Tuesday, March 31, 2009

She'll Graduate Magna Cum Sue

This Sue is from an rpg about an Academy for vampires. I've seen many vampire schools but I will never get the idea behind it. I guess they can spend time learning practical things like math and science but when you've seen as many vampires in schools (or just any rpg set in a school) as I have, it's clear you can't teach them anything. They are all super smart and skilled in everything BEFORE they even enter the school.

Name-Lyric Blossom Angel (Oh Hell. Hell no. No way. Way. She has SUCH a Mary Sue name and we just started.)

Age-16 (You know what? She's a vampire who looks 16 and actually is 16. If she's physically aging but will live forever, she's gonna spend most of her existence looking scary!)
Power-Lyric can controle fire in a stunging way.She still has a little problem useing it but other than that she is very good. (Her stunging abilities are not great but still great but her waffling skills will astound you!)

Weapon:Bow and Arrow (I wish this bio had included info on why she needs these weapons and what she uses them for. Her background history isn't specific on this fact. I guess she just needs something else to be awesome at and this rounds out her many gifts.)

Bio-Lyric was always alone as a child she was born as a pure blood vampire.At times she hates being a vampire cause everyone dosent like her not even her own vampire parents. (Her parents don't even like her because she's a vampire?) At the age of 10 she fanily left to go live on her own and she has been doing great.Well then she found cross Academy and told the Cair man she was a vampire he was very pleased to have her here.He gave her little pills that go in water and gives the taste of blood but she wish it was real blood. She moved into her drom room and has live there for 6 years. (It's so sweet that despite all her tragedies, this vampire is able to land on her feet. She narrowly avoided being a trailer trash vampire.)

Personality-Lyric is a loner and dosent talk much.She not shy she just dosent always like to deal with people she rather be alone but when it comes to a fight she is all in it and wont back down till she wins. (If she speaks as well as she communicates here, no wonder she chooses not to. Perhaps she gets into fights because so many people ask her what stunging is.) She can be bossy at times. (But she doesn't talk much???? How can she be bossy and shy all at once????? DOES NOT COMPUTE!) During class she awlays stands by the window looking at the moon. (I have a feeling that at this school, most of the students are depressed and like to stare out the window.) When she is in a serious mood you better back off or she will snap at you if you do somthing wrong. (But she's shy. Except for the times she's bossy or in a bad mood.)

Looks- (See the scared, anime child with the submissive pose and runny mascara.)
Blood type-pure blood. (Did she mention that?)

Addition to the Unfortunate Typo Files: This guy was afraid of how people would view his rpg about different ethnic gangs fighting over a city:

"To all those who called me "Raciest": You forget that I am a fan of JAPANESE CARTOONS and LISTEN TO THE BLUES."

Speak little and be a Mary Sue....

No one will ever be able to convince me there's a good reason for making character so painfully shy that they speak very little or not at all. For one thing, this makes it hard for characters to communicate if the character sticks strongly to this trait. Everything must be one sided and, believe it or not, that leaves the silent character in control of the scene.

But more than that, these characters need to be taken care of. They need to be babied and protected not only because they don't speak but also because the reason they don't speak probably has something to do with some major tragedy. Poor, wittle Sue was tormented into silence.

At least these Mary Sues spare us the witty banter.

"She doesn't speak much, however if she does she usually delivers some kind of information that is relevant to the situation at hand."

"Personality: Well... she doesn’t speak too much. She’s ashamed of her voice and goes to great lengths to keep from talking, even as far as learning a bit of sign language and carrying a notepad around wherever she goes so she can write down the things she wants to say to people. "

"Personality: Alice is a shy person. She doesn't speak often and keeps to herself. She doesn't like to be around many people, andwsometimes wishes that she wasn't born."

"She has pale skin, and she doesn't like to be touched by anyone but her adopted mother, Kaitlyn. She doesn't speak much, although when spoken to, her voice is like a song by itself. She's been told she was unbelievably gorgeous, although at times she is disgusted with herself."

"Personality :: Naomi is very quiet. She doesn't speak much unless absolutely needed."

"She is, indeed, a good girl and does as she is told. She doesn't speak much, but when she speaks, it's worth listening to."

"Personality: Nindeth is rather quiet, she doesn't speak easily to people she doesn't know well. Only those with patience and kindness can truly learn to know her. She is calm and collected, always thinks before she acts."

