Mary Sueprano

Bada Blah
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Woke up this mornin; got myself a Sue. Aren't you lucky!
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Before I start, here's the skinny: I love Sopranos. After Buffy went off the air, I threw myself into Sopranos with the same amount of zeal. Naturally I was curious to see what a Sopranos rpg looked like. Any show that has fans will most likely have an rpg following. I have seen a few Sopranos rpgs over the years but none that were currently active when I looked them over. I can only theorize that it's because all the Gary Stus want to be the bestest most awesomest hitmen in Tony's crew and the Mary Sues end up like the one I'm about to show you. They are chicks who want to fit into the mob rather than as Bada Bing dancers.
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Check out this jamook, eh!
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Character Name: Mercy Conner
Age: 18
History: Mercy comes from a rich family, her grandfather was a business tycoon, everything he did ended up giving him a lot of rewards. He retired at an early age and settled down to have a family shortly after. Because he retired at the age of 45, he had only one son. His son grew up in a nice environment and ended up leaving home when he was 18. Picking up what his father did he to became successful all thanks to his father. When he was twenty he was married and when she was thirty they had Mercy, growing up Mercy had everything her heart wanted. She started to pick up the sword, wanting to know how to wield it properly, when she was sixteen. With a genius IQ she quickly graduated the school she was in.
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Oh fuck me. A sword will come in handy when fighting the mob and so will her giant brains.
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When she was in tenth grade her parents were in an a accident and were dead before anyone could get to them. Mercy still remembers it, it was a very nasty winter, her parents had been shot just out of the blue. After there death she inherited all there money and assets. She also started to live with her aunt and uncle whom she loves very much. The family came together more so after her parents death. With the money she got she has been spending it very slowly, When she was seventeen she wanted to try something new, she decided to stay in school because of her friends. But after she graduated, she went right to college, wanting to learn everything so she maybe one day will be able to do some great things.
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So... vampire mobsters from Brooklyn whacked her parents. It's a good thing she went to college and learned everything like English Literature and Jazz History. I don't see why she hasn't been made yet.
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But now that she is where she wants to be, she is back with her friend Tony Soprano and Silvio Dante. She is lucky to have them as friends, and even tho she is very young they treat her the way she has always wanted to be treated, she is content with being best friends, but there is something more, she can pick up emotions from people and she has her eyes on Sil. He has been wonderful to her, and she would help him when ever he needs it. And now she doesn't know what life will throw at her.

Lots of things here annoy me. First, when a Sue says her character can pick up emotions it means she'll God mode you by reading what your character thinks. She's just given herself full access to your character's inner monologue and she'll have her sword to your character's throat in a heartbeat if your character has any ill thoughts about Tony, Silvio or herself. Second, she's back with Tony and Silvio? When was she with them before? I haven't seen them mentioned in her history until now. Third, remember how I said I've seen this show? There is no way Tony and Silvio would ever treat an 18 year old girl, other than their own daughters, as anything but a puttana. In fact, at best Silvio would help her by handing her thong and telling her to get up on stage and shake her titties at the paying customers. Tony may buy her a sfogliatelle before fucking her brains out. They aren't going to be her bestest friends and eat cookie dough and talk about boys with her all night long.

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Appearance: Mary Sue inserted a picture here and it's not working so I have no idea what she looks like but you can bet your mother's eyes she ain't no schifosa!

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Attitude: She is a very kind hearted person when she wants to be, except she looks out for herself, she doesn't try to befriend people, but if something happens a friend does appear and she cares for them, like any good friend would, she would do anything to help that person, there is no one in her life, which is why she is a very evil witch, only caring for herself, but she has a loyal heart and she can be a good person if she wanted to be, but with her past, its almost impossible.

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She's a good friend but she's an evil witch. She cares for herself but she's loyal to the friends she may or may not have. I hate these waffling sues who try to justify being uncaring/tough with being loyal and friendly. All Mercy has in life is her sword... and her good friends, Tony and Silvio. TRAGEDY! Ah, Madonn'!

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Allies: Tony Soprano, Silvio Dante

Rivals: Tony And Sil's Rivals

Other: All She Has Are Her Best Friends, Tony And Sil

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Um... did you catch that she likes Tony and Silvio A LOT. She really needs you to know that Tony and Sil are her bestest buds and messing with them means getting this giant Mary Sue on your ass. If this owner of this rpg ever really wants to know why his rpg failed, I think it may have something to do with the fact that he allowed this Mary Sue and others like her to gain control because he didn't have the stugots to say no. Tony Soprano would have.

