires over and over again.

Ghost Wankerer

I joined an original rpg where I created a male character who was being haunted by a female character. They got along and he was trying to help her get justice for her death and all was great until they met a Gary Stoic who called himself "Traveler." He was one of that awful, mysterious Gary Stoics with amnesia. He had this shit load of power that he wielded like a mystical toddler.

One power was, of course, fucking with my characters. I had my ghost out of my male character's body and trying to locate something on her own. Naturally Traveler could see her, obviously he heard her voice and he even went so far as to touch her because he was just that fucking awesome. I didn't like any of this but I put up with it.

Then his author says he had a wonderful idea for his character, mine and someone elses character. I said okay, but having met this type before, I added that as long as the end result wasn't my characters being altered in any way than I was up for it.

He never actually said that his goal was to fuck me over but I could tell by his whining, his insantance that I just trust him and my characters would be better than before that I'd wrecked his plans to take my motivations away from me. Oh well. Tough shit. I like my characters struggling.

I'm guessing he left our story because I'd foiled him. I refuse to be God moded by a Gary Stoic.

My Secret is Between You, Me and EVERYONE ELSE so don't tell anyone!

I spent a ton of time in a Harry Potter rpg last year which why the next three God moding situations all come from there. Yes, I stuck with this one as long as I could stand to and it gave me nothing but anger to show for it.

I made a character who was an 11 year old Slytherin boy and while he was rich and was learning magic, he was a kleptomaniac. He was so embarrassed about this that he feared being found out. I should have known better than to announce this in my character's bio but I thought I could trust this group not to misuse this knowledge. BOY, WAS I WRONG!

I could instantly tell who all the Mary Sues were because they watched their possessions around him and knew he was untrustworthy before they even got to know him. Others still thought this made him sort of attractive and they threw themselves at him. The common thread was that EVERYONE KNEW HIS SECRET! They all seemed to maintain their character would certainly know this stuff what with all the mad skills they had in Dark Arts and knowing secret stuff was just one of those things they could do.

I fought with one Mary Sue about this because she was the first to outright claim she pitied him and his little "problem." I told her ooc that there's no way she could know. He hadn't told anyone. She said she was sure he had and she wasn't sure which post it was in but she did. In a forum where one can check back through every post they ever made in the forum, that is a really dumb thing to claim but what could I have expected from a character who was 11 and had three animagus forms?

There was an incident where she caught him with a bracelet that wasn't his and they were in front of a Gryffindor so she whispered to my character, "We'll talk about this later." I seriously believe she imagined these two had an 'offscreen' scene where he confessed everything, wept profusely in her arms and felt better and stronger to have such a great, supportive, perfect gal in his corner.

I stayed away from her for the rest of the time I was in this rpg.

Outsmarted, Outwitted, and Outplayed

That same character from the above situation liked to fight with others a lot. As if it wasn't bad enough that everyone knew his secret, I couldn't even enjoy a simply role play fight with anyone.

On two occasions with two seperate Gary Stus, I thought we had all agreed that their characters and mine would often have verbal fights out in public. Most of the time these were lots of fun. Coming up with names to call them and twisting their character's words to make them look like ninnies was great! They told me they were having fun with these fights too even though all they really ever offered was, "You're a loser. You're dumb. You're not worth my time. You ought to shut your mouth."

I worked with their sad little barbs at my character and made then really great threads in my mind but then each Gary Stu did something that annoyed me. Both claimed outloud that had outsmarted me, outwitted me, made me look like an arse, and made everything think I was a fool. Wha?

Yeah. I call that God moding. Believe it or not, I was pissed. They had just claimed that calling my character an idiot was the thing that won the argument? Deciding what everyone else thought of my character was okay? It really isn't. It's just the sign of a weak role player to me.

Mind Plucking

Here is the incident that broke me. This is the one that made me leave the club and it involved a different character. I was playing the new Divination teacher.

Remember Britnay? She's the chick with that silly, ass banner that reads, "Dose is look like I care?" and her avatar looks like Michelle Trachtenburg? She was the best textbook example of a bitchiwitch that I've ever seen. Her overall goal for the rpg that the mods seem to not find a problem was for her character to know everyone elses secrets and expose them. Yeah, she knew all about my character so I was keeping him away from her to save myself lots of heartache.

Anyway, Britnay was in my Divination class and starts to cast spells on other students. THIS TIME her victims were willing but usually she didn't feel the need to ask if she could fuck with others. As Divination teacher I HAD to do something or else my teacher looks like a powerless moron twiddling her thumbs in front of the class.