"She doesn't speak much, but is full of wisdom and skill in all areas."

"Miu is such a quiet girl. She doesn't speak very much and is basically shy. She doesn't like to be in crowds or be the center of attention. She even gets uncomfortable when just one person is looking at her."

Don't let being mute fool you. She's still wise beyond her years, terribly gorgeous and skilled at everything.

"Personality: Aiko is an extremely shy girl, and being mute doesn't help her with social skills (not many people know the mute language), she can be seen as an anti-social kid, but, the truth is, she's just most of the time ignored."

"Manfred bowed his head down low, but he was kicking himself on the insides. "Duh huh Manfred! She's mute you moron!" he thought to himself. He didn't really know what to say, he felt sorry for her but didn't want to bug her about it."

"Boi: Layanna is a rather strange girl. She's mute, but can understand others fine. Also she can't hold much energy herself, so she dances to summon enough energy for her spells."

"One of her ears is shredded from a fight with a dog, and she's mute, but has found a way to communicate through her sister, Still. Heavily pregnant, but her mate was killed, so looking for another one."

"Name: Shizuka/ Which means quiet in japanese
Specal: She's mute... That means she cant talk"

"A few moments of silent finger-talk later, the incident is forgotten. Sirco is a mute. At the start, it was hard to communicate, but by using basic gestures and translating it in written form, both Roland and Shuffle now knew enough to communicate with their "sister"."

"Stand-offish at first, Rosuto is a quick obeserver; picking up everything that a normal person would miss. Quick, soft-spoken for when she does speak, but most of the time she's mute; Rosuto seems to have a soft spot for the hard-luck cases."

"Phyre is a thief, born and raised on the streets of Firelle, due to the unexplained death of her parents when she was just three years old. Now she is nineteen years old and a little over five feet tall with long red hair and green eyes. Normally, however, her hair is tied in a bun to keep it out of her way, especially while working. She's mute and has a dragon symbol tattooed on her tongue."

"Mistkit is a silent kit, of course, and prefers to stay to herself most of the time, stuck in her 'obsessive shell' of things. Nonetheless, she is a very, very hyper and playful kit, and wants to prove to herself and ShadowClan that just because she's mute, does not mean she has no destiny or cannot be a Warrior."

And, because it had to happen:

"Other:She's mute,and a very good computer hacker.She's also a neko."

Leggo That Neko!

Just when you thought Kawaii couldn't get any weirder, here I am to bring you more proof of what's wrong with it. Here are some more terms you need to know about anime:

Neko - Not a candy

Cat ears. We've all laughed at rpg characters with them but what is the story? Why are there so many cat boys and cat girls sneaking into every aspect of rpg culture? The term for this is 'neko' which means 'cat' in Japanese. I suppose there could be many really good reasons why neko isn't creepy but I'm not buying any of them.

Supposedly it has nothing to do with being a furry. I haven't found anything that solidly defines the distinction between having cat ears not being a furry. It seems, just having cat ears, purring and licking oneself is not at all like a furry even though furries have been known to have cat's ears, purr and lick themselves. Not at all similar though. Stop being confused!

There is a feeling that having cat ears shows one's virginity and innocence. Usually characters with cat ears are very childish or cute. Kawaii is all about being cute and child-like but that doesn't at all explain the sexpot neko characters with giant breasts, guns on each hip and sultry, sleek cat ears. These characters with feline traits are mysterious and slinky. Perhaps they are the natural evolution of little kitten-human babies all grown up and ready for some pouncing.

Cat eared people, being like cats, may have attributes such as being seductive, patient, graceful, sly, agile, stealthy and dangerous when the claws come out. Since many cultures revere cats, these wanna-bes often have supernatural powers such as superhuman strength, psychic abilities and many lives to fall back on. What more could a Mary Sue want?


Do not confuse chibi with neko even though the two can occur at the same time. 'Chibi' means "small child" or "short person." This is a supercute form of a grown character. This would be the child version of an adult that appears for no obvious reason other than to wring out the cuteness until there is no more. An rpg with a chibi theme might have one or all of the normal grown characters (sometimes canons) appearing as babies.

How cute would it be to fully analyze a diaper fetish? Wheeee! Harry Potter may have a diaper rash and Little Hermione might have to pull off his diaper and rub ointment all over his wittle, baby bottom. Seriously, children are not off limits sexually when it comes to chibi. All you need to do is slap some fake cat ears on that baby and start masturbating.

