Wednesday, April 25, 2007

When Boys Try to be Men

Here is a character created for a medieval rpg:
Name: Stabos
Age: around 23 (So he's 31 and trying to pick up girls.)
Gender: Male
Species: More human than a Human (Huh?)
Hair: Shoulder length sandy brown
Eyes: Piercing Ice Blue

Apparel: Typical swashbuckler, romanticism pirate type of clothing (A general medievally, renaissance-ish, sort of Robin Hood-like, Camelotesque, Lord of the Rings type stuff, you know? I think he’s just dancing around the word ‘tights.’)
Weapons: an enchanted bastard sword which talks to him (telepathically) (Okay, I laughed at the use of the word ‘bastard’ here but it’s a real type of sword. Check out this wiki link) and can harness the powers of fire, ice, and Lightning and focus them into a cone shapped blast with a range of 50 feet. (You know, an extension-of-his-manhood sword.)
He also carrys one dagger in each boot, (and a gun in each holster) not to mention his extensive hand-to-hand skills (Oh, I’ll bet).
Powers: Just the ability to talk to his bewitched sword. (and laser beams shoot from his eyes! FSHOO FHSOO FSHOO FSHOO!)
Others: to best describe my character, just watch, "the princess bride" and Wesley is pretty much my character in looks and attitude, as well as skills (and bocci ball talent).

History: born to a poor family, he was raised on the streets. His quick agility and nimble fingers made him and above average street thief. (So now he’s a Dickensonian, Faginy sort of artful dodgerish guy) He soon picked up tremendous skills with blades, mastering daggers and swords by the age of 15. The enchanted sword, which calls itself Morgana, (So it’s a female sword that wields the powers of a penis) was given to him by the head of the Theives Guild when Stabos turned 18. Since then he has turned to a life of adventure, seeking it where ever he may go in whatever form he may find it. (This last part reminds me of a weird kid I went to highschool with named Scott. One day Scott started using a laptop in class that he said the guidance counselor just gave it to him. I can imagine how that conversation went down. "Scott, you really annoy me. I will give you a laptop if you leave me alone forever." I’m sure the head of the ‘Theives’ Guild was hoping the same thing of Stabos when he gave him a talking sword and pushed him out into the world.)

Now here's another tidbit for the Unfortunate Typo Files. This one comes from a blurb on the front page of a club. Blurbs are the hook that mods use to reel people in to there clubs. This club is now long dead. I can't imagine why:
'Ello people, this is your basic roleplaying group. Pretty much any thing goes, as it will probably take place in an era where technology lives along side the old ways (i.e. renisaunce [sp]).

Ya think [sp]??????? Try harder!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Hanging onto a Canon

This term occurs when an author creates a character that hinges on or is attached to a canon. This isn't necessarily a bad thing but sometimes it can be like an albatross around the neck if you're playing that canon.

Hanging onto a canon can massively wreck an rpg depending on what the author does with their made up. Remember the Self Insert I mentioned that plunked herself down into a Buffy rpg as Harmony's forgotten sister? That is a great example of how you do it wrong.

Let me give you an example off the top of my head. Say, for instance, the rpg is based on Tim Burton's movie "The Corpse Bride." Here are the canons:

The Corpse Bride - the engaged who has ceased to be

Victor Van Dort - the hero voiced by Johnny Depp

Victoria Everglott- the woman Victor is supposed to marry

Barkis Bittern - the man who killed the Corpse Bride and wants to marry Victoria

Say all these canons are being played and they are running about the rpg all happy and cheery. These characters naturally connect because they belong to this story. Now let's throw in some made ups that choose to hang their characters onto these canons:

Viveca Van Dort - Long lost sister to Victor

Rhianna Crow - A witch who has the ability to bring the Corpse Bride back to life.

Emily Everglott - Victoria's younger, cuter sister who just got back from London where she was studying magic.

Brandon Cole - A boy raised by the dead in the cemetery where the Corpse Bride lived. He secretly loves her.

Briana Bittern - Barkis' daughter from a different marriage and she wants to help Victor fight her dad because Barkis killed her mom.

Mina Corbineau - She was the bride Barkis killed after the Corpse Bride and she wants revenge also.

Dietrich Von Hammer - He is a vampire hunter strolling through town who has fallen in love with Victoria.

Yvonna Van Dort - Another sister of Victor's who has a special bond with her brother.

Olivia Everglott - Extremely poor cousin to the Everglotts who lived with them and acts as a maid but is good friends with Victoria.

