I have a character in the rp whom I completely adore named Stuart. He looks like Colin Meloy and he's a werewolf and he's just awesome. Here he is!
Yeah. He's super sexy, isn't he? He's also dumb as a rock, because he went and got irreversibly linked to one of the hugest Mary Sues in the rp: AINNE. You can blame me for my inexperience. Had I known what a goddamn anchor Ainne was going to be, I never would have hooked up with her. Let's run down her stats, shall we?
Name: Ainne Rolland
Race: Fairy Princess BUT SHHHHH IT'S A SECRET!
History: Ainne was born to the most powerful tribe of Celtic faeries in Ireland, of which her parents were king and queen. Sadly, other faerie tribes were jealous of her parents' power and so had them killed. At the tender age of one or two (she flip flops back and forth between the two ages -- sometimes even claiming to have been an infant), she is the only surviving member of her family! A loyal family servant smuggled her away before she could be killed and placed her on the doorstep of the Rollands, a human family in Gallway. The Rollands, who were not told Ainne's real identity, raised her and sent her to Tobey Mills. They told her that she would find someone there who would help her discover her past and who she really is!!!!! Currently she is on a quest to discover her past, but in spite of an amazing amount of clues which essentially say YOU'RE A FAIRY PRINCESS, DUMMY, she remains willfully obtuse. Ainne's family has recently written her a letter telling her that since she decided to discover her past, they want nothing to do with her any more. She's been cut off (even though they were the ones who sent her to Tobey Mills to find someone who could help her -- they probably couldn't take another day with a Mary Sue)!!!!
Physical Attributes: 5'9", athletic build (with abs to die for), largish boobs, floor-length auburn hair, emerald green eyes. Currently she is wearing a fairy costume for Halloween -- which, I must assure you, is completely coincidental!!!! She truly has no clue that she is a fairy princess!!!!! For reals!
Trinkets: In addition to her fairy princess costume, she's got a mood cross. Yeah, you heard me right. A mood cross. It was the only thing she had with her when she was dropped on the Rolland's doorstep and changes color depending upon her mood. Stop looking at me like that. I know how stupid it sounds. I really have no idea how it changes color, and to tell you the truth, I don't think she knows, either. She's never really described it. She just said she has a cross that changes color with her mood, but gave no details as to colors or whether it's metal and the metal changes or if there are stones in it and the stones change.... apparently it's so complicated that she's taxed herself just trying to think about it. There's more on the back of the cross, but you'll just have to keep reading to find out what. Aren't you on the edge of your seat now!
Here's an artist's rendering of Ainne. Be sure to check out her slammin' abs! (This was made by our friend who we'll call "Fountine" who is also a member of the rpg.)
Ainne has been leading my Stuart around by his nose with all of her Mary Sue-ness. She is completely unimaginative and confusing, to the poin where I've pretty much lost interest in playing Stuart at all. I'm seriously considering putting Stuart into semi-retirement -- just until Ainne's writer gives up and leaves the rp. [Fountine], [threJack and coke combos (This would be me, Cadence)] and I have been talking smack about Ainne in the chat room, and most of it is just too good not to save, so I'm posting it here.
Freaklin Gout: There. Stuart reply complete.
Freaklin Gout: You know what....
Freaklin Gout: Damn. Never mind. Stupid Ainne.
Freaklin Gout: Do you think maybe Claude would know a spell to conjure up a snake?
threJack and coke combos: huh?
threJack and coke combos: Oh, sure! He can.
Freaklin Gout: But then that would mean having to rp with Ainne again.
Freaklin Gout: Stuart's at the library and Claude's at the library. If they can run into each other eventually and Claude could possibly threaten Stuart with a snake... maybe?
Freaklin Gout: But if you don't want to get stuck with my Mary Sue again then never mind.
threJack and coke combos: I'll do it. I don't mind.
Freaklin Gout: Okay, thanks! Just ignore her. She's going to do something stupid anyway. Just rp with Stuart.
threJack and coke combos: Okay.
Freaklin Gout: No time soon, though. Whenever we get around to it.
Fountine: If there are magic books in the library Ainne could open the wrong one and a bajillion snakes could jump out and eat her eyes.
Freaklin Gout: What, her emerald green eyes?! Noooooooo!!!!!
Freaklin Gout: Don't even think about snakes getting in her floor length auburn hair!!!
Freaklin Gout: She's got an athletic build, you know! She could wrestle any snake to the ground!