SD Does Not Mean "Scary, Deeply" But Should

Super Deformed, or SD, refers to the way a character is changed to make them look younger or cuter. This would be the giant soccer ball eyes and the huge, lolling head that couldn't possibly be supported by the neck it's attached to. This type of thing makes banner and avatar artists go all squee when they get to make deformed, anime babies for themselves and other players.


I don't have any. I haven't seen the decent side to any of this. In every circumstance where I've come aross neko, chibi or Super Deformation, it's all about children and sex. There is nothing cute about any of this. I'll read any opposing arguments that anybody has but it will take a lot for me to not be completely yucked out by it all.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dancing with the Mary Sues

We already know she's stronger than she looks but how does she look? Besides the curves, the stunning eyes and the flowing tresses, what does she have left? Legs? Thighs? Arms? Butt? Belly? How do these things all fit together on a Mary Sue's beautiful body? What body does that leave her? With the body of a dancer. Or a dancer's body if you're nitpicky.

"Most say she has the body of a dancer, with long agile legs, small chest and graceful features. She moves with a feline grace."

"She has the body of a dancer, and moves like one, with muscles strong but unseen beneath her pale flesh."

"She has the body of a dancer. Her normal dress is either loose flowing skirts that are easy to move in and peasant tops or soft leather pants and a peasant top."

"She has long, thick blonde hair she prefers to wear loose and straight, and bright blue eyes. Standing at 5’7", she has the body of a dancer: soft curves, skinny legs, and a long neck."

"Description: Eli’s hair about waist length and is always gets blown in the wind; she is tall and beautiful, and she has the body of a dancer."

"Skin is pale...but not as pale as her families. You can tell she's been out in the sun for a while. She's got the body of a dancer: lithe and with long legs. She stands at 5'9"."

"She holds her self with dignaty and grace... most of the time. She has the body of a dancer, very will toned all over and slender. Portrayed by: Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana."

"Inside was a young woman, probably Orpheus’s age or a bit younger, long black hair that looked to be her natural color rather they dyed and a slim and slender body of a dancer."

"Sylvana is physically tall and slender, with what some might call the body of a dancer. Though she is fit, its quite difficult to tell, and therefore others are often misled to think that she is of average fitness, when she is closer to that of an athlete, not a professional one though."

"Physical Attributes: She is small and petite. She is very attractive and has the lean, curvy body of a dancer."

"Elspeth is tall and slender; the body of a dancer. She has long brown hair, and has pale, freckle-less skin. She has large, very dark brown eyes that always seem to be searching for something. She has full lips, and a thin nose. She speaks with an American accent."

"She is wonderfully beautiful, with the body of a dancer and skin that is absolutely flawless."

"He has the body of a dancer, tall, lean and muscular, Muscles are very well defined because of his lack of body fat."

"At 16 years old, Kelsie was the object of affection to nearly every man in her class, including teachers. The body of a dancer and the personality to match it."

"Sloan stands at about 5'5, has the body of a dancer and the face of an angel..and she certainly knows how to work all of that into her own little manipulating package. She has a set of big brown eyes that can bring a man to his knees just by her fluttering her eyelashes and a smile that could stop traffic from blocks away."

"Alexa is shorter than most people, but she has a dancer's body: compact, lithe, and beautiful. Her emerald green eyes flash with anger or sparkle with happiness, and her intricately braided long red hair swirls and sways with her movements."

"Appearance: She has a very feminine, curvy figure with an exotic accent, though she has a dancer's body."

What does Harry Potter think of this Mary Sue? He doesn't have to decide. She'll tell him.

"When she thought she was just another just another muggle she did ballet and she has the body of a dancer. She is skinny weighing in at an even 100 pounds but she is rather small only about 5’0" in height (Therefore making her as Harry puts it "Exceptionally good at dodging bludgers)."

What's Black & White and Gary Stu All Over?

I've tried. I really have. I've done everything short of actually joining a furry rpg and attempting to play. I've read through tons of furry rpgs and sat in judgment about why they like this sort of thing and I still come back confused by it. This bio is no help in my understanding of how mystical and magical it may be to associate oneself with an animal. I still find it all very silly.

Name: Issaeor Eschill (Ess-shill) (How do you say his first name? I see it as Eye Sore)
Age: 25
Species: Emperor Penguin (LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! Furries are so weird.)