The Worst of All Worlds

So... Hannah Montana, huh? I hear she is famous and has fans. I've never seen the show and I don't think I really need to. I can still make fun of a Hannah Montana rpg.

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I find that in most rpgs based on this show, the young girls who role play create characters that fall into three different camps; those that just want to be bestest friends with Hannah Montana, those who have secrets just like her and those who are her bestest friends and have a secret like her.

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Here I bring you not one but three perps from the same Hannah Montana rpg that fall into the last camp. Are you ready for this triple Sue threat?

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Perp #1

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Name: Ayama Hawkeye
Age: 14
Interests: Anime, Hannah Montana, Drawing, Writing, Skateboarding, Snowboarding, swiming, Volleyball, hockey, basketball, baseball, soccer, singing, and she really likes things to do with the military.

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She's either well-rounded or has ADD. And she's Kawaii. Lovely! Fucking lovely.
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Personality: Normaly, Ayama is a shy girl. But when you make her mad, she takes awhile to calm down. She trusts her friends and will go far lenght to protect them. She loves her family. Since she small for her age, people tend to call her pipsqueak, shorty, etc, and that makes her mad. She will yell and spaz like a little dog until someone calms her down.

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Wow. ADD and schizophrenia. Perhaps rabies. Seriously? She acts like a dog? Is that supposed to be charming? I find that obnoxious.
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Appearance: Blonde hair that goes past her wasit (Which spends most of the time in a ponytail). Blue eyes and fair skin. She weres a white long sleeve shirt with a red tee shirt with a dragon on it and Japanesse words saying "love". Blue jeans with red at the bottom and white tennies.
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Haw! "Wasit." At least it's not "waste." I can't help but wonder how much of a bitch it probably is to hide all that fabulous hair under a wig.
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Bio: She moved to Malbui from Alaska just recently. She lives with her mother Amber, and her little 6 year old sister, Elyisa. Her mother told her that her and Elyisa that their father was killed in a car crash, but Ayama isnt so sure about that. She also as a secert, she is known as a hit popstar Trisha California. (Dont ask about the random name)XD

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I wonder what happened to her dad. I'm putting money on vampires eating him. I also wonder where she'll fit in all her wishy washy angst between gigs, her numerous hobbies, barking like a dog and doing her hair. Also, shouldn't she be Trisha Alaska?
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Friends: Lily, Oliver, Miley, Hannah Montana, and other people in the school that they dont talk about XD

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Friends with everyone. Because she's just that awesome. XD
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Anything else?: Um..I dont think so..

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I charge her with exhausting all avenues of Mary Sueness. She is good looking, friends with everyone, a singer, good at everything and she does and has serious mental issues. WHEEEE!!!
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Perp #2
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Name: Lana Williams/ Myra Edmins
Age: 14
Gender: Female
Apperance: Black hair down to the waist and a bit curly at the tips like Miley's and light blue eyes.

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More long hair. Those wigs must look really bumpy with all those perfect curls tucked up inside.
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Personality: Smart, outgoing, funny, friendly, nice, athletic, and more than just a girl she has a double life like Hannah Montan/Miley Stourt she is Lana Williams and Myra Edmins.

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She's more girl than girl!
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On Stage Apperance: Brown wig straight and down to elbows.

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She exchanged her long black hair with long brown hair. OOOOH!!! That's sneaky.
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That's it I hope I did it right.

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No. No you did not, sweetie.

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I charge her with not using a state-related surname and being an INCREDIBLY boring Mary Sue.

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Perp #3
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Name: Gracie Carson
Age:14
Interests: Soccer, Softball, Skateboarding, Guitar & Hanging with her friends

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Also hang gliding, origami, prank calling nursing homes, making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and then not eating them, collecting used fly strips, writing penpal letters to inmates, trying to see how many words you can get out of the letters that spell "sob," sleeping on ant hills, kitten wrestling and growing her hair.
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Personality: Hyper, Friendly, Sporty, Funny

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Posh and Scary too.
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Appearance: Tall & lanky. Long light brown hair and eyes the colour of mud. Some freckles around the nose and cheeks and double-pierced ears and another piercing up top on her right ear.