Maddox Cross - A vampire who loves the Corpse Bride and wants to take her away to be married into his clan.

Cecily Ravencry - An herbalist in the village who has a crush on Victor and makes excuses to bring him balms and salves.

Hannah Baxter - Secretly dating Barkis and doesn't know he's a murderer but is pregnant with his child.

I could go on forever but you get the idea. Too many of these made ups can really fuck up an rpg especially if they need the attention of their target canon right away. Most of these characters are Mary Sues (and I'm looking especially at you, Hannah. I'll be talking about babies in rpgs soon enough) and they need to be a direct part of this story right away. Imagine if Victor and Victoria are trying to have a scene together (which they should be able to, being canons and all) and everyone here steps in to bug them.

My conclusion isn't that hanging onto a canon is wrong but it can be annoying for a canon. I would suggest that if you choose to rpg in a world with canons, make a character that can be independant and will mesh with everyone in the game. However, if you have to latch on to a main character, be content to role play with others besides the target canon. They have enough to do without dealing with Mary Sue's yipping at their feet like hungry puppies.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Gather 'Round the Big Top!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present, CRAZY SUE from a Harry Potter rpg:

Name: Celesta

Gender: Female. Or so she’s been told. (There's a simple way to check this..... )

Age: 11

Please list your character's three personal desires:
1. To make her mommy and daddy and brother happy.
2. To stop taking the nasty pills mommy says to take. (This is a lovely habit to add to a tween based rpg!)
3. To make the whole world happy because it doesn’t seem to be very happy and it should be because being not happy is bad.

What is your character's main weakness?
She is VERY mental, she is quiet half the time, she can be extremely loud when not quite as she never stops talking. She also has asthma and sleepwalks, which isn't very good if you wake up and find yourself in the great lake... She's narcoleptic, she can be slightly slow at times, as naive as a five year old child if not more so, is weak, unable to protect herself, way too protective of her brother and the rest of her family. (Le grand list of Celesta's medical conditions! ADHD, Asthma, Avoidant personality disorder at times, Can be slightly bi-polar, At times depression, Dyslexia, Kleptomania to a degree, Mania, Narcolepsy, Nightmare disorder, Paranoia, A huge list of phobias, Schizophrenia and Sleepwalking) (Please, just open up a Grey's Anatomy (the book not the show) and point at things. CRAZY SUE will be there too!)

What is your character's main strength?
She is intelligent, even though she is crazy she can STILL GET HER WORK IN ON TIME (Sorry, in joke there...), she is quiet when she needs to be, and is amazingly optimistic when she isn't depressed, VERY protective of her brother and family.The above questions will be used to sort you into the appropriate house. (She's playing for a crowd. Suethors do this but this one is different.)

Celesta has a... Interesting... Look. She usually wears dark colors with strange colored accessories. She usually wears either black jeans or skirts with rainbow colored stripes. Her shirts are usually just plain colored, or have random sayings on them. She also has thick rimmed glasses, and usually paints her fingernails black with white dots on them.Her hair is another story, it is never the natural color (People aren't even sure if it does have a natural color). Currently it is black with the bangs in multiple colors. The hair its self is long and kind of curved up in the back.Her eyes apparently change color with her mood.Her skin is very light from rarely ever going outside, if you catch her in the right mood you could almost think she was a Vampire (I would rather mistake her for Hannibal Lector because she's wearing a mask and a straight jacket and needs to be carried out on wheels.)

Celesta is a kind girl; it’s just she gets… Confused occasionally; every once in a while she just kind of zones out, and follows orders unless they are very outlandish. She will get very annoyed if people call her crazy… After all, she got better… Celesta occasionally likes messing with people by pretending to go even loonier then she is which isn’t a good thing to do when you almost already live in a loony bin. She is actually a smart kid, and thinks far ahead of time, for example, she already knows what he wants to major in in college (If she goes), philosophy. Celesta has quite a few odd tendencies though, sometimes she talks only and riddles, while other times she growls when she is happy. (This Suethor left out STARK RAVING ATTENTION WHORE! It's a good thing I just added it or you'd never know.)

Family background:

Mother: Veronica *Squib*Her mother is a nurse at ‘Rutledge Asylum’, where she deals with lunatics every day, though she has just about an equal amount of lunatic at home. She is constantly self medicated. (Harry Potter is a tween world. Leave the pills out of it.)