My character called Britnay up to the front of the class. Britnay refused because she's a broody, moody Slytherin with a bad childhood and no respect for authority. Knowing she was a Mary Sue I decided to try and hit her in her weak spot. I purposely didn't say this outloud but I had my character think hers was a coward. She was afraid to come up in front of the class. Surely this Mary Sue would continue this theme of wanting to be seen as a badass and come up to the front to prove me wrong.

NOPE! She stayed in her seat and informed me that she was not afraid nor was she a coward. I told her ooc that she just plucked the very words out of my character's mind like a mind reader and that was God moding. She got mad and said it wasn't God moding because if she was mind reading she would have used the words 'mind reading' and she didn't, it's not and I need to let it go. I didn't. I went to the mods who told her otherwise and now I was on her shitlist but she didn't have to worry. I didn't need some asslick Mary Sue hanging over me like an albatross. Between her and the rest of the immature brats, I was sick of the mind reading Hogwarts students and I took my leave.

The Shirt off my Back

Freaklin Gout and Foutine were around for this final God moding incident. They can attest to how sick it was. It happened in my rpg to a character I was playing under a different handle so I can only imagine this Gary Stu didn't realize he was fucking with the owner of the club.

This Gary Stu is a bounty hunter with a curse. When he looks into another character's eyes they sometimes fall in love with him. I mentioned to him that it might be funny if my male character sometimes fell under this spell and had passing thoughts that totally skeeved him out. Gary Stu thought this would be funny but it was so far from funny as he decided to ad lib.

He looked right into my character's eyes and told him to take off his shirt. I laughed and decided my character would think about it but not actually go ahead and do it. That wasn't good enough so Gary Stu waved his hand and my character's shirt and hoodie were just ripped right the hell off his body! I was so mad that I told him through an email that I didn't like that and he needs to rewrite his post. He told me to leave it as it and in his next reply he'd fix it so it wasn't so awkward. Luckily Freaklin Gout was there to talk me out of letting this shit continue. I emailed Gary Stu and told him to tell me what he wanted to do before I agreed blindly to it. He said he'd use his mysterious magic to make all this a fake out vision in my character's head. I said no. It's still God moding to put thoughts into someone else's head. Grudgingly, he changed his post BUT then tried to use mind control on another character to get her to get mine to take his hoodie off. I told him no, forget about it and now I'm trying to get my character away from his for good. At least he's getting his jollies denuding other people who aren't standing up to him.

In Conclusion

Thanks for bearing with me and my long ass post. I'm hoping that I've taught you all, dear readers, how to stop this shit from happening to you or show you how to bail out when things look bad and not to feel guilty about it.

God moding is vile and we must all do what we can to put an end to it.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Good, the Bad, the God Moding

Common Sense, Won't You?

I made this file I'm copying and pasting here even after I was accused of making too many rules in my rpg. Yeah. That's right. Some whore joined my rpg told me I had too many rules, my rules should be just like the ones she made for her rpg and, BTW, here is the link to her rpg if everyone wanted to form a mass exodus out of my rpg and right into hers!!!!! Wasn't that sweet of her?

She said that everything I was saying in my rules ought to be common sense. Wouldn't that be nice if everyone on Earth had the same idea of what common sense was? It would be but since when have two people ever shared the same values about everything?

This file I made for my rpg fully covers how magic and scifi elements can majorly fuck up an rpg if common sense and respect is not applied. These are either things I've seen happen or things I anticipate happening. My hope is that Mary Sues will look at this file and say
, "Bummer. I was totally gonna be more awesome than everyone else by doing this but this file calls it God moding so I can't. Waaagh! Maybe I should leave this rpg and stop wasting everyone's time, energy, patience and tolerance of me."

Here is the nice fluffy version of what I'm telling my club intercut with how I really feel. You may be able to detect where these things have actually happened in my rpg in my commentary. Enjoy while you educate yourself:

Magic & Scifi

Being magical or having some great skill can be fun in an rpg but having too much power or misusing a power can put you, as the author, in serious trouble. If you want to avoid God moding, I've listed some things here for you to be aware of to keep you fair and considerate of other players. (Haw! No one will ever read this file. I know it's a futile hope that people will listen to this but these things need to be said. They really do.)

General Ways to be Fair to Others (<-------- I feel like I'm talking to children... but I really am.)