Height: 5'5"
Weight: 145 lbs
Fur or skin description: Black head and back with furlike feathers. He has an elongated face and the standard bird beak-like mouth (Which moves to speak with lips, etc.) (Penguins don't have lips. They really don't. Beaks are lipless. Have I mentioned furries are weird?) He had a white chest and, unlike most of his kind, he is thin and fit. (Yeah. Those other chubby penguins who use their fat to stay warm are losers.) He had yellow feathers behind his eyes leading to his chin. His feathery hair is only a bit of a puff off of the top of his head, which he keeps well-groomed. His finlike arms are kept shiny and clean. He limps on his left leg. (Snowboarding accident?)

Eye color(s): Yellow (With little, yellow flecks in them.)
Nationality: Junswu (Born Arciti) (Terrible neighborhood, as I understand it. Lots of penguin drugs and penguin crimes.)

Personality: Issaeor is optimistic and friendly, although he is a bit shy. It takes him a while to get used to people, but if something strikes his curiosity or interest, he becomes more open (Which isn't difficult.) (All you really need are a few shiny pebbles.) He is aware of how awkward he acts and looks and often uses it to break awkward moments with humor. (Eye Sore: "If I even look at another krill, the weight will go straight to my hips.")

History: Issaeor's father abandoned him after his mother was killed by a Seal, (A VAMPIRE SEAL!) for he had no way to feed his son or himself without Issaeor's mother. (She sure did bring home the krill.) He lived alone, scrummaging for what he could eat and use to survive for a year, eventually breaking his leg. (In a really, terrible snowboarding accident!) He was adopted by a pair that had lost their chick to the cold, and was raised by them, growing stronger. When he finally reached adolescence and was to live on his won, however, his adoptive father brought him to a Husky trading port, where a Tiger named Khable made him his apprentice. (An apprentice what? Seriously, before you read further, consider what is happening here. A tiger is training a penguin to be an apprentice. What sort of job could this possibly be? Just guess.) Issaeor learned to become a Magi and grew up in Junswu. (A Magi??? Of course? I bet your answer seems silly now, doesn't it?) Now, in order to join his mentor's Order, he has to travel for ten years and see the world, which he intends to do.

Occupation: Magi-for-hire (I was guessing that the tiger was going to teach him to taste good but what do I know?)
Class: Magi (Or else I was imagining the tiger teaching the penguin how to bring down an antelope or something. I will just never understand furries.)

Powers: As he was taught by Junswu Magi, his spells tend to deal in extremes. His magic is very potent, but also requires a great deal of energy. His emotions and personality usually deals in healing, traps, and boosting abilities. (Huh? What sort of magic does he do? I'm reading this as: He has great powers. Wondrous powers. Amazingly, cool powers. And on the side he heals, traps and boosts abilities because that's where his personality and emotions lie or excel or whatever. I don't know. I think he just gave himself free license to Gary Stu without telling us how he plans on doing it. He'll just pull random magic out of his little penguin ass.)

Weapons: Issaeor wields a scimitar and a pistol. (LOL! He carries weapons? Little, tiny weapons fitted to his little, tiny wings? Wait! If I find that even the little, tiniest bit cute, does that mean I like furries now? Damn it!)

Skills: Junswu Magi powers; (Which are..... what?) proficient with Scimitar and similar swords; proficient with pistol (Just picture it! His little, tiny, feathery wings wrapped around around a scimitar or squeezing on the trigger of a pistol. It's sort of adorable. Lord help me.)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

That's My Name, Don't Take a Crap On It

I've only shown you a few scifi rpgs/bios so I dredged up another. This bio comes from an interesting forum where random rpgs are set up all the time. One person will start a thread with the scenario of the rpg and a bio form. Others who want to be a part of that rpg will reply with a bio and then when enough characters are available, the role playing game will start spontaneously. It's kind of cool. If you can keep it straight, you can be involved in several rpgs all on one site and each rpg will (ideally) come to a logical conclusion. When it's over, you just search out a new rpg. No big deal.

In this rpg, aliens came to Earth and accidentally made the human race sick. They try to help a small group of humans by giving them an extra circulatory system. This new race is called "Hemophoric" and their blood helped cure the human race but now some humans are addicted to these Hemophorics. These special humans are trotted around like whores... unless, of course, you are a Mary Sue who is wise, strong and just more awesome than someone awesome!

