Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Mary Sue of the Caribbean!

Here's another inactive club called "Pirates of the Caribbean RPG." It only lasted 295 posts because attendance was droppping off, not enough people cared about Mary Sue and then our Mary Sue had a hissy about the second Pirates movie and left her own rpg behind.

Let's pick apart her short lived club and laugh at her silly Sueness.
In the description of the club we have a list of all the characters the owner expects you to worship. She plays Captain Jack Sparrow and two made ups named Katherine Draven the Dreaded and Aeris. Aeris is Katherine's best friend so each one is free to fuck someone else. Some other people play Elizabeth, Will and a made up named Rose but who gives a shit? This rpg isn't about them.

Let's meet our star!

Name: Katherine Draven (aka: Draven, Draven the Dreaded, or Kitty by her first-mate, Aeris)
Age: 20
Eye color: Blue
Hair color: Dark brown, almost black

Yep. This is her. She's a precious moments figurine with big boobs. Also, I'll let you decide if that's a chastity belt or a codpiece.

Personality: Funny, but a little odd. Very friendly, for a pirate. But don't get on her bad side. She's known by enemies as "Draven the Dreaded."

She's a funny, friendly dreaded pirate!

Job: She sails on her own ship, the Crow’s Feather, but currently can't recall where it is. lol.

This little contrivance gives us the background behind Kitty's Mary Sue drama. She needs to find her ship and her boytoy. I wonder how she will ever be able to to that.

She has lived a typical pirate life for the past five years until she lost most of her crew do to unknown circumstances, including her first-mate, who is lost because of unknown circumstances.

She doesn't really know a lot about anything, does she? Now remember how she doesn't remember losing them as you read this next bit.

The night her crew left, she had docked at some beach, but was too drunk to remember where. She passed out on the beach and in the morning, continued to drink, trying to get her hang-over to leave. Being as drunk as one can humanly get, she jumped aboard a random ship she thought was hers because a few of her former crew members had boarded. She was forced off with only a small life boat and sailed to the closest island: Tortuga.

Wait? She got incredibly shit-faced, passed out and got on the wrong ship but they left her? I wonder why they felt she wasn't a good leader. Does she suspect her drinking had something to do with it?

Let's move on to Aeris. I won't be showing all of his bio because it's the same yawn inducing Gary Stu stuff you'd expect. He's sexy, talented with his sword and wants his Mary Sue back immediately!

He was the only one to stand up for Kitty when her crew turned against her and left. He has temporarily taken over the role of Captain of the Feather and has even recruited a small crew willing to sail under him until they find Kitty, then sail under her when she resumes captaincy. He is currently searching for his best friend and captain.

A reason is never given as to why they left her behind or how Aeris was able to keep the ship, get a new crew or even how he let the bitch wander away in the middle of the night. These pitiful assholes deserve each other.

Oh... and?

Any other info ya wanna give: Unknown to all characters, but I’m telling all the members that Aeris and Kitty have a telepathic link. So when you see text in between ~these~ it’s them talking in telepathy.

Yeah. Uh huh? Walk the plank, you dipshits!

Oh wait... are we forgetting Captain Jack Sparrow? Last we left Kitty, she was wasted in Tortuga.

She looked over at a nearby table and recognized her old friend, Jack Sparrow. She got to her feet to wander over, but was instantly dizzy and fell back into her chair. Jack noticed the movement and also recognized Katherine. He manuevered around the fighting pirates that infested the Inn and sat next to his old friend. "Well well well. Drunk again, Kitty?" he said around a sip of ale. Before anyone knew what happened, Katherine had one of her throwing daggers out and pressed against Jack's neck. Even drunk out of her mind, Katherine's instincts and reflexes were as sharp and fast as ever. "I told you before, Sparrow. Only one man can call me Kitty, and you're not 'im." the two stared at each other a moment longer before wide grins burst out on each of their faces and laughs poured from their mouths. before long, the two were drunker than ever and reminiscing. Katherine explained what happened between her and her crew and how she was looking for her ship. "So, I'm trying to find Aeris. Have you seen him?" Katherine said. "No. Sorry, Kat. But i'll keep an eye out and i'll help you find your ship. Savvy?" Katherine nodded and the two sat for a while, enjoying their drinks and company...

Awww... This Sue is tough, takes no crap and wants to hump all over Jack. They are friends. Isn't that so Sue-y? And he wants to help her because he's just that sort of guy. I'm tingly after reading this. No really.

Well, okay. That flagrant misuse of the word 'Savvy' makes me want to kick a Mary Sue, any Mary Sue, in the head but otherwise, I'm fine. :o) <----- See? I'm smiling.

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