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Her wig must get caught in her earings A LOT!
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Bio: Gracie moved to Malibu when Oh Say Can You Remember the Words happened. She had traveled all over the world, and was moving from her most recent international home, Japan because her widowed mother got a job in California. Gracie is a strict vegetarian and a complete tree-hugger. She lives with her older brother, Matthew and little sister, Hannah. She also happens to have a HUGE crush on Oliver. Also she happens to secretly be teen pop sensation Rain Maine (lol like Hannah Montana is a name that rhymes with a state)

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Or like Rain Man. But, seriously, Rain Maine? And her dad is dead too? Was it vampires? And Japan? Is she inching towards Kawaii? Most likely.
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Friends: OLIVER, Miley, Lilly, Hannah Montana & some other people at their school that are never mentioned

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Everyone loves her! Squee!
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Anything else?: No

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I charge this Sue with being just like every other Sue. I mean, she's not quite a dull Sue but she's not quite a LOOK AT ME Sue either. Her crime is being too content with being just like everyone else.
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There. I told you I could do this without watching the show. Now I hope I never have to look at "That's So Raven," "Wizards of Waverly Place," "Zoey 101," "The Suite Life of Zach and Cody," or whatever else Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel churns out.

A Dock Full of Litas!

If I had to choose one blog entry that I could force a Suethor to read, it may just be this one. I've discussed this occurrence before but I want to bring it up again because it's the first sin most Mary Sues commit. If you are a Mary Sue and you are reading this, consider it an open letter:

Upon joining an rpg: READ THE RULES! If you don't like the rules, learn to adjust or don't play in the rpg. It's as simple as that. If you don't follow the rules you will instantly be tagged as a Mary Sue and you have no one to blame but yourself and your giant ego.

I have found a "Pirates of the Caribbean" rpg who suffered with a Mary Sue pulling a text book example of what I just mentioned. Here she is:

Character Name: Lita Von Danna

Country of Origin: Britain

Age: 21

Birthdate: 5th November

Carried: Pistol, cutlass and her fathers hat.

Appearance: She wears blue leggings and a white pirate blouse, Black knee high boots with a black Captains Hat that belonged to her father. She has a claw mark on her right thigh from the wench she was left with as a baby.

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Hazel

Weight: 60kg

Height: 5"8

Personality: Lita Von Danna is a strong willed and calm girl; she makes her thoughts clear and is not afraid of a challenge. She doesn’t have much time for lazy people and she drives a hard bargain. Hard work is nothing to her, although for all her muscle she is remarkably graceful and beautiful. She is a naturally kind soul but if you make her angry she is known to be ruthless.Lita values her friends and is always willing to make new ones but she is generally weary of shady characters, so that includes most pirates. Her kind nature gets her into trouble but her skill and strong will gets her out of it again. Lita is usually easy going but she has an aura of command around her.

HAW!! She's a pirate who is 'weary' of pirates. I'm weary of her also. She is a kind, calm soul who can get very angry and hates lazy people. She has muscles but they doesn't get in the way of her beauty. She's so sweet that it fucking hurts her but she has a sixth sense when shit is about to happen. Damn! There should be a Sue alarm that ought to be going off now. Instead of a "Woop! Woop! Woop!" it should say, "Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Step away from the rpg and go back to the grave of your parents killed by vampires!"

You may be asking yourself, how did Lita become such a deadly, bad ass bitch when it seems the poor girl is as meek and mild as a newborn babe:

Specialty: One of Lita’s main specialtys is her accuracy and skill with a pistol; she is quick and efficient, killing without wasting more bullets than she has to.Lita is deadly in hand to hand combat, she doesn’t need weapons to kill someone, Lita trained from a very young age, teaching herself everything she needed to survive on the violent and dangerous streets.

Oh! Street violence taught her how to be good at being violent but she remains a good person at heart. She has a calming influence, I see:

Friends: Mina De Chiko, her captain and the sister she never had.

This would be an Asian pirate who saved her from her horrible pre-Mary Sue life.

Brief Backstory: : Lita Von Danna is a British girl who was orphaned at an early age; she begged and stole food just to keep herself alive. Lita’s mother had been a wealthy noble who had dallied with a sailor, who had turned out to be a pirate, upon realizing his profession; her mother had run away from Port Royale in shame, leaving behind her baby daughter with a street wench.

I've heard this scenario before with the noble woman who fucked a pirate but where? Oh yeah... THE LAST Pirates of the Caribbean Mary Sue I made fun of. Remember Kitty Draven the Dreaded, the pirate with a heart of gold.

