Thursday, March 13, 2008

Saddle Sues

I find that sometimes if your rpg has a dumb premise, dumb things happen and your rpg suffers a dumb and painful death. For example, a My Little Pony rpg is a dumb idea. Never start one. How can they not help but be weird? Maybe I'm not seeing the big Pony picture but really, I don't think I'm off the mark by not seeing how this sort of rpg can be fun unless you are on crack. maybe they are...
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Here is one My Little Pony rpg that morphed into idiocy as seen through the eyes of a Pony Stu author. The author of this character helped make this little corner of the rpg spectrum a little dimmer.
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Here is her Pony Stu:
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For this game I want to play Quantum. Quantum is Galaxy's older brother. He was kidnapped as a baby to train and be part of the WHollyKow Kingdom's evil army. He broke out when he found out about his past and went to Dream Valley.
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Hee! On this note I'd like to welcome the Holeee Cow Kingdom to my blog!
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Stats:
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Quantum

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Body: Dark Blue
Hair: multi shades of blue and white

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powers: Smae as Galaxy's excpet for the fortune-telling thing and jsut a bit stronger
personality: He's a sucker for a pretty face and is a constant flirt. He's not shy, so he isn't afraid to tell you what he is thinking at the time no matter what it is. Very protective over his sister. HE used to live in Peace Valley, but he's a drifter and doesn't stay in one place too long.

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Let's play!!!

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I have no idea how well he knows his sister because their relationship doesn't work in a nice chronological order. Did he meet her after escaping? Has he spent much time with her? Does his mysterious drifting make him more of a Pony Stoic? Who knows? Who cares. He's a sexy male pony with a tragic past so just hang on tightly to the reins and let's continue down this bumpy trail.
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Here is a picture of Quantum made by the Suethor. Can you tell?:
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Now this surprizes me. Usually being a My Little Pony is all about the 'Rump Design.' I should know. I used to be an avid My Little Pony collector. My ponies were the envy of all the little girls in my second grade class. But then I grew up and grew out of ponies. That, and I also didn't like the direction My Little Ponies were going in. Those ponies with the plastic gems for eyes were DAMN CREEPY! I got two for Christmas and I never played with them. I never even put them on the shelf where they could LOOK INTO MY SOUL with their evil, expressionless sparkly eyes.
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Anyway, ZUM RPG!
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Here is Quantum's first post in the role playing game:
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Quantum looks out on this brisk almost-spring day and suddenly just doesn't feel like standing still. He rubs his horn on the ground to scratch the itchies.
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If he weren't a unicorn, that would sound dirty... wait... still sounds dirty.