Father: Todd *Muggle*Is the head psychiatrist at ‘Rutledge Asylum’, he is a brief man who is rarely ever home, he doesn’t seem to care for his family much, but who can blame him… (Ooh! A social commentery on absentee dads is hidden in here somewhere... )

Twin Brother: Johnny *Squib*He is in one word, insane, there is a more complex description but that involves several words, and several of those words not many people like. To Celesta, he is one of the few people in the world that is sane. Also, just a note, Johnny and Celesta are just fraternal twins, not identical. (Oh! Thanks for clarifying! Otherwise I would have assumed they both own penises.)

My gut feeling is that this is a troll. Possibly a teenage troll who thinks he/she is being witty and who might honestly be upset when their character isn't accepted in the rpg. He/She needs to go smoke a ciggie, bitch about their parents then come back to their computer with a clearer head. Maybe they should go write some blog poetry about weeping geishas or some crap before they wonder why they are never accepted.

Now I bring you the first installment of Unfortunate Typos. Here is one from a different Harry Potter rpg. As a side thing, I've been checking out how school based rpgs handle classes. They are a necessary evil that can make a break a school based rpg. A mod wants kids to interact and know each other in a school setting but that only happens with classes. It's weird to have a school where no one has a class. They just stand around in halls and no true role playing happens. This particular rp actually holds classes and lessons are taught and in some cases, homework is expected. I respect that if someone wants to explore their character that much, they are allowed to do so.

Anyway, I'd like to start a new segment called "Unfortunate Typos!" Welcome!

Here is a typo from a professor who is running a potions class and he's written these instructions on the board:

Stir ten times clockwise, and ten times counter clockwise
Your potion should now be red, green, blue and yellow.
P.S. If it isn't please calm me

Monday, April 16, 2007

Vampires Suck

They really do.

I, personally, love Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other such Vampire based programming so I role play in Vampire based rpgs. Even so, there's one Mary Sue bio scenario that I hate a lot. I hate it a lot because I see it a lot. And now you will.

I found this scenario by typing three little words into a search engine. I copied and pasted them together. Most of these are from different clubs but, even more horrifying, sometimes 3 or 4 came from the same club. See if you can spot those three little words.

"Background: A full blood Lykan; Only child; Street werewolf; Parents killed by vampires."

"Seeing his parents killed by Vampires, he swore to hunt them down and kill the vile creatures."

"Then a man found him and raised him as his own, only to tell him at 15 that his parents were killed by Vampires."

"Bio: His parents killed by vampires when he was a toddler, his aunt took him under her care until he was 15, she was also killed by vampires"

"Lives with older brother in Japan. Parents killed by Vampires."

"1 brother and his sisters family has been killed by vampires and there henchman."
"Her family was killed when she was 16. They were killed by vampires instead of killing her they turned her."

"living condition:Most of the time solo but lives in a manchin with other vampiresbackground:He parents were killed by vampires and she was turned"

"After his parents were killed by the vampire that bit him, Elliot was rescued by the successor to the Van Helsing line"

"I do wish to live a good life,those monsters killed off my family.My parants,my brother,my sister...I made a vow I'd destroy all vampires..."

"His family and friends were killed by vampires, so he decided to hunt them."

"Bio: Family and friends were killed by vampires blah blah grudge blah blah."

"Damien pretty much lived a normal life with his parents until one day the vampire, Lucifer, killed his parents."

"Her family killed by vampires she hates them witha passion and hunts them for the satisfaction keeping track of how many she has killed by cutting her arm and making a scar"

"I for one am sick of running. I've been running ever since they killed my parents!"

"Vivienne's rage mounted, she was there, she was one of the one's who had killed her parents."

"When she was 6 her family was killed by vampires, a purebreed vamp turned her into a halfbreed, but a special one."

"Unusual Quirks: both of his parents killed by vampires and he is out to kill the vampires that killed his parents and for that reason he is quite agitated whenever a round a vampire"

"raised in england for ten years, was approached by a watcher, and was told of my slayer destiny, involved in training to this day, parents killed by vampires two years ago"

"He seen both his parents killed by Vampires when he was just a wee lad. At that moment he made himself a promise he would keep. He wanted to protect people of all races - even Vampires."

"After his family farm was raided and parents killed by Vampires, Aleck took his sister Medow and wandered for many years."

"She still does hold a place in her heart for him, even though she doesn't see him that much and is married. Both had their parents killed by vampires,"

"Family attacked ring of vampires; part of family killed by vampires; rest of family moved to New York; more of family killed in car accident;"

"background: whole family killed when she was 12 by out for revenge..."