Name: Cadence Strong
Age: 16
Race/Species: Hemophoric
Side: anti-Hemophorin
Appearance: She has wavy red hair that ends just below her shoulders and light brown/golden-y eyes. (Golden-y eyes? No flecks? I feel cheated.) She usually wears autumn colors (yellow, orange, or red)(Great colors to where when one is hiding!) and sweatshirts/long-sleeved t-shirts or jeans (wears extra to cover up her second circulatory system, which, like a regular person can see their veins, people can see). Average height and weight, and because she’s athletic she’s strong and fit. Very friendly looking. (She's a little Kawaii: spazzy and childish. She's not at all effected by her circumstances because she barely understands them.)

Personality: Outgoing and laid-back, she’s quite the opposite of her best friend, Amelia. She doesn’t care what people think of her, much to Amelia’s dismay. She can keep a secret very well (more about that later) and is very ambitious. She has the same desire to prove herself as Amelia does, but for an entirely different reason. Hides behind a mask of joviality, is actually angry and disgusted with herself. (Oh! She is emo Kawaii. That's hard to pull off.)

Biography: Her parents were killed because they both had the extra circulatory system (they both dealt in the market for awhile, but wanted out because they didn’t want to get their daughter involved in it, too; no one knows what happened to their bodies – and NO, I’m not planning on having them show up surprisingly and say "Oh, no, we weren’t really killed" so don’t worry, they really are dead). (This doesn't get her out of being a Mary Sue. I'll deduct half a point.) She went to the same orphanage as Amelia and both were adopted by families in the same town. Her adoptive parents don’t know about her second circulatory system because she’s learned to hide it so well, but she’s always trying to prove that she isn’t like the rest of the hemophorics. She wants to prove that she can overcome the general prejudice of them. (I'm already prejudiced about the way she is. She's lively, smart, bouncy, athletic, friendly and drop dead gorgeous. But that's just a Mary Sue. I hate to point out that overcoming a prejudice about being a hemophoric means telling everyone what she is. Oops!)

Powers: Slight enhanced senses, or whatever the hemophorics can do. (The author didn't even pay attention to the premise of the story? That's a very bad sign.) Perhaps each should be particularly adept in only one certain area; for example, one hemophoric has a very sharp sense of smell. In that case, her special sense would be hearing. (Oh... now we are rewriting the premise to suit ourselves?) Also, very athletic and involved in sports. (Also, very pathetic and involved with dorks.)

Weaknesses: Chocolate milk. No, I’m not joking – she’s allergic to it but loves it (how can you NOT love chocolate milk?). (For real? She's gonna do that? Some fancy schmancy hemophoric is lactose intolerant? A glass of chocolate milk will bring her down? It's her kryptonite?) Also, very sensitive when it comes to her heritage. (Yeah! Don't hate her because she's awesome!) Because she has good hearing, loud noises frighten her, really hurt her ears, and make her a bit deaf sometimes (like if you suddenly see a really bright light, it takes your eyes some time to adjust). (So Mariah Carey is also her kryptonite?) Deathly afraid of worms. (She gonna be the worm face! But seriously, this chick has no actual weaknesses.) Doesn’t like addicts to hemophorin. (Again, some chocolate milk, loud noises, a handful of fishing bait and some harsh words will make her sweat? Nothing will actually beat her if she's attacked. The sheer power of her Mary Sueness will protect her from everything.)


Worms are very scary and dangerous, mind you. Just so you know. They're slimy and evil and I'm sure they're trying to take over the world. (Aw, damn, she's a cutesy little emo, Kawaii, scifi teenager. I hope she brings up her irrational fear of night crawlers a lot for comedy relief. I really do.)

Writing profiles is very fun. Get a chance to exercise my writing skills, and it's something to do when you've got writer's block. (You know what's also great for writer's block? Obstacles. Sure, you have the whole "afraid to show your identity" thing but beyond that, it doesn't mean crap if that character isn't in any danger of being exposed. Danger is conflict which is a thing stories need. Standing around and being cutesy and untouchable gets old real fast.)

Just like the vampire who hates being a vampire, this chick seeks to straddle both sides of the conflict. Her character has a bubble around her that keeps her away from any real plot development. This story didn't last long but she spent most of it speaking in baby talk to her friend Amelia. The real action centered around the people who actually did want to put their characters on the line, expose them to threats and take some blows. Not skip around and be wonderful.