Quantum's player quickly links up with twin ponies and she immediately sets them up on a quest. At this poin in the rpg this player is new and full of wonderful Pony Stu joy. She is probably full of ideas about how to squeeze every bit of fun there can be pretending you're a pony in a world that doesn't exist:
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Quantum looked up at the ponies. They were obviously twins, which was a bit amusing. "Hey, I'm Quantum, Galaxy's brother. I know you are thinking 'I didn't know Galaxy had a brother'. I've been getting that a lot lately. Anyway, have you seen her? I got this note in Peace Valley, where I live."
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He holds out a note. It reads:
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Quantum,
Big brother, it's urgent. I have to speak with you. Going thru our family's records I have discovered something horrible that hasbeen held secret from us for years. I can't tell you it in this note. Please meet me at the creek between Dream Valley and Peace Valley a noon tomorrow.
Galaxy
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"I've been waiting hours and she's not here. I have this horrible feeling that something has happened to her."
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So... ponies can take out sheets of paper, write on that paper with little pens and then carefully unfold that paper later to read the letters and show their pony friends. Are we sure about this?
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"It's her handwriting, that's for sure." He answered.
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Okay. HANDWRITING? Why not. We have family records about deep secrets. Why not handwriting?
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Here's a picture of Galaxy who is played by the same author:
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Now look at that rump. THAT is what I'm talking about!
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Let's get to the family secret:
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A green twinkle eyed pony with strands of hair in different shades of green stood on a hill watching the three leave."Galaxy was never supposed to find out about me." The pony said aloud to herself. "I was the sister everyone was ashamed of. I was thedisgrace of the family, and Quantum was too young to even remember me. I got to Galaxy. I can get to you too, littlebrother..." She winked out into the forest.
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Wow. A sister Pony named Emerald. And what do you think she's like?
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Emerald dropped her crystal ball on the ground and it smashed into several pieces. "Oh no. Now I can't keep my eye on them anymore. This sux more and more all the time." She sat down to think. "Why did I do this in the first place?" Then her eyes narrowed. "I know why. THEIR mother. She ruined my life and got me licked out of Dream Valley."
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Hee! Licked out of Dream Valley!
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She retrieved a book from out of nowhere.It was the book she acquired that helped her build the crystal ball. It was abook of magic. "An invisible spell. Great. I can follow them and they won't even know it." Making herself invisible she thought *As long as I don't talk they won't know where I am. Galaxy has a sixth sense so I can't follow her..although Griffin is with her...who are those other ponies? I'll follow Quantum's group. Hee hee hee*
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The long and short of it is that all the members of the club got involved with Galaxy, Quantum and Emerald's family issues and eventually ran Emerald out of whatever Pony valley they were in. She left the story with her tail between her legs and once Galaxy, Quantum and the other ponies were victorious, the author's interest in the club started to go. Sure, she followed along with other stories about other ponies that were not her getting stuck in a canyon during a rainstorm. More ponies joined the rpg with named like Shadow, Nightmare, Warlock, Soul Killer and Bleeding Heart. Yes, emo ponies with good hearts who are misunderstood.
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At post 505 I suppose that this author got tired of not being the center of attention and pulled this nonsense:
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This is gonna shock you all some hee hee
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Quatnum hung his head and snickered. Then he looked up and said, "Come on, guys. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the evil menace?" Waits as all ponies look at him in disbelief. "I mean, I'm the only one here who has felt really good the whole time. I never got my magic drained and I totally didn't care what happened to anyone. You all are so trustingand stupid." Then Quantum raises up on his hind legs to expose a zipper down his chest. The zipper unzips and a huge demon-like monster comes out. "It's too easy to fool you all. Way too easy. Quantum was never ehre with you guys. He hasn't been here the whole time."
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The demon thing laughed. "I love it. You are all so shocked. This performance will win me an Oscar." He breathed fire and the flames mgically turned into a pointed staff. "Now, who will be the first to die."
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Umm... so the demon is defeated and it turns out Quantum was okay and they all met up with him to fight some other ponies who were trying to harvest these good ponies for lab research.
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So, where does one go after thwarting a VERY short-lived story about a lab research ring? Naturally, and how could you be so silly not to come to this conclusion quickly, a rainbow vortex picks you up and plunks you down someplace completely foreign:
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Galaxy steps off the rainbow and hears a loud honking noise. A human in a big metal machine swerves past her and waves his arms out the opening of the machine screamng, "GEt out of the road you freak!" Quantum looked at a small human female who tugged on her mommy's dress. Teh little girl asked, "Mommy, why is that pony blue?" The mother looked at Quantum then andscreamed, ushering her daughter away. Galaxy looked at the other ponies. "Where are we? I dont' think we are safe here."
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So where are they? I shit you not:
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This was, sadly, one of this authors last contributions to this rpg. The rpg spends several whimpering posts as the ponies explores the cities and suburbs around modern day Michigan.
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Two players did their best and the story drops off as one pony wanders into a 'dark place' and a gun shot is heard.
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At post 762 this rpg fizzles out into spammers from to sell creams to increase your cock size.
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I truly hope I've passed an important lesson on to you. Never start a lame rpg. They get ridiculous fairly quickly and you have no one to blame but yourself.
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And never buy ponies with plastic gem eyes.

2 comments:

Freaklin Gout said...

Wow. Just... wow. That thing was fucking insane. A My Little Pony rp is squicky to begin with, but the story lines they came up with were so inappropriate. Leave it to a girl writing as a Gary Stu to come up with a "tragic past" and "family drama". Hello, Ainne? Is that you?

My favorite part is being "licked out of Dream Valley" (and who doesn't enjoy that?), but I do have to say that I enjoyed the part where one pony wanders into a 'dark place' and a gun shot is heard. That's so sad, in a completely lame way.

PM said...

"Hee! Licked out of Dream Valley!" What more can I add to that? :o)