"Poor guy had his whole family killed by vampires...sniffle.)"

"One night he came home to find his entire family killed by vampires."

"his family killed by vampires in Leah's line, he has an intense hatred of the race and will stop it nothing to kill the last of Leah's Blood Line in vengeance for the death of his family... He has never met Leah, but hunts ruthlessly for her)"

DAMN IT!!!!!

It's one thing to create a character with a need for vengance but I am getting so tired of this 'vampire killed my parants' bullcrap. I didn't realize vampires could suck out creativity too. Is nothing original anymore?

Now that I'm all cranky about vampires in general, here's a canon character that I've seen played horribly in several different clubs. This would be Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Here's a snippet of what I mean:

"Spike smiles at Faith 'So you think I'm special, do you, Pet? And I think we are getting along. I don't know where the bloody nasties are, been looking meself, I was hoping you could tell...what with your slayer powers and all.' Spike takes a drink of his beer. 'Spicy Buffalo Wings anyone? See, Aleria is it?..they used to make this onion blossom thing...tasty...but these wankers took it off of the sodding menu. Party sounds good, but someone should really teach this band how to play their bloody music proper.'"

Weak Spikes seem to believe all you need to do is say 'bloody,' 'sodding,' and 'blooming onion' and that makes you Spike. No. It just makes you a pratty twat wanker with no imagination. Bollocks on you, mate.

Try a little harder, please. No Spike is better than a half-assed one.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Pre Mades. The fastest way to kill a club.

I really hate pre made characters. Pre mades occur when the mod has an agenda. They make pre-made characters up so certain plots can can be forced into happening. It's like taking on a role in a murder mystery. If you're Miss Scarlet and you need to know who used the candlestick and where, you have to talk to other player to find get clues but only in the character of Miss Scarlet. Let's all hope you look cute wearing a red, strapless gown.

Some pre mades could be fun for the player but most people surfing through rpgs are looking to create a character for themselves. I think that upfront a mod needs to tell players that they need to take on a pre made or leave the option open but I can guarantee that not many people with that option will take it and like it. It's forced and weird and most authors would rather express themselves and just let stuff happen on it's own.

Here are two pre mades that made me cringe and puke and cry.

Name: Ruth Annie Barrington (Her nickname is Ruthie because she's cute and bubbly. She's from an rpg that's attempting to be like a soap opera.)
Personality: she's very outgoing and friendly, she is also somewhat flirtatious
(She strangles kittens to death in her spare time to remain so damn cute. Balance has to be kept in the universe somewhere, right?)
Status: seriously dating Nik for 4 years (And never once mentioned to him that he spells him name like a girl.)
Job: Ruthie is a waitress at The Phoenix
Activities: Cheerleading, Chorus, Drama, Swim Team, Dance Team, President of the SADD club
(She's just this close to being made president of the "oh so damn cute" club if she's not careful. But wait! If she was, she might have to take uppers to keep up with it all and then she'd develop an addiction and then she'd be like Jessica Spano in that one very special episode of Saved by the Bell. That could be cool.)
Relationship(why in Hawaii): Ruthie grew up in Hawaii, she has lived here her entire life, she loves (Whoa! Let's stop right here and count all uses of the word "love" in the following paragraph and just try to keep your lunch down. That is one.) her family very much, expecially Josh and Lauren, Ruthie is very close to her triplet siblings Josh and Lauren, they do everything together, she is very much in love with Nik and has been for a while, she will do pretty much anything for her family and friends, she is popular at school, and is in the "in crowd", she does alot of activities at school, she loves both her parents the same, she loves animals, she's not that spoiled, she loves living in Hawaii, and like a typical Hawaiian she loves to surf and do the hula, she also loves to shop, and hang out at the mall and the beach, she helps out at home since both her parents are working, she helps care for Miguel, making sure he does his homework, etc..., she has 3 dogs(Sunshine, Princess, Spot), 2 cats named Rascal and Angel, a kitten that she rescued named Lucky, a rabbit named Bunny and a farret named Bandit
(That's six. That's is just way too many loves for one person but look at all the pets!!! I'm onto to something with this strangling idea. She's a Pre-Made Sue who will crush any damn conflict that comes her way. No wonder this club tanked as a soap opera.)

Here's a second rpg character from a high school based rpg. This one is far better thought out which means there's a slimmer chance someone will take her.