The ship her parents escaped on was sunk near Tortuga and their baby girl was abandoned at the age of 6. When Lita was 12 she met a girl named Mina who showed her how to dance, Mina filled the hole in Lita’s heart and they became sisters of a sort.Lita grew up with the other street urchins and when she was 14 she shipped out on a pirate vessel, giving into the heritage that screamed her name.

She's destined to Sue. *sigh!*

So what's the problem? The admin just didn't like this character:

Sorry, but I cannot accept your character. She doesn't have enough backstory. If you're going to make your own character up, please flesh them out. Also, I'm iffy with this ship that seems to be run by only females. This is not believable and nowhere close to history. I understand POTC is not historical, but all female pirates have been on crews with guys. Please flesh out some more stuff, and then I'll re-look at your application.

Huh. So the owner of the club didn't like Lita. Why? Well why not. The rules say:

Not everyone can be a pirate. Sorry guys and gals. It's not possible. PotC takes place in the 18th century and the days of piracy in the Spanish Main are drawing to a close.

And this:

ADMINS RESERVE THE RIGHT TO DENY ANY APPLICATION. If we don't like your original, we don't like it.

And here's a rule I ought to add to my rpg:

WANK AND DRAMA WILL NOT BE PERMITTED. I’m just letting you know. I hate drama so much. It’s annoying.

So how did Lita react?

You need to check your history... there have in fact been crews run mainly by females but if you choose to deny it oh well... just please dont say stuff like "nowhere close to history" when it has in fact been done...

And the owner's reply?

While there have been female pirates in history, it was a rare occurrence and I have never heard of any ship being run by mostly females. Please, I'm curious, where did you find out about these crews run by women?

Lita's rebuttal?

In a history book at school, I was reading up about famous female pirates at school and i found a book detailing some of the most infamous pirates, on of these was a Korean ship run by a female captain and it was said she had 3 other girl pirates on her ship but the females all dressed as men which is aparently why most female pirates were thought to be (and recorded in history) to be men, its how they escaped notice. Its amazing what you can find out when your bored in a english lesson and you have access to the school library.

The owner's final word?

Bottom line is there isn't any historical basis for a ship of female pirates, while there are ships who might've tolerated or accepted female captaincy at sometime this was incredibly rare to the point where saying a ship of pirate girls is historically inaccurate. This is a potc rp not Xena Warrior princess at sea.

Bottomest line, the admins aint accepting this scenario as kosher, change it. Or walk the plank.

Haw! I like these admins. If I were into role playing in a PotC rpg, this would be the one I'd join.

So, Lita is a dealt with and she acts like she's accepting that she can't role play because she's breaking a rule but she continues onward to press her Mary Sue needs:

well from what my sister told me after reading that, there are only two females aboard her ship... but if thats not ok then she wont continue with these two characters... however is she allowed to play a female character if the character is not a captain?

Even the other members of this rpg are sick of Lita and they throw in also:

She could be a civilian, like me. x_X This is Pirate of the Caribbean, but does everyone have to be a super, uber amazing pirate?

Haw, again! Needless to say, Lita never came back to this rpg. It didn't suit her need to be more awesomely awesome than someone awesome.

It's truly not that hard to read the rules, if for no other reason, than to find out if you can play your character the way you want to. Don't bicker with the mods and the owner about bending their rules for you just so you can wank.

For this reason, Lita and all her Mary Sue clones will forever be standing on these figurative docks wondering why they weren't taken aboard. Maybe the first rule Lita should have taken to heart, one rule in many rpgs that Mary Sues have a habit of skipping right the Hell over:

NO MARY-SUES/MARTY-STUS.

Saddle Sues

I find that sometimes if your rpg has a dumb premise, dumb things happen and your rpg suffers a dumb and painful death. For example, a My Little Pony rpg is a dumb idea. Never start one. How can they not help but be weird? Maybe I'm not seeing the big Pony picture but really, I don't think I'm off the mark by not seeing how this sort of rpg can be fun unless you are on crack. maybe they are...

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Here is one My Little Pony rpg that morphed into idiocy as seen through the eyes of a Pony Stu author. The author of this character helped make this little corner of the rpg spectrum a little dimmer.

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Here is her Pony Stu:

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For this game I want to play Quantum. Quantum is Galaxy's older brother. He was kidnapped as a baby to train and be part of the WHollyKow Kingdom's evil army. He broke out when he found out about his past and went to Dream Valley.

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Hee! On this note I'd like to welcome the Holeee Cow Kingdom to my blog!