Fountine: That's why they went for the eyes. If they went for her body they'd just bounce off her abs.
Freaklin Gout: Haw!
Freaklin Gout: God, she's such an idiot.
Fountine: They wouldn't be able to get through her hair anyway. They'd get poked on her Jesus crown.
Freaklin Gout: Maybe they'd run away from her mood cross.
Fountine: She has a mood cross?
Freaklin Gout: Yes. You didn't know that? She's got a cross that changes color according to her moods.
Freaklin Gout: If it were possible for her to get any lamer in your eyes, I'm sure that just happened.
Freaklin Gout: And it's got a wolf and a fairy inscribed on the back. And Stuart's initials. And hers, even though she doesn't know who she is yet.
Freaklin Gout: And I've had to go along with all this stupid bullshit.
Fountine: Wow. That is retarded.
Freaklin Gout: Beyond retarded. Practically brain-dead.
Fountine: Not so much that she wears a fancy cool necklace, but the mood thing is dumb.
Freaklin Gout: Yep.
Fountine: When did she have time to get Stuart's initials on there?
Freaklin Gout: Oh wow, you'll be amazed by this! They inscribed themselves!
Freaklin Gout: His initials suddenly just appeared!
threJack and coke combos: Wow.
Freaklin Gout: I can't wait for Philippe to show up and make fun of Stuart for getting such a lame wife.
Fountine: Holy shit!
Fountine: That's a fancy cross! I bet she's a fairy princess or something!
Freaklin Gout: WOW! I didn't even think of that!
Freaklin Gout: I wonder if she knows that!
Freaklin Gout: She's been trying to figure out all this time exactly who she is! I should tell her what you said!
Fountine: It would make sense because there's a fairy and a doggy on the back of her cross and she just married a wharwilf!
Freaklin Gout: For reals. I mean, how stupid do you have to be? There's a wolf on the back of your cross with Stuart's initials next to it. There's also a fairy with your initials.
Freaklin Gout: It's like the cross is saying, "YOU'RE A FAIRY, DUMMY."
Fountine: Stuart: I am not, you stupid cross, I'm a ______damn warewoof!
threJack and coke combos: I bet the library has a skin book about lame fairy princesses and the families who ditch them.
Freaklin Gout: Oh! I hope it does! I'll have Stuart find it!
Freaklin Gout: Well, you might think her family ditched her, but she's been trying to put an exciting spin on that! She's now saying it looked like their handwriting, but it might not be....
Fountine: She's even wearing wings with her costume and yet she never had any kind of a clue this may be the case?
Freaklin Gout: Yep. She's all dressed up as a fairy... AND IT'S COMPLETELY BY COINCIDENCE!
Freaklin Gout: You know, I blame myself. I really should have seen this. It just seemed so stupid right from the get-go.
Freaklin Gout: But she made this one post that really reeled me in, and she had Ainne do something before she knew Stuart was a werewolf that I found completely adorable. So I bit.
Fountine: You know, if I'd been abandoned as a child or whatever and didn't know a darn thing about my past and was desperate to find out who my parents were, you know where I wouldn't expect to find that information? The local library.
Fountine: And Ainne has no idea she's a fairy princess. Really.
Freaklin Gout: God, I hope she has a library card. Otherwise, she's shit out of luck!
Fountine: Hmm... Where might I, an ordinary human girl, be able to find out more about my mysterious birth? Hmmmmmmm... Oh! I know! The European History section of the library! They have to have updated the history books to include my birth by now, right?
Freaklin Gout: Oh, I'll bet they do! And there's going to be a book that talks all about your secret faerie society of which you were the princess, too!
Fountine: I bet it'll have a picture of me!
Freaklin Gout: Oh wow!!!! That's going to be her secret twist!!!!!!
Fountine: How awesome would it be for her to open up the book and find the MSPaint I did of her?
Freaklin Gout: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Freaklin Gout: Don't you tempt me to go all mod and put that picture in her photo folder.
Fountine: I wonder how long it would be before she noticed it in there.
Freaklin Gout: I should put it in Stuart's folder. Ten to one says she's never even looked at his pictures.
Fountine: Label it "Mah wife"
Freaklin Gout: Oh, I'm tempted. I really am.
Freaklin Gout: Her secret twists are so stupid, too. Here's an example. When Stuart was giving her a talking to and getting ready to spank her, he told her "Get over here" and poined at the floor next to him.