Name: Jenna Annalise Edwards
Grade: Senior Age: 17
Appearance: In height, Jenna is fairly average, standing at 5ft7. She has deep brown eyes, and a slightly
olive complexion that gives her a year round tan. Though it is hard to convince Jenna otherwise, she is by no means fat. You wouldn’t even suggest that she was slightly overweight. She perhaps isn’t tone like some girls, or skin and bones like others, but she is a slim girl, at size 6. However, when Jenna looks in the mirror she sees an unattractive gaudy girl looking back, not the beautiful girl that many others see. She hates her hair, hates her body, and hates her face, whereas most would be having trouble to see anything wrong with her.

She looks like Alyssa Milano. That means she's skeletal, her boobs are all over the internet and she has a cooter tattoo! These are all things we need to be aware of when considering she looks like Alysso Milano. Lots of Mary Sue's like to use her image as well but for me it's hard to trust any character that looks like her because all I think when I read her bio is, "Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter! Cooter!"

Personality: Jenna lacks the confidence to stand on her own two feet, and has always turned to those around her to lead her through life. Over the last few years, this has been one Stephanie Bryant, and perhaps a worse choice in friend has yet to be found. Jenna shares all of Stephanie’s opinions, and finds it hard to answer questions when she is not around. She lets her do all the talking, and then merely backs up whatever she is saying. She is usually quiet when found on her own, and really only comes out of her shell when under the influence of Steph. It’s hard to tell though which version you see is the real Jenna. (The cooter version!)

History: Jenna has always lived in Ridgefield, and always gone to Richmond High. She has never been a big girl, but she feels that she is, and purges or starves herself to try and keep herself looking thin. She hides this fact very well, and even her parents are completely oblivious to what is going on in their daughter’s life. (They should be asking what's going on with her cooter.)You wouldn’t go so far as to call Jenna a slut, but she has found herself on more than one occasion hung over, and alone, wondering what she had done wrong. Sex isn’t about power for her; it’s about trying to find somebody that will love her. She wants to believe that she is beautiful, and she moves from guy to guy in the hopes that somebody won’t just say that to get her into bed, but will say it the next day, and the next. (She's bony and slutty. Here we are, right back to Alyssa Milano. Why not just make the pre made into Alyssa Milano herself and post a picture of the cooter? It would have made more sense.)
Job: Waitress at Uncle Joe’s on the Pier. (She's a waitress like Ruthie. I see a pattern. I think it means she's wholesome and can think on her feet. Her grits can be kissed.)

Other Information: Jenna’s brother is on steroids, but the family is unaware. She keeps his secret only because he has told her he’ll kill her if she tells. He has something of a temper, and she’s inclined to believe that he could go that far. (This right here is a big problem I have with pre mades. I guess one could play around with this. Cooter Sue could feel all unnerved after talking to him about his big muscles and tiny weiner but then he'll threaten her and she'll puke her brains out. That will be the end of it. Unless the mod allows one sibling to get caught with their addiction, nothing will change and the storyline will burn itself out. There's no longevity here and it will get boring pretty fast. You don't make characters like these and keep them in a holding pattern. Maybe the mod should watch something Alyssa Milano is in and note how conflicts move plots along. Not silence and puking.)

Dislikes: Pretty much whatever Stephanie dislikes. Herself. (Oh! Ow! Burn! Big Mary Sue Burn.)

Pre mades kind of threaten an individuals creativity so they can crush a club. Expecting people to follow your vision won't work unless you have money so expecting people to follow your wishes in a club isn't going to happen. If you're gonna make pre mades, you might as well write yourself a novel with all the ideas and expectatons you have because it won't come true in an rpg.

Now here is a Mary Sue from a Harry Potter club that I'm bringing you because it made me laugh. Here she is establishing how she's better than all the other Mary Sues as she explains how she got elf blood in her veins:

"She has got Elf blood from her father, who was once at Hogwarts. One day, Georgia's father, Daniel was messing about in the school kitchens. He often went there, to tease the elves, and to steal the food. This happened every night, and the elves had no choice but to leave Daniel to it. One night, the elves all grew restless of Daniel stealing the food and teasing them, when an elf just flipped. From being a kind, caring elf, it turned into a monster and grew very angry at Daniel. The last night Daniel went to steal the food, he was bitten by the angry elf, and so, elf passed into Daniel, and stayed there. That is why Georgia is a quarter elf."

So you can turn half elf just as easy you could catch AIDS. Who knew? That's very odd and creepy and makes Christmas seem scarier than ever.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Canons. Canon Sues. Canon Inserts. Self Inserts. Things I hate for 100!