1. Always read the bio of the person you are role playing with. This way you can be aware of what that person can do. (Like if you see if the person you're involved with is a Mary Sue, you can do a U turn and head back towards sanity the instant they say they're parents were killed by vampires.)
2. When in doubt, always ask about what you can do to another character. (And never ask for forgiveness rather than permission. Ask BEFORE the heinous action is inflicted.)
3. Having said the above, PAY ATTENTION TO THIS:
If Player A decides to use some magic or skill against Player B without asking, Player A MAY NOT claim they didn't have to ask because that magic or skill listed in their bio so Player B ought to know about it. No way. That is not fair to Player B. While they know Player A has that power, they shouldn't be expected to guess how it will be used or even if it's going to be used against them.
(You know, like when Player A has written in her profile that she's part of a super secret organization that has files and files on certain players in the rpg such as Player B so she has every fucking right to know Player B's life story and she doesn't have to ask Player B's permission to know everything about Player B including the stuff Player B doesn't even know about herself yet.)
4. Some people in this rpg have chosen not to know about the supernatural. If they have, you can't just use magic in front of them without asking if you can bust this illusion up for them. (Yeah, like no turning yourself into a giant three headed dog in the middle of a bonfire where normal highschool kids are having a party.)
5. Don't ruin someone else's storyline. You don't know if they have something planned so never assume they don't. (Yeah, like if I'm playing a serial killer, don't sense that I'm about to kill someone another character and stop me. ESPECIALLY don't stop me if character about to get whacked is ALSO played by me.)

*General Magic
Even if Player A, while in character, announces they are going to cast a spell on Player B's character, Player A shouldn't assume Player B saw it coming and didn't have to ask.

Ex -
Player A: Ella raised her wand and poined it at Kira, silently saying the words that could turn Kira into a frog.
Player B: Kira turned, put her hands on her hips and asked, "What in the world do you think you're doing?"
Player A: "I'm going to do this!" Ella said before waving her wand and turning Kira into a frog.

In this example, Player A hasn't asked Player B if she could turn her character into a frog. She just gave a warning she was about to do it and Player B reacted, probably not expecting her character to be turned into a frog because she wasn't asked. Player B should have been because an in character warning doesn't count. Player B should have been approached ooc about if she wanted her character to be turned into a frog. (For instance, one player may not use his Gary Stu powers of mind control over another without asking and get mad when the other player, within their rights, ignores the Gary Stu's horny urgings.)

*Mind Reading

This is a tricky power to claim a character has. Using it at all always requires asking another player if it can be used. Even then, many players won't want a mind reader to guess everything about their character's thoughts or pull information from a character's bio. (Perhaps I should be more specific with this rule since some people play fast, loose and stupid with it. Not only should Player A ask Player B if she can read Player B's mind as she's walking through a graveyard, but if Player B thinks it's interesting that this section of graves bears her family name and that's odd, Player A MAY NOT go ahead and fucking glean that Player B is thinking that she just found her long lost family line. Player A may only pick up Player thinking it's a coincindence. That's all. No more. Zip it, already.)

Always, always, ALWAYS respect what another player wants discovered about their character. Don't jump to conclusions either. If Player A wants Player B's psychic to get that Player A's character thinks psychic is *cute and he wants to take her to bed,* it's a little weird for Player B to pick up Player A thinking he wants to *jump her monkey butt until the morning sun rises.* The thought itself can be flattering but Player B's psychic got a whole other different idea. (In a different rpg, I once let a psychic gather that my character had a crush on another. She picked that up and decided mine wanted to jumo into the middle of this great epic love and mess it all up. Um... no. My character just thought the guy was cute. Never assume.)

Notice I used astericks? This is a practice I've seen used with people role playing with mind readers to let the mind reader know what is okay to pick up. Using astericks in place of quotations is the perfect way to convey the exact thought you want your character to betray to a mind reader. (Like if a Mary Sue uses astericks as quotations to make her dialogue look all twinkly like her voice is made of pure, tiny, sparkly starshine, it can be annoying as all get out.)

Remember, thoughts are complex. One may think they want to rob a bank and that could be a fleeting thought. Under the surface, of course they would never do that. Mind reading can come in all sorts of messages that aren't clear. It's weird to make every character in the rpg an open book to a mind reader. (If you see this Mary Sue in your rpg, tell her to keep her third eye on her own blank mind.)

*Fortune Telling

Some of the same ideas that apply to mind reading apply here. Be sure you read that section. (10 to 1 I lost my target audience by now but I don't care. I must charge on towards eliminating God moding.)