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Stats:

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Quantum

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Body: Dark Blue
Hair: multi shades of blue and white

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powers: Smae as Galaxy's excpet for the fortune-telling thing and jsut a bit stronger
personality: He's a sucker for a pretty face and is a constant flirt. He's not shy, so he isn't afraid to tell you what he is thinking at the time no matter what it is. Very protective over his sister. HE used to live in Peace Valley, but he's a drifter and doesn't stay in one place too long.

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Let's play!!!

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I have no idea how well he knows his sister because their relationship doesn't work in a nice chronological order. Did he meet her after escaping? Has he spent much time with her? Does his mysterious drifting make him more of a Pony Stoic? Who knows? Who cares. He's a sexy male pony with a tragic past so just hang on tightly to the reins and let's continue down this bumpy trail.

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Here is a picture of Quantum made by the Suethor. Can you tell?:

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Now this surprizes me. Usually being a My Little Pony is all about the 'Rump Design.' I should know. I used to be an avid My Little Pony collector. My ponies were the envy of all the little girls in my second grade class. But then I grew up and grew out of ponies. That, and I also didn't like the direction My Little Ponies were going in. Those ponies with the plastic gems for eyes were DAMN CREEPY! I got two for Christmas and I never played with them. I never even put them on the shelf where they could LOOK INTO MY SOUL with their evil, expressionless sparkly eyes.

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Anyway, ZUM RPG!

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Here is Quantum's first post in the role playing game:

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Quantum looks out on this brisk almost-spring day and suddenly just doesn't feel like standing still. He rubs his horn on the ground to scratch the itchies.

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If he weren't a unicorn, that would sound dirty... wait... still sounds dirty.

Quantum's player quickly links up with twin ponies and she immediately sets them up on a quest. At this poin in the rpg this player is new and full of wonderful Pony Stu joy. She is probably full of ideas about how to squeeze every bit of fun there can be pretending you're a pony in a world that doesn't exist:

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Quantum looked up at the ponies. They were obviously twins, which was a bit amusing. "Hey, I'm Quantum, Galaxy's brother. I know you are thinking 'I didn't know Galaxy had a brother'. I've been getting that a lot lately. Anyway, have you seen her? I got this note in Peace Valley, where I live."

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He holds out a note. It reads:

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Quantum,
Big brother, it's urgent. I have to speak with you. Going thru our family's records I have discovered something horrible that hasbeen held secret from us for years. I can't tell you it in this note. Please meet me at the creek between Dream Valley and Peace Valley a noon tomorrow.
Galaxy

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"I've been waiting hours and she's not here. I have this horrible feeling that something has happened to her."

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So... ponies can take out sheets of paper, write on that paper with little pens and then carefully unfold that paper later to read the letters and show their pony friends. Are we sure about this?

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"It's her handwriting, that's for sure." He answered.

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Okay. HANDWRITING? Why not. We have family records about deep secrets. Why not handwriting?

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Here's a picture of Galaxy who is played by the same author:

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Now look at that rump. THAT is what I'm talking about!

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Let's get to the family secret:

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A green twinkle eyed pony with strands of hair in different shades of green stood on a hill watching the three leave."Galaxy was never supposed to find out about me." The pony said aloud to herself. "I was the sister everyone was ashamed of. I was thedisgrace of the family, and Quantum was too young to even remember me. I got to Galaxy. I can get to you too, littlebrother..." She winked out into the forest.

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Wow. A sister Pony named Emerald. And what do you think she's like?

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Emerald dropped her crystal ball on the ground and it smashed into several pieces. "Oh no. Now I can't keep my eye on them anymore. This sux more and more all the time." She sat down to think. "Why did I do this in the first place?" Then her eyes narrowed. "I know why. THEIR mother. She ruined my life and got me licked out of Dream Valley."

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Hee! Licked out of Dream Valley!

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She retrieved a book from out of nowhere.It was the book she acquired that helped her build the crystal ball. It was abook of magic. "An invisible spell. Great. I can follow them and they won't even know it." Making herself invisible she thought *As long as I don't talk they won't know where I am. Galaxy has a sixth sense so I can't follow her..although Griffin is with her...who are those other ponies? I'll follow Quantum's group. Hee hee hee*

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The long and short of it is that all the members of the club got involved with Galaxy, Quantum and Emerald's family issues and eventually ran Emerald out of whatever Pony valley they were in. She left the story with her tail between her legs and once Galaxy, Quantum and the other ponies were victorious, the author's interest in the club started to go. Sure, she followed along with other stories about other ponies that were not her getting stuck in a canyon during a rainstorm. More ponies joined the rpg with named like Shadow, Nightmare, Warlock, Soul Killer and Bleeding Heart. Yes, emo ponies with good hearts who are misunderstood.