Freaklin Gout: So she replied and then IMs me with a tag and says (on the IM) "Tag with a surprise". I totally roll my eyes because her surprises are completely lame.
Freaklin Gout: What was her surprise? Instead of walking over and standing next to Stuart like any normal person, she crawled over to him.
Freaklin Gout: I was like, Oh wow!!! What a shocker!
Fountine: A real surprise would have been her saying, "STFU, Bitch!" and then putting Stuart over her knee.
Freaklin Gout: LOL!!
Freaklin Gout: That, I would have loved.
Freaklin Gout: I mean, say you're in that situation (not that I know anything about your sex life or lack thereof). When your husband, who is about to beat the shit out of you, tells you to stand next to him, do you crawl? What person would ever do that?
Fountine: It's not something I would personally get off on. I'd be mentally trying to remember the name of the local divorce lawyer. That would also have been a delightful twist for Ainne to employ there.
Freaklin Gout: She really could have done so much more with the character. And I wouldn't have come up with the dom/sub scenario either. That was all her.
Freaklin Gout: I got so annoyed with her this morning for pouting that I had Stuart bitch at her about it.
Fountine: I saw that. I said, "Heh heh"
Fountine: She's really acting like a little girl.
Fountine: She's making Stuart into her dad and not her husband. Which makes the sexy stuff a little squicky.
Freaklin Gout: Yep.
Freaklin Gout: This is really about as far as I go, though, because it's giving me the skeeves, too. And it's making Stuart look like a real dick.
Freaklin Gout: I will, however, consider tying her up and leaving her someplace to think about her actions.
Freaklin Gout: Stuart: /me calls up Fern and asks if she's busy tonight.
Fountine: Fern: /me tells Jackie that she just had a vision that the skeleton went THAT-A-WAY! and then runs the other way.
Freaklin Gout: Hee! Come on, Fern, you know you want the werewolf lovin'.
Freaklin Gout: If Philippe takes off I'm considering retiring Stuart temporarily.
Fountine: Poor Fern. She was just trying to get away from Jackie for a few minutes and you misread her signals.
Fountine: Stuart: I have to take off for a while because I'm a werwolf. Arroo Arrroo Arrooo.
Freaklin Gout: No such luck. Ainne now wants to go with him when he's a werewolf. She tagged along last time and totally cramped his style.
Fountine: Stuart: Sometimes when I'm a wharwilf I go to crazy town and totally can't controll myself. So go ahead and come with me... IF YOU WANT TO GET TORN TO MYSTERIOUS FAIRY PRINCESS SHREADS. (o god please come with me...)
Freaklin Gout: LOL!
Freaklin Gout: I'd probably just have him leave town. Or one of you guys could have one of your characters put him in a catatonic spell.
Freaklin Gout: And then he'd just lie low until she got bored and left.
Fountine: I could see Graham doing that.
Fountine: Hee! He'll be lying there with his tongue hanging out and Ainne would get to write all these Mary Sue replies about how she wants to save him and then all you'd have to do is occasionally post:
Fountine: Stuart: ...
Freaklin Gout: God, that is too perfect.
Freaklin Gout: SOLD
Fountine: We could think of some pretext for Graham and Amber to cross Stuart and Ainne's paths and for whatever reason they get in a tiff and Graham goes all warlock on Stuart.
Freaklin Gout: I love Colin Meloy too much to kill Stuart off, but I could retire him for a while.
Fountine: Where the hell is [Cadence]. She needs to be here when we plan things.
Freaklin Gout: She said she'd be here at 3. Which is in like six minutes.
Freaklin Gout: Sure. Graham would be a good one to kick Stuart's ass. Plus, if he had *Amber* helping him beat up on Stuart, that would be a delicious twist of the knife.
Fountine: And I've been hoping Graham and Amber would go adventuring together for a while now.
Fountine: Amber isn't officially evil, though. She's, at worst, undeclared morally. So whatever reason Graham used to take out Stuart, if Amber joined in it would have to be for reasons other than being an evil bitch. Like self-protection or she thought he was going to eat some children or something. I don't know.
Freaklin Gout: There we go. Now they have an adventure.
So there's the story of my poor friend's suffering. Let this be a lesson to all who think they can deal rationally with a Mary Sue. Freaklin Gout wants to kill her most beloved character just to get him out of the clingy grip of a needy, whiny, angsty Mary Sue. We have tried everything we can think of to extricate him but nothing has worked so death is the answer. R.I.P. Stuart. We'll miss you.
Don't let this happen to you!