In my opinion, no matter what form fortune telling takes (tarot cards, runes, crystomancy, etc), it falls into these three types: (Take notes.)

Retrocognition: This is being able to see someone's past. Players MUST ask each other if they can know what is in a character's past. Players take great care in creating characters and it's not fair to guess what someone has been up to without express permission from the character's author. (Fancy that... people create characters they care about and don't want others to fuck with them. You hear that Mary Sues? It's not all about you.)

Pericognition: This is know about someone's current situation. For example, Player A cannot just sense that Player B's character is a werewolf without asking Player B. Perhaps Player B would like their character to remain a mystery. If a character is about to murder another, one charactar MAY NOT announce to the person about to get murdered what is going to happen. (LOL! Do I sound bitter here? A tad, maybe?)

Precognition: Knowing what is about to happen to someone before it happens. Well, unless someone announces that is about to happen, like the murder, than this is nearly impossible to God mode. So yay! Player A can't predict Player B will slip on a banana peel unless Player B goes along with it. (Woohoo! A Mary Sue loophole. Suck on that one! She can't know everything.)

Contact Cognition: Touching a person or an object and being able to determine that person or object's past present or future. Again, you must ask if you can use this. (Mary Sue: [she's touching a computer] People are talking about me right now. I sense they don't like me. I'll teach them! Where is my angry Avril LaVigne avatar?)

*Parseltongue, Hearing photographs, Whitelighting, etc
(If you're curious, these powers come from Harry Potter, Midnight for Charlie Bone and Charmed.)

This category is reserved for literary, TV or movie inspired powers. I'm not sure yet if they inherently break any rules. (But if you're a Mary Sue, I trust you'll show me every way there is to break the rules around these powers.)
I can only say that use your best judgment as to not step on any toes. Make sure snakes aren't telling your characters anything about other characters, the photographs don't spill information that out to be discussed and whitelighters don't learn things that they need permission for.

*Telekineses, Pyrokinses, Invisibility, Ghosting, etc

Again, just ask if you can use these powers against others. It's easy to God mode with these so make sure that you use them responsibly. All of these powers have the potential to encroach upon someone else and if you don't ask if you can, you ruin someone's entire story. (Like telekinetically ripping off my characater's clothes without asking could be a real assy thing to do. For reals. It's completely assy. Don't worry. An upcoming post in my blog I will explain this assy but true tale of how a Gary Stu did this to me in my own rpg and then fought with me over it!)

*Flying and Levitating

Characters may fly and levitate themselves but levitating others or plucking them up off the ground without permission is just rude. This also follows that no one should throw, drop or spit things onto people below. At least not specific people. (I know some of you may be thinking that in some of cases that I bring up, Player A could write his post in such a way that Player B has a choice if they want to succumb to Player A's God moding so it's not really God moding. But you have to admit, there is potential for God moding depending on how something is written. If Player A levitates Player B over a pond, how in the Hell does Player B get out of that? If their only choice is falling into the pond in order not to be held captive in the air, Player A is being an asslick. They could pick obstacle A or obstacle B and in either case, was Player B okay with being put in this situation in the first place? Probably not.)


This applies to werewolves, were-anteaters or whatever else you would like your character to turn into. This is fine but be aware that if you turn yourself into a tea pot then others who don't know you are a tea pot will say things in front of you that they may not want known about their character. In this case, I suppose if they are divulging such secrets in front of you as a tea pot, they ought to know what they are doing with their character. (Ooh. Here I am expecting Mary Sues to be responsible for their actions. That's crazy, I know, but I fully expect some Mary Sue to get caught talking about something secret in front of an incognito character and get pissed they weren't paying attention to their character's surroundings. If this is the case, I can only support the 'teapot' in question if they announced they were in the room before Mary Sue came in, not after she did. I will be extremely mad if I have to take the Mary Sue's side.)

Tranforming others is obviously something one should get permission for. Don't turn Xavier into a girl unless Xavier's author says it's fine. (Haw! Inside joke. A friend of mine once played dumb in an rpg and did this a Gary Stu who was annoying. Even the mod chuckled as they told my friend he was God moding but Gary Stu was undaunted. He kept right on showing us how awesome yet mysterious he was.)


Don't heal anyone's character without asking them if you can. Maybe they want to live with that sprained ankle or gashed forehead. You don't know. If you feel your character MUST heal, then stay away from that hurt character because you could end up wrecking their story completely.
(Are you getting a theme here that I'm trying to instill in Mary Sues? Life is full of sucky things that happen to good people. Sometimes strength comes out of pain... like I would not be able to write this blog if I haven't experienced some true pain at the hands of Mary Sues.)