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At post 505 I suppose that this author got tired of not being the center of attention and pulled this nonsense:

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This is gonna shock you all some hee hee

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Quatnum hung his head and snickered. Then he looked up and said, "Come on, guys. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the evil menace?" Waits as all ponies look at him in disbelief. "I mean, I'm the only one here who has felt really good the whole time. I never got my magic drained and I totally didn't care what happened to anyone. You all are so trustingand stupid." Then Quantum raises up on his hind legs to expose a zipper down his chest. The zipper unzips and a huge demon-like monster comes out. "It's too easy to fool you all. Way too easy. Quantum was never ehre with you guys. He hasn't been here the whole time."

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The demon thing laughed. "I love it. You are all so shocked. This performance will win me an Oscar." He breathed fire and the flames mgically turned into a pointed staff. "Now, who will be the first to die."

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Umm... so the demon is defeated and it turns out Quantum was okay and they all met up with him to fight some other ponies who were trying to harvest these good ponies for lab research.

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So, where does one go after thwarting a VERY short-lived story about a lab research ring? Naturally, and how could you be so silly not to come to this conclusion quickly, a rainbow vortex picks you up and plunks you down someplace completely foreign:

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Galaxy steps off the rainbow and hears a loud honking noise. A human in a big metal machine swerves past her and waves his arms out the opening of the machine screamng, "GEt out of the road you freak!" Quantum looked at a small human female who tugged on her mommy's dress. Teh little girl asked, "Mommy, why is that pony blue?" The mother looked at Quantum then andscreamed, ushering her daughter away. Galaxy looked at the other ponies. "Where are we? I dont' think we are safe here."

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So where are they? I shit you not:

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This was, sadly, one of this authors last contributions to this rpg. The rpg spends several whimpering posts as the ponies explores the cities and suburbs around modern day Michigan.

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Two players did their best and the story drops off as one pony wanders into a 'dark place' and a gun shot is heard.

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At post 762 this rpg fizzles out into spammers from to sell creams to increase your cock size.

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I truly hope I've passed an important lesson on to you. Never start a lame rpg. They get ridiculous fairly quickly and you have no one to blame but yourself.

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And never buy ponies with plastic gem eyes.

Mary Sue of the Caribbean!

Here's another inactive club called "Pirates of the Caribbean RPG." It only lasted 295 posts because attendance was droppping off, not enough people cared about Mary Sue and then our Mary Sue had a hissy about the second Pirates movie and left her own rpg behind.

Let's pick apart her short lived club and laugh at her silly Sueness.
In the description of the club we have a list of all the characters the owner expects you to worship. She plays Captain Jack Sparrow and two made ups named Katherine Draven the Dreaded and Aeris. Aeris is Katherine's best friend so each one is free to fuck someone else. Some other people play Elizabeth, Will and a made up named Rose but who gives a shit? This rpg isn't about them.

Let's meet our star!

Name: Katherine Draven (aka: Draven, Draven the Dreaded, or Kitty by her first-mate, Aeris)
Age: 20
Eye color: Blue
Hair color: Dark brown, almost black

Yep. This is her. She's a precious moments figurine with big boobs. Also, I'll let you decide if that's a chastity belt or a codpiece.

Personality: Funny, but a little odd. Very friendly, for a pirate. But don't get on her bad side. She's known by enemies as "Draven the Dreaded."

She's a funny, friendly dreaded pirate!

Job: She sails on her own ship, the Crow’s Feather, but currently can't recall where it is. lol.

This little contrivance gives us the background behind Kitty's Mary Sue drama. She needs to find her ship and her boytoy. I wonder how she will ever be able to to that.

She has lived a typical pirate life for the past five years until she lost most of her crew do to unknown circumstances, including her first-mate, who is lost because of unknown circumstances.

She doesn't really know a lot about anything, does she? Now remember how she doesn't remember losing them as you read this next bit.

The night her crew left, she had docked at some beach, but was too drunk to remember where. She passed out on the beach and in the morning, continued to drink, trying to get her hang-over to leave. Being as drunk as one can humanly get, she jumped aboard a random ship she thought was hers because a few of her former crew members had boarded. She was forced off with only a small life boat and sailed to the closest island: Tortuga.