Canons are characters in an rpg that come from a novel, TV show or movie. Obviously this would be Prof. Xavier, Spike, Sheridan Boothe, Lestat de Lioncourt, Lana Lang, Claudia Kishi, Mariel of Redwall, Opal Koboi, B.A. Baracus, Shawn-Douglas Brady and so on. Every fictional person, vampire, mouse, mutant, pixie or whatever that appears on screen or gracing any pages can be a canon. <-------- See "canon" in the spanky new glossary

Canon abuse can occur in many different forms. Here are the three most common and one of them I even made up!

Canon Sue: <----------- Also in the glossary!
Canon Sues are Mary Sues in disguise. A Canon Suethor will idealize the character into a total corruption of who the character is to make them better, stronger, faster, smarter, more heroic, and more troubled. Even if the Canon they are working with is Lex Luthor. I saw this one in a Lost rpg where I was playing a female made up. The suethor playing Charlie, in one post, saved my character from drowning (even though she wasn't drowning nor even in the water), delivered a baby, took the baby into a cave to get it out of the coming rain and then got the two of them caught in a cave in. I wish I were exaggerating a little. I admit that after reading that one post I said, "Screw this club" and I walked out.

Self Inserts: <------------ In glossary.
This when a person creates a character totally based on themselves. This is a Mary Sue that directly links up to the author. Sometimes they give themselves amazing abilities and crap but for all intents and purposes, the character is A REAL PERSON!!!!! Self Inserts are especially aggrivating because it's almost worse than a Mary Sue. I saw one in a Buffy rpg that is a textbook example. The author started off playing Harmony and she was doing well. Her Harmony was an average Harmony. Maybe even a good Harmony. She should have stayed Harmony. But then it happened. She asked if she could create a whole new made up character that would just be great and fit into the game all nicey nice. She was allowed and she plunked herself right down in as Harmony's forgotten sister who had witchy powers. She posted pictures of herself and joined herself right in with Harmony's character in some remote cave so they could bicker about how Harmony's vampireness was affecting their parents. *insert eye roll here*

Canon Inserts: <----------- I made this one up and put it in the glossary but it's still valid.
This is when an author signs up to play a canon but then strips away everything the canon is to turn the canon into themselves. Maybe the author identifies with the canon in some way and this is why this happens but the end product is a canon that looks like the author. I saw this in a Buffy club and it was an amazing transformation the author made from canon to self. She was playing Tara. She started off having cute little moments in the Magic Box with Willow. Willow left and she sought me out to role play with. I was playing a guy at the time and "Tara" approached me normally and since I was a bad guy I menaced her a little. Then the author wanted to talk to me in the chatroom alone to discuss a scenario she wanted to play out. She told me that in real life a psychic had told her she was reincarnated and in a past life, during the Civil War era, her step-dad has beaten her and locked her in a basement. She wanted me to make Tara call me daddy, beat her, and lock her into the backroom of the Magic Box. I said I didn't really want to do that but I would continue with the menacing only not as mean and maybe my guy would just leave the Magic Box and she would remain okay. She agreed to this and as soon as I left she found another male character to ask this favor of. She left soon after citing creative differences.

Mods are the bottom line here in what they will allow, canon-wise. I trust them to make it clear what they want in an rpg but sometimes they want a canon who isn't everything they truly are in books or on screen. Even I can't get annoyed with this. The canons are being placed in new scenes and new plots facing new bad guys. They can't always remain 100% true to form. I get that. But if you are a mod, you need to be aware that people like these make your clubs die an icky, horrible, sputumy death. A little variation is fine but when Chris Halliwell wants to fuck the demon Barbas raw while his younger sister, Amy Halliwell, is holding Barbas down for him because it will save the world, your club may have gone too far.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Rose Mc-Fucking-Gowan! How could I forget?

Rose McGowan is also used as a gothy Mary Sue. In fact, here's an example from a Buffy rpg I'm considering joining for the purposes of this blog. Here's her bio form:

Full Name: Morrighan Delaney Murphy (Morrigan? She's screaming out to us with her cigarettey breath.)
Your Side: Evil
Age: 25
Birth Parents: Sean Matthew Murphy and Sara Emily Delaney Murphy
(I don't get why this part is necessary.)
Location of Residence: Sunnydale, CA via Boston, MA
Brief description: Height: 5’7 Weight: 120 (curves in all the right places)
(She's got boobs and she's not afraid to use them!)
Hair: Dark Auburn, Hints of Red, Black Cherry AlmostEyes: Brown
Brief History:
(Not brief at all because she's a Mary Sue and she needs an abusive history!) I was born on December 21, 1981 (which just happened to be the winter solstice), in Boston, MA.
There is a long history of Celtic Witches in my family, however my parents weren’t practicing as far as I ever new.
My parents died in a car crash when I was young and I was brought up by my Aunt Bridget on my father’s side.My Aunt Bridget was a witch and taught me what she knew. I lived with my Aunt until she was killed under mysterious and magickal circumstances when I was fifteen. (I'd blame Shannon Dougherty myself. If you want a source of evil, I'd go there.) My Aunt being the last of my family, so I was placed into the foster care system, not a happy place to be.