*Superhuman Strength

Just be careful who you throw through a window or who's sword you break in half. Without permission, these things can get in someone elses way regarding their story.
(If you're a Gary Stu who wants to grab someone by the throat and lift them into the air just to show how manly you are, perhaps the poor fool being choked wasn't asked if he wanted to look like a little weakling in this way. Maybe the potential slayer is being too hasty in showing off her mad kung fu skills by breaking a witch's atheme before the witch even actually does anything with it. Characters and objects are IMPORTANT to their creators. Random acts on testosterone-y violence is assy.)

*Computer Skills

The internet is amazing isn't it? You can pull up anything about anoyone.The same rules, however, that apply to mind reading apply here. You just can't know everything about everyone know matter how great a hacker you say that your character is. You must ask permission from someone if you can gain access to their character's life story. (Gary Stu: I know your name because I hacked into your school file. I crossed referenced your arrival to this town with all the recent wolf attacks in the area. I went ahead to look at the lunar calendar to see when the last full moon was so I suspect you are a werewolf. After having learned that, I read through several wiccan sites on how to fend off werewolves and I am now carrying lots of silver tipped weapons. Yes, young werewolf, I fear you not for my shitload of computer knowledge has prepared me to fight you if I must.)

Just watch what you do with those wicked computer skills. If your plan involves someone else's character, bay all means, get the okay from them. Something like hacking an ATM machine for more cash is fine but draining the account of a rich character is very, very, very wrong. (Gary Stu: Haw! I have used my Supergeek 3000 computer to take all your possessions, get you fired from your job, sell your dog to your worst enemy and send a nuclear warhead to the very spot where you are sitting! Perhaps you should have watched your mouth before calling me assy!)

*Nanobots, Robots, Mind Control devices and all that other junk

Like magic, items on this side of the science chart can alter a character greatly. You truly need to ask if you can alter someone's DNA, give them a dose of nanobots programed to turn someone into french toast or cause someone to endlessly sing "Baby Got Back." (I haven't seen this one yet but I'm prepared for someone to say, "Well you said I couldn't cast a spell so my character invented something that could fuck with other players. I'm well within my rights to be a dipshit in this way.)


Ask. Just ask. Don't slip someone a potion in their hot apple cider without asking if it's cool. Use common sense about this, please. Thanks. (I trust no one and nothing. Is it obvious? I hate that I'm so rpg weary. I really hate that I am because I just can't enjoy rpgs the way I used to.)

*Secret/Special Organizations

This means that if your character has secret/special organization backing them up, you should say in your bio what sort of back up this means. Can they call in ninjas? Can they ask all the witches around the world to cast a spell on Tobey Mills at the same time? Do they have agents in the field gathering information on other players for the use of your character? (Yes, this rule came about after the instance I mentioned in the mind reading section. Someone violated this rules without any regard to how it fucked up another character. My thoughts are, if this secret organization has all this info on other characters in the game, where did it all come from? What sources had to be used to get all this info? Think carefully about this one....)

You may not think so but all this stuff requires permission. Everything your character can do because of this organization to one up another character most likely falls under magic and/or scifi. How else would this advantage exist? Please make sure the person your are role playing with is aware of what you plan to do and how you will do it using this organization. (That's right! In order to know everything about Player B, Player A or their organization would have to employ mad computer skills or unbelievable magic. Just because an NPC does all Player A's dirty work, that doesn't excuse Player A from God moding.)

In Conclusion:

You know, I really enjoy making endless rules like this and repeating them like I'm talking to a child in a vain attempt to reinforce them. I love going through all this effort to spell out what is right and wrong only to have no one really take me seriously. Really!

No, common sense doesn't come to most people easily which is why I waste my time trying to teach Mary Sues how not to God mode. Someday I will get there. With each person who reads this, I hope following generations of role players in Magic or Scifi based games will have a heads up on what sort of behaviour is cool and what is assy.

Thank you for your time.

Fairy Sue

As I mentioned, I created an rpg and one friend in that rpg is having particular trouble with a Mary Sue. Let's call her "Freaklin Gout." She created her own breakdown of her problems (in order to prevent a mental breakdown) and her version of this Mary Sue's bio. I'd like to share it with you now as a cautionary tale of what can happen while trying to deal with a Mary Sue. Enjoy!