Cadence, I chose you for your name and you have sorely let me down. The next Cadence I find better have some balls.

It Sucks Being a Vampire

Even vampires hate themselves. Imagine that. They are just filled with angst, guilt and inner torment about what they are. Some vampires just have trouble embracing the cold-blooded killer within. They whine their way across the Earth and through eternity because their undead lifestyle is such a great burden to them.

Where does this come from? I imagine it's because many a Suethor would like to be a part of the normal rpg storyline next to the good guys but they strive to be better and stronger than everyone else. Vampires are strong, very seductive and occasionally have awesomely, cool super powers but, traditionally, they are meant to be evil bloodsuckers. How do you get around that? How do you reconcile all those evil thoughts and deeds? You become a vampire that hates being a vampire. You hate killing innocent people so you swear it off by vowing to only feed on animals, going to blood blanks, seeking out willing victims and sucking only on the elderly or society's worst humans. You spend your time fighting evil next to the good guys and trying to convince them you are nice. Oh, the great turmoil that churns up your soul and spits it out just makes you horny, doesn't it?

"Now he is a vampire who hates being a vampire who has just be informed of a different way. Called a blood bank."

"She hates being a vampire and enjoys watching things die before her, though deep down, maybe her soft heart will resurface."

"Apperance: Blonde bangs that cover his eyes slightly, wears black t-shirt and faded denim jeans
Extra: Vampire
Bio: He hates being a vampire, he wants to be human."

"She hates the fact that she's a vampire, she just wants to be normal."

"Bio: is a vampire, and *trys* to keep it secret. she is so far succesful... and she has vampire abilitys like ice and shapeshifting and extreme phisical ability(only uses when neccecery) she hates being a vampire blue, black, and silver Runner"

"she hates driking blood but has to to survive,and hates being a vampire because she feels as if she wasnt maybe people wouldnt treat her so cold and like her.since shes a vampire she trys not to get close to anyone so in the end she dosent end up hurting them."

"Attitude: He hates being a vampire. Ever since his syre died he has tried to find ways to remove his vampire blood, to no success. Sometimes he walks in the sunlight to try and wear it off but he always comes out worse for wear."

"Other:hates being a vampire wants to be human"

"Personaltiy: funny and brave, Tican can still have a caring side too. He talks whenever he feels like it. He hates being a vampire."

"Bio-Lyric was always alone as a child she was born as a pure blood vampire.At times she hates being a vampire cause everyone dosent like her not even her own vampire parents."

"Meanwhile, Genevieve sulks in Language Arts class about how much she hates being a vampire, and how she’d rather rot in Hell."

"He hates being a vampire.He hates having to kill,having to drink blood(partly because of morals,partly because it's highly inconvenient),all the legends and lore associated with his race,and he'd like to be able to enjoy the sun without worrying that it'd bake him alive."

"I personally liked Jenny as a vampire. Wish she would stay that way. Still, Jenny hates being a vampire and she is the one being it, so I always help her."

"Personality: very agile; quick learner; cares for nature; hates vampires with a strong passion [she wants revenge]; honest; not the bravest person you've ever met, but very brave when she has to be; determined
Weakness: gullible; afraid of too much emotion; very sensitive about her past; can be blinded by her hate towards the vampires"

"Others: second head cheerleader, most popular girl in school hates being a vampire, never shows it but she lives with it"

"Breif Bio: Despite being one herself, she hates being a vampire. As a result, she is usually seen conversing with humans and tends to ignore people she knows are vampires as well. Diong so, though, has gotten her lots of enemies, which is why she carries around her trusty Glock."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Anime is Here to Stay... er... Stink

I don't like anime. You may have noticed. It gives me a general skeevy feeling everytime I see those giant eyes and impossible hair that anime characters have. Someday I might try to sneak into an anime rpg just to see what this creepy underbelly of rpg culture is like. Before I do and, perhaps, before you do, here are some terms to be aware of:

Bishounen: (Or Bishonen) This means "beautiful boy." This is when a male character is very feminized. He may be homosexual or just very girly. A character like this is often very smart, creative and sexual but not usually in an aggressive or offiensive way. But do not be mistaken: Gary Stu's run this category. They are all terribly witty and have martial arts abilities. The Mary Sue equivalent is "Bishoujo" even though it's redundant because Mary Sues are always beautiful.

