Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What's Black & White and Gary Stu All Over?

I've tried. I really have. I've done everything short of actually joining a furry rpg and attempting to play. I've read through tons of furry rpgs and sat in judgment about why they like this sort of thing and I still come back confused by it. This bio is no help in my understanding of how mystical and magical it may be to associate oneself with an animal. I still find it all very silly.

Name: Issaeor Eschill (Ess-shill) (How do you say his first name? I see it as Eye Sore)
Age: 25
Species: Emperor Penguin (LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!! Furries are so weird.)

Height: 5'5"
Weight: 145 lbs
Fur or skin description: Black head and back with furlike feathers. He has an elongated face and the standard bird beak-like mouth (Which moves to speak with lips, etc.) (Penguins don't have lips. They really don't. Beaks are lipless. Have I mentioned furries are weird?) He had a white chest and, unlike most of his kind, he is thin and fit. (Yeah. Those other chubby penguins who use their fat to stay warm are losers.) He had yellow feathers behind his eyes leading to his chin. His feathery hair is only a bit of a puff off of the top of his head, which he keeps well-groomed. His finlike arms are kept shiny and clean. He limps on his left leg. (Snowboarding accident?)

Eye color(s): Yellow (With little, yellow flecks in them.)
Nationality: Junswu (Born Arciti) (Terrible neighborhood, as I understand it. Lots of penguin drugs and penguin crimes.)

Personality: Issaeor is optimistic and friendly, although he is a bit shy. It takes him a while to get used to people, but if something strikes his curiosity or interest, he becomes more open (Which isn't difficult.) (All you really need are a few shiny pebbles.) He is aware of how awkward he acts and looks and often uses it to break awkward moments with humor. (Eye Sore: "If I even look at another krill, the weight will go straight to my hips.")

History: Issaeor's father abandoned him after his mother was killed by a Seal, (A VAMPIRE SEAL!) for he had no way to feed his son or himself without Issaeor's mother. (She sure did bring home the krill.) He lived alone, scrummaging for what he could eat and use to survive for a year, eventually breaking his leg. (In a really, terrible snowboarding accident!) He was adopted by a pair that had lost their chick to the cold, and was raised by them, growing stronger. When he finally reached adolescence and was to live on his won, however, his adoptive father brought him to a Husky trading port, where a Tiger named Khable made him his apprentice. (An apprentice what? Seriously, before you read further, consider what is happening here. A tiger is training a penguin to be an apprentice. What sort of job could this possibly be? Just guess.) Issaeor learned to become a Magi and grew up in Junswu. (A Magi??? Of course? I bet your answer seems silly now, doesn't it?) Now, in order to join his mentor's Order, he has to travel for ten years and see the world, which he intends to do.

Occupation: Magi-for-hire (I was guessing that the tiger was going to teach him to taste good but what do I know?)
Class: Magi (Or else I was imagining the tiger teaching the penguin how to bring down an antelope or something. I will just never understand furries.)

Powers: As he was taught by Junswu Magi, his spells tend to deal in extremes. His magic is very potent, but also requires a great deal of energy. His emotions and personality usually deals in healing, traps, and boosting abilities. (Huh? What sort of magic does he do? I'm reading this as: He has great powers. Wondrous powers. Amazingly, cool powers. And on the side he heals, traps and boosts abilities because that's where his personality and emotions lie or excel or whatever. I don't know. I think he just gave himself free license to Gary Stu without telling us how he plans on doing it. He'll just pull random magic out of his little penguin ass.)

Weapons: Issaeor wields a scimitar and a pistol. (LOL! He carries weapons? Little, tiny weapons fitted to his little, tiny wings? Wait! If I find that even the little, tiniest bit cute, does that mean I like furries now? Damn it!)

Skills: Junswu Magi powers; (Which are..... what?) proficient with Scimitar and similar swords; proficient with pistol (Just picture it! His little, tiny, feathery wings wrapped around around a scimitar or squeezing on the trigger of a pistol. It's sort of adorable. Lord help me.)


Freaklin Gout said...

Freaklin Gout: I'm starting on the next List Bitch post

Freaklin Gout: OMG... Emperor Penguin??????

Cadence: HAW!


Freaklin Gout: A tiger is training him to be an apprentice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

Freaklin Gout dies

Freaklin Gout: At what point does this tiger start fucking the penguin up the ass?

Cadence: Does that happen in the wild?

Freaklin Gout: The wilds of the internet, yes.

Cadence: This bio was too hard to pass up.

Freaklin Gout: Seriously

Freaklin Gout: "His magic is very potent, but also requires a great deal of energy. His emotions and personality usually deals in healing, traps, and boosting abilities." Translation: His magic will get him out of sickness, being made to do something he doesn't want, and general all-around oppression of his awesomeness. Also, he will use those powers on you to make him look even more awesome.

Cadence: Exactly.

Freaklin Gout: How does a penguin carry a pistol and a scitmar???????????????????????

Freaklin Gout: That is fucking insane!

Cadence: Carefully?

Freaklin Gout: LOL!

Cadence: It's such a silly profile. All the way around. Furries are weird.

Freaklin Gout: They really are

Cadence: A magical penguin with a pistol and scimitar with dead parents. I couldn't believe it. I had to read it a few times to believe someone wrote that.

Freaklin Gout: And a tiger master

Cadence: Going off to see the world.

Freaklin Gout: Also thin and fit

Cadence: Where is Bob? He could explain how penguins carry scimitars and fire pistols.

Freaklin Gout: He's furry-phobic.

Bob Guyenis from x.x.x.163 joined the chat 27 minutes ago

Freaklin Gout: Haw!

Bob Guyenis: Hi

Bob Guyenis: The answer is velcro.

Cadence: HI!!!!!!!

Cadence: You're so awesome!

Bob Guyenis: Uh, thanks.

Freaklin Gout: Maybe you could explain, then, how a tiger trains a penguin in magic?

Bob Guyenis: Maybe I could.

Cadence: Do it!

Bob Guyenis: Welp, good bye! /me walks away

Cadence: NO!!!!!

Cadence: Stop, drop and explain!

Bob Guyenis: Uh, they have a sophisticated language based on growls and whatever noises a penguin makes.

Cadence: Okay..... keep going.

Bob Guyenis: There's more?

Cadence: Must be.

Bob Guyenis: I quit.

Cadence: Why?

Bob Guyenis: Even I can't explain everything.

Freaklin Gout: Good effort, though

Cadence: So it will forever be a mystery of the universe?

Bob Guyenis: Maybe in a hundred years science will be able to answer such questions, but it'll remain a mystery to us.

Freaklin Gout: Until we get to heaven, yep.

Freaklin Gout: Although, I have to admit that I'm skeptical that either God or science would ever be able to answer these questions fully. I mean, we are talking about furries here.

Cadence: Penguins with lips. Weird.

PM said...

God's official answer on any furry-related question*: "Furries are weird."

*Probably! I'm just guessing. I don't know what God thinks about furries, but I'm willing to bet He omnipotently and omnisciently thinks they're friggin' weird. :oD