I have a character in the rp whom I completely adore named Stuart. He looks like Colin Meloy and he's a werewolf and he's just awesome. Here he is!

Yeah. He's super sexy, isn't he? He's also dumb as a rock, because he went and got irreversibly linked to one of the hugest Mary Sues in the rp: AINNE. You can blame me for my inexperience. Had I known what a goddamn anchor Ainne was going to be, I never would have hooked up with her. Let's run down her stats, shall we?

Name: Ainne Rolland

Race: Fairy Princess BUT SHHHHH IT'S A SECRET!

History: Ainne was born to the most powerful tribe of Celtic faeries in Ireland, of which her parents were king and queen. Sadly, other faerie tribes were jealous of her parents' power and so had them killed. At the tender age of one or two (she flip flops back and forth between the two ages -- sometimes even claiming to have been an infant), she is the only surviving member of her family! A loyal family servant smuggled her away before she could be killed and placed her on the doorstep of the Rollands, a human family in Gallway. The Rollands, who were not told Ainne's real identity, raised her and sent her to Tobey Mills. They told her that she would find someone there who would help her discover her past and who she really is!!!!! Currently she is on a quest to discover her past, but in spite of an amazing amount of clues which essentially say YOU'RE A FAIRY PRINCESS, DUMMY, she remains willfully obtuse. Ainne's family has recently written her a letter telling her that since she decided to discover her past, they want nothing to do with her any more. She's been cut off (even though they were the ones who sent her to Tobey Mills to find someone who could help her -- they probably couldn't take another day with a Mary Sue)!!!!

Physical Attributes: 5'9", athletic build (with abs to die for), largish boobs, floor-length auburn hair, emerald green eyes. Currently she is wearing a fairy costume for Halloween -- which, I must assure you, is completely coincidental!!!! She truly has no clue that she is a fairy princess!!!!! For reals!

Trinkets: In addition to her fairy princess costume, she's got a mood cross. Yeah, you heard me right. A mood cross. It was the only thing she had with her when she was dropped on the Rolland's doorstep and changes color depending upon her mood. Stop looking at me like that. I know how stupid it sounds. I really have no idea how it changes color, and to tell you the truth, I don't think she knows, either. She's never really described it. She just said she has a cross that changes color with her mood, but gave no details as to colors or whether it's metal and the metal changes or if there are stones in it and the stones change.... apparently it's so complicated that she's taxed herself just trying to think about it. There's more on the back of the cross, but you'll just have to keep reading to find out what. Aren't you on the edge of your seat now!

Here's an artist's rendering of Ainne. Be sure to check out her slammin' abs! (This was made by our friend who we'll call "Fountine" who is also a member of the rpg.)

Ainne has been leading my Stuart around by his nose with all of her Mary Sue-ness. She is completely unimaginative and confusing, to the poin where I've pretty much lost interest in playing Stuart at all. I'm seriously considering putting Stuart into semi-retirement -- just until Ainne's writer gives up and leaves the rp. [Fountine], [threJack and coke combos (This would be me, Cadence)] and I have been talking smack about Ainne in the chat room, and most of it is just too good not to save, so I'm posting it here.


Freaklin Gout: There. Stuart reply complete.

Freaklin Gout: You know what....

Freaklin Gout: Damn. Never mind. Stupid Ainne.

Freaklin Gout: Do you think maybe Claude would know a spell to conjure up a snake?

threJack and coke combos: huh?

threJack and coke combos: Oh, sure! He can.

Freaklin Gout: But then that would mean having to rp with Ainne again.

Freaklin Gout: Stuart's at the library and Claude's at the library. If they can run into each other eventually and Claude could possibly threaten Stuart with a snake... maybe?

Freaklin Gout: But if you don't want to get stuck with my Mary Sue again then never mind.

threJack and coke combos: I'll do it. I don't mind.

Freaklin Gout: Okay, thanks! Just ignore her. She's going to do something stupid anyway. Just rp with Stuart.

threJack and coke combos: Okay.

Freaklin Gout: No time soon, though. Whenever we get around to it.

Fountine: If there are magic books in the library Ainne could open the wrong one and a bajillion snakes could jump out and eat her eyes.

Freaklin Gout: What, her emerald green eyes?! Noooooooo!!!!!

Fountine: lol!

Freaklin Gout: Don't even think about snakes getting in her floor length auburn hair!!!

Freaklin Gout: She's got an athletic build, you know! She could wrestle any snake to the ground!

Fountine: That's why they went for the eyes. If they went for her body they'd just bounce off her abs.