Wait? She got incredibly shit-faced, passed out and got on the wrong ship but they left her? I wonder why they felt she wasn't a good leader. Does she suspect her drinking had something to do with it?

Let's move on to Aeris. I won't be showing all of his bio because it's the same yawn inducing Gary Stu stuff you'd expect. He's sexy, talented with his sword and wants his Mary Sue back immediately!

He was the only one to stand up for Kitty when her crew turned against her and left. He has temporarily taken over the role of Captain of the Feather and has even recruited a small crew willing to sail under him until they find Kitty, then sail under her when she resumes captaincy. He is currently searching for his best friend and captain.

A reason is never given as to why they left her behind or how Aeris was able to keep the ship, get a new crew or even how he let the bitch wander away in the middle of the night. These pitiful assholes deserve each other.

Oh... and?

Any other info ya wanna give: Unknown to all characters, but I’m telling all the members that Aeris and Kitty have a telepathic link. So when you see text in between ~these~ it’s them talking in telepathy.

Yeah. Uh huh? Walk the plank, you dipshits!

Oh wait... are we forgetting Captain Jack Sparrow? Last we left Kitty, she was wasted in Tortuga.

She looked over at a nearby table and recognized her old friend, Jack Sparrow. She got to her feet to wander over, but was instantly dizzy and fell back into her chair. Jack noticed the movement and also recognized Katherine. He manuevered around the fighting pirates that infested the Inn and sat next to his old friend. "Well well well. Drunk again, Kitty?" he said around a sip of ale. Before anyone knew what happened, Katherine had one of her throwing daggers out and pressed against Jack's neck. Even drunk out of her mind, Katherine's instincts and reflexes were as sharp and fast as ever. "I told you before, Sparrow. Only one man can call me Kitty, and you're not 'im." the two stared at each other a moment longer before wide grins burst out on each of their faces and laughs poured from their mouths. before long, the two were drunker than ever and reminiscing. Katherine explained what happened between her and her crew and how she was looking for her ship. "So, I'm trying to find Aeris. Have you seen him?" Katherine said. "No. Sorry, Kat. But i'll keep an eye out and i'll help you find your ship. Savvy?" Katherine nodded and the two sat for a while, enjoying their drinks and company...

Awww... This Sue is tough, takes no crap and wants to hump all over Jack. They are friends. Isn't that so Sue-y? And he wants to help her because he's just that sort of guy. I'm tingly after reading this. No really.

Well, okay. That flagrant misuse of the word 'Savvy' makes me want to kick a Mary Sue, any Mary Sue, in the head but otherwise, I'm fine. :o) <----- See? I'm smiling.

Tabby Sue

Today's bio is something a little different. It is from a role playing game based on a series of books called Warrior Cats. I don't know much about these novels (but here's a link to wiki) but from what I gather, it's like Watership Down but with cats. They are sort of magic and they are warriors and they are cats. Wow!

Fabulous, huh? So how, in a world of kitties, could their possibly be a Mary Sue? There's lots of ways, I tell you! Just looks at this little pussycat's bio:

~Character Information~

Our Sue loves to use these: ~. Some Sues do. Maybe they think it gives them a twinkly, sparkly, wavy quality like their litterboxes don't stink. Plus, everything in this bio is centered just like our Sue's bio is... centered for our complete attention.

Personal Information

Name: Thornclaw

Age: 48 Seasons (12 Years)

Gender: She-Cat

Family: None

I predict she'd all angsty about having no family to call her own... except for the family of fleas in her fur. :o(

Love Life: None yet

Poor little kittycat. She has no serious relationship. It must be so difficult when the tomcats don't yet realize how awesome this Tabby Sue is.

Clan Information

Clan: Doveclan

Rank: Warrior

:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:

Twinkly flowery lines!!!!111!!! Don't they just make you want to squee?

Physical Description: Thornclaw is a brown tabby, who is rather small, and can be mistaken for a soon-to-be-warrior apprentice. Her eyes change color, from light hazel, to a little darker, depending on her mood. Although she is small, this allows her to be extremely speedy, and can fit in small places.

She's small and fast, mistaken for an inexperienced youth and her eyes change color. HALLMARK SIGNS of a Mary Sue. Can it get Sue-ier? Of course it can!

Short Physical Description: Thornclaw is a small and speedy Tabby-cat.

So.... why do we need a short physical description? I guess it's in case a Tabby Sue or Tommy Stu describes themselves too much and you just want to skip all that self serving, amazingly awesome shit and get clear answer.