Chanslash: (Also known as 'shouta' or 'shota') The word "chan," used as a suffix, is an affectionate Japanese term for children. When coupled with the word "slash," it means underage sex. Both or one of the characters involved in sexual activities is a child and they can be horribly graphic. Normal slash communities tend to find this stuff offensive and encourage those involved to clearly mark that a story or rpg contains chanslash but you may not find it until you stumble into it.

Ecchi: In Japanese, this is how the letter 'H' is pronounced. 'H' as in Hentai. It's a wink, wink, nudge, nudge way of getting around this word.

Henshin: The act of turning into a magical alter ego. Your dull character of Elsie Horace puts on a magical necklace and her mousy, brown hair and hazel eyes disappear and she turns in Mary Sue with waste length blonde tresses and shimmering, purple eyes and she can fight crime with her rapier wit and sharp katana.

Hentai: This refers to extremely kinky sex and horrific levels of porn. Perhaps porn that even the most seasoned of horndogs might shudder at. Also called "tentacle porn," like chanslash, this stuff should always be clearly marked but isn't always. Participants in hentai can be gay, lesbian, straight, young, old, human, vampire, dog, cat, squid, alien, plant, park bench, resident of Delaware or whatever sort of filthy kink combinatination you can come up with.

Ketsuekigata: This means a universal knowing of what someone is all about based on knowing just their blood type. I was going to make fun of this because I assumed it was just a comic book thing but it is taken seriously in Japan. Have a look here! Then again, when you calculate all the possibilities such as vampire, werewolf or whatever blood, you get a whole new set of rules that make this theory lame.

Lemon: This refers to a porn-heavy level of hentai. This is the hardcore stuff that will blow your mind.

Lime: This is a mild level of hentai that might be okay for some audiences. More stuff is suggested or happens "offscreen." There's still sex but it's mentioned in a PG-13 way.

Yaoi: Male on Male action! HoYay! Harry/Draco, Draco/Ron, Ron/Neville, Hagrid/Dobby, Angel/Spike, Warren/Andrew, Kirk/Spock, House/Cameron, Charlie/Sawyer, Edward/Jasper, J.D./Turk, Tony/Silvio... You get the idea, right?

Yuri: Female on Female action! Hermione/Luna, Buffy/Willow, Britney/Christina, Bella/Esme... and so on.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Anime is a strange and silly world and the stranger and sillier it gets, the more insane the sexual situations are. More definitions are on the way though it may kill me to look at more of this crap.

Mary Sue Jokes: Part Three

I don't know if these amuse anyone else but me but who cares? Enjoy!


Three rpg characters are traveling in the Amazon; Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and Cadence. They get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to Mary Sue, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Mary Sue responds, "I will take oil because even though my stepfather use to rape me and beat me, I am still a delicate flower!" So they put oil on her back, and a large Amazon whips her 10 times. When he is finished, Mary Sue has huge welts on her back and can hardly move. The Amazons haul the Mary Sue away. They say to Gary Stu, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" Gary Stu says. He stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask Cadence. She responds, "I'll take Gary Stu!"


How is a Mary Sue different from a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.


A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a Mary Sue!


One day, God calls on Gary Stu and says, "Gary Stu, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I gave you a penis and a brain. The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one organ at a time."


What's a Tragic Sues favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme


How do you save Gary Stu from drowning?
Take your foot off of his head.


What do Tootsietramps and turtles have in common?
Once they're on their backs they're screwed!


Why do Gary Stus have to flex their muscles around women so much?
Because they have nothing else to brag about.


What's the difference between a Mary Sue and the Titanic?
They know how many went down on the Titanic.


A bitchiwitch, a qanonreip and a sparklypoo walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

All That Glitters Is Just Pyrite

"Description Chin length brown hair, that has natural red highlights in it. Brown eyes with gold flecks."

So why gold flecks? They make a Sue or Stu glittery and sparkly. When she or he looks at you with those shimmery eyes, it's hard to look away because her beauty or his handsomness is so overwhelming. Perhaps those eyes are intriguing or romantic. Eyes with gold flecks in them may indicate a magical and mysterious lineage that makes them all the more awesome and unique than those around them... assuming, of course, that all the Mary Sues and Gary Stus around don't attempt the same level of awesome and uniqueness by also having goldeny flecky eyes. Would a Sue ever do that?