On turning eighteen and graduating high school they unceremoniously cast you out upon the world.

Not that I’m bitter or anything. (Highlighted for sarcasm! She's a Mary Sue unleashed out into an uncaring world. No wonder she turned to evil and not to a job at the Doublemeat Palace. I'm feeling it!)

After my release I continued my research and training in witchcraft and delved into the dark arts. Determined to be prepared for whatever was to come. I also worked my way through college getting my degree in Medieval and Renaissance Studies as well as Ancient Philosophy. I had always done well in school and it was easy for me to get a full scholarship to Harvard, especially with a little help from the mystical world. (She is, therefore, more special and more prepared than the legions of other Mary Sue's hanging out in Sunnydale. I'm just curious how she worked her way through Harvard anyway. It wasn't a job with a uniform, that's for sure. It was probably hooking. That would be bad ass and that would make her even more troubled.)

I did work hard though and the education was well worth the effort. It also put me in touch with many others who were interested in the mystical and the magickal and especially practicing the dark arts. My skills in this area grew immensely during this time. Believe me when I say, I will be a very formidable opponent. (Believe it because when she says she's gonna fight, she means she gonna gonna tell the good guys to death how she could have been like them but she chose evil instead and she's just misunderstood by society so give her a break, damn it! She doesn't have to cast a spell or land a punch when she has noble gothitude on her side.)

Some interesting tidbits about me that I learned in my research. The meanings of my names: Irish Goddess of Death and War also The Great Queen and The Dark Challenger.
Maybe a hint of things to come?
(Oh dear. If only one foster mother had read her a bedtime story back in her youth, this all could have been different. But no, world, we unleashed this evil onto ourselves. The blood this Great, Dark, Challenging Mary Sue of Death and War spilled is on our hands. Excuse me while I weep for humanity.)

Bio forms or character sheets are a Mary Sue's bible. This Suethor stuck to the character sheet provided by the club but if someone enters a club and has their own bio (probably from another club) this is a bad sign. A Suethor with a prepared form has been passionately playing that character for maybe a week and they will quickly burn themselves out.

I met one in a different Buffy club who had a character that looked like Vin Diesel. This Gary Stu had the usual horrible childhood but excelled in some secret army program even though he's now on the run for saving a child he was supposed to kill. The bio form he had allowed him to elaborate on the weapons he carried on himself and in his car (each under a separate heading). He had a car that even the mod referred to as a "supped up penis car" and there was a heading created for all the modifications to this vehicle.

"Vin Stu" arrived at the Bronze and shot up some vampires that made the mistake of coming out of hiding in front of his characters only. Once the Bronze was conflict free, he just into his phallic car and joined the crowd at the cemetery to blow apart vampires with his shoulder missile launcher or whatever. Once that conflict was over, he disappeared from the club forever. There might have been a message to Buffy about why she never thought of using weapons of mass destruction but Vin Stu made his point. Not with words but with 100% RAW THROBBING MANHOOD!!!!!!!!
In conclusion, Mary Sue and Gary Stu needs you to have read their bios in order to get what they want. They expect you've read up on their tragedies and will give them the full attention they need because they believe they are more special than every other Mary Sue currently trying to elbow their way into the spotlight. I do advise that while role playing, you should read the bio of who you're dealing with but you could substitute one Mary Sue's bio for another Mary Sue's bio. Don't worry. Throughout this blog I'll be showing you that!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Mary Sues. They Suck. Here's why.

A Mary Sue is an rpg term for a character created to be perfect in every way. She's a lovely Pollyanna for which a Godly light shines down from the Heavens onto her brow. She exhales joy, love and laughter and craps gold and flowers. To be foul with her in anyway is damnation.

How do you spot her?

