Mary Sue Jokes: Part One

Why do Mary Sues always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken because they are all supermodels or are part Veela.

~*~

Mary Sue goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" She replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother was killed by vampires!" The boss, feeling very sorry for this tragic Mary Sue, says, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off and go relax." Mary Sue calms herself because she's very strong in the face of all adversity and calmly states, "No. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here. I am a typical Mary Sue, after all. Drama is a part of my life." The boss nods. "If you need anything just let me know." A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Mary Sue. He finds her crying hysterically. He rushes over and asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" Mary Sue breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom was killed by vampires too!!!"

~*~

Mary Sue just got a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

~*~

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, with his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual Mary Sue jokes. Just then a stunning girl wearing a green dress, with floor length auburn hair and fairy wings in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your Mary Sue jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype us that way? What does the unrealistic color of a person's hair or eyes, the unfair advantages we give ourselves, the relationships we have with canons and the selfish way we role play have to do with our worth as human beings? It's guys like you who keep Mary Sues like me from being taken seriously and treated like the fairy princesses we are. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only mary Sues, but Gary Stus as well, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and she yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

~*~

Did you hear about the incredibly buxom Mary Sue who lost the breast stroke swimming competition? She complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

~*~

Kawaii Sue comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and says: "Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm kawaii?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're kawaii." The mom says.

Next day, Kawaii Sue comes back from school and says, "Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm kawaii, mommy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're kawaii." The mom says.

Next day, she returns from school and cries: "Mommy, today we went swimming. All the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive rack at her mommy. "Is that because I'm kawaii, mommy?"

"Yes darling, and it's also because you're 25."

~*~

One day I was jumping up and down on a set of railroad tracks saying, "21,21,21." A Mary Sue walked by, noticed me, and started jumping up and down on the tracks and repeated what I was saying. I heard a train whistle and jumped off of the tracks. The Mary Sue kept jumping and saying, "21,21,21." The train ran over her and I laughed. When the train ended, I jumped back on the tracks and started saying, "22,22,22."