*Note how the hair is often highlighted as well. Yikes!

"Appearance: Blue eyes with green and gold flecks, Black hair with blue and gold highlights, tan skin, birthmark on neck-- wraps around and looks like a dragon,"

"His eyes are soft brown, with golden flecks that come out in the right light, giving him a predatory appearance in a way."

"Hair Color: Brown with blond bangs
Eye Color: Hazel with gold flecks"

"She has wavy, uneven, lower-back length, black hair into which beads and feathers are braided with eye length bangs. Her eyes are bright emerald green with gold flecks. She has slightly tanned skin, and a lean lithe yet well-gifted body from wearing little and hunting in the top foliage of the trees."

"Tall, taller than Galadriel or any female Elf, with perfect porcelain skin (luminous, clear, and pasty white), LONG (down to her ankles) luxurious golden hair that always seems to be flowing in the wind, and amethyst eyes with golden flecks, brighter than the stars. Sometimes TOO bright (they glow in the dark)."

"Her hair is a rich red, with streaks of gold in the heavy waves. The eyes are grey-blue with gold flecks, large and lashed thickly with brown lashes."

"Appearance: Very black hair, very green eyes, with gold flecks in them. Very handsome."

"Skin: Naturally pale, with a golden tan in the summer
Eyes: Amber with gold flecks"

"His eyes are sky-blue with golden flecks presenting themselves around the edges of his irises"

"So I promptly changed my form into what I was told my kin the sun elves look like: deep bronze skin, shiny black hair, no demon wings, and black eyes with gold flecks."

"She was always so beautiful when she laughed: her face lit up, her dimples shown, and the gold flecks in her eyes danced like stars in a sea of chocolate brown. She was breathtaking."

"His eyes were black with golden flecks in them, framed by his dirty blonde hair."

"Appearance: copper hair, emerald green eyes w/ gold flecks, slender, worn clothing
sorry, i'm sure u don't need another elf, so if u want me to be another race, let me know."

"Description: Longish brown hair, always braided. Brown eyes laced with bright gold flecks that glow when she uses her powers or when her emotions are on overdrive."

"Her eyes are green with golden flecks, encased inside a black ring that defines her eyes"

"Eye Colour: Dark green, with gold flecks.
Physical Mannerisms: Wears a tribal charm made of bones and feathers around his neck for no apparent reason."

"Looks: She has layered long brown hair with natural high-lights throughout. Her eyes are a similar color of brown with small gold flecks in them which make them resemble her hair even more."

"Her body became that of a tiger, golden with deep black stripes, her eyes became wider, a deep green with gold flecks, her hands and feet changed to massive paws; her mouth protruded and when she opened it to growl at him, she bared her very sharp teeth."

"Gold flecks in his green orbs caught the sun through the window and sparkled like amber and emerald."

"looking over her with emerald optics that seemed to glimmer. If you were close enough, you might be able to see tiny gold flecks in the irises... He blinked."

"Her paws are a bit on the darker side, with her long claws nearing a yellowish color. Akash's eyes are a liquid brown type, with golden flecks here and there."

"Looks: Palimino, stunning purple eyes with silver and gold flecks"

"Hair color: White w/ Electrum frosting
Eye Color: Violet with gold flecks
Skin Color: Creamy"

"Fine silver hair, fair skin (gold undertones), intense brown eyes with gold flecks"

Physical Description: Faythe is 5’4" with a slim, but muscular figure. She has long, dark brown, wavy hair with hot pink highlights. Her eyes are brown with gold flecks and a gentle face."

"Appearance: Greenish tan hair, long in the front and short in the back. His eyes are a sharp gray with gold flecks in his right eye around the pupil."

"Mirari's eyes are a changeable hazel green, speckled with gold flecks -- although it's not really recommended to get that up-close-and-personal with her. She might bite you. They waver between green, grayish, teal, and a sort of mingled green-brown-gold randomly."

Here's another addition to the Unfortunate Typo Files: (Sometimes spellchecker can bite you right in the ass!)

"Hazel dug into her pocket and pulled out a few heresy kisses. She then proceeded to jam them into her mouth chipmunk style. When Hazel was upset or stressed, she tended to eat chocolate by the handfuls. Suddenly remembering her manners, she dug several more out and held them out to Josh."