  • She usually looks like Nicole Kidman, Sarah Michelle Gellar or Mary Kate Olsen because she's intended to be drop dead gorgeous. (I left out Ashley Olsen because she might come across as a ho compared to Mary Kate.) I've encountered all sorts of faces to suit the Mary Sue persona but these ladies are the most common. Ever since Moulin Rouge, Buffy and whatever the Hell the Olsen twins have ever done, you can't escape these gals. It's an upsetting trend. The only time I ever engaged a character like this was to have fun with her. Or is it at her. She looked like Nicole Kidman but she was supposed to be a 5th year (10th grader) in a Harry Potter rpg. WTF? A 40 year old 5th year?

  • She's incredibly smart because she's top in her dark arts class or she's studied all kinds of martial arts so she can one day avenge the brutal murder of her parents at the hands of savage vampires. Mary Sue either has an amazing knack for things that could be considered just out of bounds within an established rpg world or she's gone through a horrible trauma that has given her insight beyond her years. The first incarnation may have the same horrible childhood as the second but both Mary Sues expect other characters to look up to them. In one highschool based rpg I watched one chick's Mary Sue move from role player to role player because she was desperately looking for one to tell her how awesome she was. She wasn't getting the results she wanted so she chewed us all out in a long, hateful, boring ooc (out of character) post. When it was pointed out that she was very over dramatic and she was taxing the energy of fellow players and interacting with her was a nightmare, she called us all fucking bastards and left. Now that was awesome!

  • When you are playing a bad guy trying to menace a Mary Sue at The Bronze, she's already read your post about secretly wanting to menace her so she knows and her katana is drawn your bad guy's throut before he can ask to buy her a drink. They are already aware of your inner monologue which is annoying because you can't get into any conflict with them. Conflict is the backbone of all stories but Mary Sues won't have it. They end all build ups and won't even entertain the idea of getting into a situation that might mess their hair. You see, Mary Sue's are extensions of their authors. The author wants the Mary Sue to be everything she isn't. She couldn't possibly make a mistake and accept a drink from a possible vampire because Mary Sue wouldn't be so stupid. How dare you try to be a bad guy in Mary Sue's world! Expecting her to make a small error in judgment is an insult to the author herself. At least her tingling Mary Sue senses made you aware that she's not going to play fair or at all, really. Watch how long she sits there at the bar before writing a long, whiny ooc post and leaves.

  • Some Mary Sues are bitches. She maintains that she has a right to be moody and rude to all characters because she's just misunderstood. She might look like Avril Lavigne in these cases. She claims to hate all the perfect characters but in reality, her bitchitude is absolute. She demands to rule over the entire rpg by insulting every participant under the guise that she's noble in her gothy alternativeness. Actually, the 5th year Nicole Kidman was one of those. SHOCKER!!!!!!

  • She's given some totally awesome name that sets her apart. She's no Anne, Sherry, Rachel or even Mary Sue. She's a Raven, a Cadence, a M'Kenzi or a Chase (yes, Chase is female). She has some name that is bigger than life itself! She wants you to notice her and her name screams out in Mary Sue panic to look at her!!!! LOOK AT HER NOW!!!!!! See how special she is????? You can't see that? What's wrong with you? Get ready for a long post about how you're not giving Raven-Cadence McM'KenziChase a chance to let you worship her.

I could keep listing things to use to identify one but I think over the course of this blog, it should become apperent. Real life examples are astounding and can be found all over. All genders as well.

I've only mentioned female Mary Sues but my absolute favorite example was a Mary Sue male equivalent. A "Gary Stu." He called himself "Blaize Angel" in a Harry Potter rpg. He had almost the same background as Harry Potter except for some small details that made him better, faster, stronger and more troubled. No one paid much attention to him because he started his character off with several "intro posts" that didn't need to be responded to. We were supposed to take notice of his awesomeness. In one post he was just flying around on his broomstick and he had some bottle in his hand that he was innocently holding. Innocent, until he dropped it. It fell at an amazing speed! He zoomed down and caught it before it hit the ground. Wow! We were all supposed to say, "Hey! That Blaize Angel kid is cool! Let's sign him right up for the quidditch team!"

Nobody really paid attention to him which seemed fine for him as he soon created himself a Draco Malfoy named Magister Mactbili or whatever. Pretty soon Blaize and Magister were having their own epic battles. The rest of us ignored him as he played with himself all over the board and eventually burned himself out.

Mary Sues cock up rpgs and they are all spewing teenage angst and why do I keep going back? Who knows. At least it seems most rpg owners are getting wise to this and trying to cut back on it.

We shall see. Oh yes, we shall see.