Freaklin Gout: Haw!

Freaklin Gout: God, she's such an idiot.

Fountine: They wouldn't be able to get through her hair anyway. They'd get poked on her Jesus crown.

Freaklin Gout: Maybe they'd run away from her mood cross.

Fountine: She has a mood cross?

Freaklin Gout: Yes. You didn't know that? She's got a cross that changes color according to her moods.

Freaklin Gout: If it were possible for her to get any lamer in your eyes, I'm sure that just happened.

Freaklin Gout: And it's got a wolf and a fairy inscribed on the back. And Stuart's initials. And hers, even though she doesn't know who she is yet.

Freaklin Gout: And I've had to go along with all this stupid bullshit.

Fountine: Wow. That is retarded.

Freaklin Gout: Beyond retarded. Practically brain-dead.

Fountine: Not so much that she wears a fancy cool necklace, but the mood thing is dumb.

Freaklin Gout: Yep.

Fountine: When did she have time to get Stuart's initials on there?

Freaklin Gout: Oh wow, you'll be amazed by this! They inscribed themselves!

Freaklin Gout: His initials suddenly just appeared!

threJack and coke combos: Wow.

Freaklin Gout: I can't wait for Philippe to show up and make fun of Stuart for getting such a lame wife.

Fountine: Holy shit!

Fountine: That's a fancy cross! I bet she's a fairy princess or something!

Freaklin Gout: WOW! I didn't even think of that!

Freaklin Gout: I wonder if she knows that!

Freaklin Gout: She's been trying to figure out all this time exactly who she is! I should tell her what you said!

Fountine: It would make sense because there's a fairy and a doggy on the back of her cross and she just married a wharwilf!

Freaklin Gout: For reals. I mean, how stupid do you have to be? There's a wolf on the back of your cross with Stuart's initials next to it. There's also a fairy with your initials.

Freaklin Gout: It's like the cross is saying, "YOU'RE A FAIRY, DUMMY."

Fountine: Stuart: I am not, you stupid cross, I'm a ______damn warewoof!

threJack and coke combos: I bet the library has a skin book about lame fairy princesses and the families who ditch them.

Freaklin Gout: Oh! I hope it does! I'll have Stuart find it!

Freaklin Gout: Well, you might think her family ditched her, but she's been trying to put an exciting spin on that! She's now saying it looked like their handwriting, but it might not be....

Fountine: She's even wearing wings with her costume and yet she never had any kind of a clue this may be the case?

Freaklin Gout: Yep. She's all dressed up as a fairy... AND IT'S COMPLETELY BY COINCIDENCE!

Freaklin Gout: You know, I blame myself. I really should have seen this. It just seemed so stupid right from the get-go.

Freaklin Gout: But she made this one post that really reeled me in, and she had Ainne do something before she knew Stuart was a werewolf that I found completely adorable. So I bit.


Next day:

Fountine: You know, if I'd been abandoned as a child or whatever and didn't know a darn thing about my past and was desperate to find out who my parents were, you know where I wouldn't expect to find that information? The local library.

Fountine: And Ainne has no idea she's a fairy princess. Really.

Freaklin Gout: God, I hope she has a library card. Otherwise, she's shit out of luck!

Fountine: Hmm... Where might I, an ordinary human girl, be able to find out more about my mysterious birth? Hmmmmmmm... Oh! I know! The European History section of the library! They have to have updated the history books to include my birth by now, right?

Freaklin Gout: Oh, I'll bet they do! And there's going to be a book that talks all about your secret faerie society of which you were the princess, too!

Fountine: I bet it'll have a picture of me!

Freaklin Gout: Oh wow!!!! That's going to be her secret twist!!!!!!

Fountine: How awesome would it be for her to open up the book and find the MSPaint I did of her?

Freaklin Gout: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freaklin Gout: Don't you tempt me to go all mod and put that picture in her photo folder.

Fountine: LOL!!1!!

Fountine: I wonder how long it would be before she noticed it in there.

Freaklin Gout: I should put it in Stuart's folder. Ten to one says she's never even looked at his pictures.

Fountine: Label it "Mah wife"

Freaklin Gout: Oh, I'm tempted. I really am.

Freaklin Gout: Her secret twists are so stupid, too. Here's an example. When Stuart was giving her a talking to and getting ready to spank her, he told her "Get over here" and poined at the floor next to him.

Freaklin Gout: So she replied and then IMs me with a tag and says (on the IM) "Tag with a surprise". I totally roll my eyes because her surprises are completely lame.

Freaklin Gout: What was her surprise? Instead of walking over and standing next to Stuart like any normal person, she crawled over to him.

Fountine: LAME

Freaklin Gout: I was like, Oh wow!!! What a shocker!

Fountine: A real surprise would have been her saying, "STFU, Bitch!" and then putting Stuart over her knee.

Freaklin Gout: LOL!!

Freaklin Gout: That, I would have loved.

Freaklin Gout: I mean, say you're in that situation (not that I know anything about your sex life or lack thereof). When your husband, who is about to beat the shit out of you, tells you to stand next to him, do you crawl? What person would ever do that?

Fountine: It's not something I would personally get off on. I'd be mentally trying to remember the name of the local divorce lawyer. That would also have been a delightful twist for Ainne to employ there.

Freaklin Gout: She really could have done so much more with the character. And I wouldn't have come up with the dom/sub scenario either. That was all her.

Freaklin Gout: I got so annoyed with her this morning for pouting that I had Stuart bitch at her about it.

Fountine: I saw that. I said, "Heh heh"

Fountine: She's really acting like a little girl.

Fountine: She's making Stuart into her dad and not her husband. Which makes the sexy stuff a little squicky.

Freaklin Gout: Yep.

Freaklin Gout: This is really about as far as I go, though, because it's giving me the skeeves, too. And it's making Stuart look like a real dick.

Freaklin Gout: I will, however, consider tying her up and leaving her someplace to think about her actions.

Freaklin Gout: Stuart: /me calls up Fern and asks if she's busy tonight.

Fountine: Hee!

Fountine: Fern: /me tells Jackie that she just had a vision that the skeleton went THAT-A-WAY! and then runs the other way.

Freaklin Gout: Hee! Come on, Fern, you know you want the werewolf lovin'.

Freaklin Gout: If Philippe takes off I'm considering retiring Stuart temporarily.

Fountine: Poor Fern. She was just trying to get away from Jackie for a few minutes and you misread her signals.

Fountine: Stuart: I have to take off for a while because I'm a werwolf. Arroo Arrroo Arrooo.

Freaklin Gout: No such luck. Ainne now wants to go with him when he's a werewolf. She tagged along last time and totally cramped his style.

Fountine: Stuart: Sometimes when I'm a wharwilf I go to crazy town and totally can't controll myself. So go ahead and come with me... IF YOU WANT TO GET TORN TO MYSTERIOUS FAIRY PRINCESS SHREADS. (o god please come with me...)

Freaklin Gout: LOL!

Freaklin Gout: I'd probably just have him leave town. Or one of you guys could have one of your characters put him in a catatonic spell.

Freaklin Gout: And then he'd just lie low until she got bored and left.

Fountine: I could see Graham doing that.

Fountine: Hee! He'll be lying there with his tongue hanging out and Ainne would get to write all these Mary Sue replies about how she wants to save him and then all you'd have to do is occasionally post:

Fountine: Stuart: ...

Freaklin Gout: God, that is too perfect.

Freaklin Gout: SOLD

Fountine: We could think of some pretext for Graham and Amber to cross Stuart and Ainne's paths and for whatever reason they get in a tiff and Graham goes all warlock on Stuart.

Freaklin Gout: I love Colin Meloy too much to kill Stuart off, but I could retire him for a while.

Fountine: Where the hell is [Cadence]. She needs to be here when we plan things.

Freaklin Gout: She said she'd be here at 3. Which is in like six minutes.

Freaklin Gout: Sure. Graham would be a good one to kick Stuart's ass. Plus, if he had *Amber* helping him beat up on Stuart, that would be a delicious twist of the knife.

Fountine: Totally

Fountine: And I've been hoping Graham and Amber would go adventuring together for a while now.

Fountine: Amber isn't officially evil, though. She's, at worst, undeclared morally. So whatever reason Graham used to take out Stuart, if Amber joined in it would have to be for reasons other than being an evil bitch. Like self-protection or she thought he was going to eat some children or something. I don't know.

Freaklin Gout: There we go. Now they have an adventure.

So there's the story of my poor friend's suffering. Let this be a lesson to all who think they can deal rationally with a Mary Sue. Freaklin Gout wants to kill her most beloved character just to get him out of the clingy grip of a needy, whiny, angsty Mary Sue. We have tried everything we can think of to extricate him but nothing has worked so death is the answer. R.I.P. Stuart. We'll miss you.

Don't let this happen to you!