Personality

Clan Wise: Thornclaw is extremely loyal to her clan. She has never broken the Warrior code before, and never will, unless under extreme circumstances. She respects her whole clan, but most of all her Leader, and Deputy.

Like if they don't allow her to be the smallest, fastest and bestest at something, she may have to break Warrior Code to be a big honking drama queen.

Family, Love, And Friends: Has no family. Has no love - yet. Thornclaw is friends will almost her whole clan. Well, her clan is her friends. Some may not like her, but there is no-one that Thornclaw is not too keen on.

So she's keen on her friends who are her clan even if they may not like her. I think what this waffling amounts to is that she hopes to be friends with everyone by being quicker, faster, stronger and saving them from any conflicts they might have that could make interesting storylines. I hope they thank her a lot for constantly putting the spotlight on herself.

Personal: Thornclaw is a happy and bouncy she-cat, who is always up for adventure and excitement. Although she's rather hypo, she can be dead serious when she needs to, including when hunting.

She's hypo? Is she hypoallergenic? A hypochondriac? A hypocrate? Hypoglycemic? A hypotenuse?

Battle: Thornclaw's best skill is hunting, because she loves it, and has the perfect body for it. She's quick, swift, and gives the prey no harm, due to her soft heart.

Thornclaw really ought to be leader because she is merciful and has slammin' abs. Ho hum. Maybe one of these days the other cats in her clan will notice, hoist her above their heads and proclaim her the president of all the clans!

Undefinded: Nothing really.

Huh. I have no riff here. I don't know what this means. She's either not unfounded, undefined or undefended. She is unfinished:

History

Kithood: When Thornclaw was born, obviously she was named Thorn, and she was named so because of her razor sharp teeth and claws, and her love for hunting. But unfortunately when she was a kit, after about half a moon, both her parents died. Thornclaw was never told why, but she didn't really mind, because of her good spirit.

I bet they were killed by vampires. I've heard from a reliable source that vampires are bitches like that. It's a good things she doesn't give a crap.

Apprenticeship: Thornclaw was a great Apprentice, because of her genuine enthusiasm. She was always respectful to her mentor, and always did what she was told. She was a very successful little she-cat.

Warriorhood: Thornclaw has only had about four seasons of Warriorhood, although they have been excellent ones. She has been a very successful fighter, hunter and clan-mate. She hasn't had many arguments, maybe one or two, but they weren't too big.

There's nothing of any real significance about her life... OTHER THAN SHE IS BETTER THAN YOU!

Other Information:

Extra: Nopee dopee

Damn skippy, nopee dopee, Susie poosie!

RP Example: Thornclaw's paws stopped instinctively as her nostrils widened, and sniffed. Finally! Thornclaw had been searching for ages, and not found any food at all. But now she could. She'd be able to feed her clan, and do them good. She had been a bit grumpy lately, and she wanted to repay her clan by helping out. Thornclaw's ears perked as she heard soft scurrying. The prey she was about to catch was a mouse. She bent down, her senses alert, her eyes wide open. Silently and softly, she crept for wards, and waited until her mouse was in perfect position. There! It was just in front of a rack about the size of Thornclaw's flank. Where-ever it went, she could still catch it. Thornclaw waited until the mouse started nibbling on a seed, before she leaped upon it, and threw it against a tree trunk too knock it out. Thornclaw bent down, snapped its neck quickly, and un-painfully. Thornclaw turned around, mouse in her mouth, and headed back for camp.

I love it tremendously when Sues have to write a terrible act like killing and make it sound cute and noble. While they are the best at it, they also the most humane. And now she's feeding her clan this tiny, little mouse to repay them for her grumpiness? I have no idea what that means nor do I get how she had not found food but now she could find it when it's up against a rack. A rack of what? Lamb? Breasts? Guns?

I call foul! After seeing this picture I feel this is an Insert Sue! Naughty kitty! You have a date with my supersoaker now! Get your filthy paws in the air and back away from the computer, chipmunk breath!

Bangers and Slash

Haven't had enough Draco slash stories yet? Here's a German Yahoo club devoted to our favorite little, part Veela boy slut and all the fanfiction whore-ness you can tolerate!

Herzlich Willkommen bei der Harry Draco Slash Group!

Hier dreht sich, wie der Name schon sagt, nur um Harry und Draco.

Als Mitglied könnt ihr hier eure selbstgeschriebenen Fanfics und Zeichnungen posten.

Zudem haben wir noch eine Partnergroup, in der wir ein RPG angefangen haben.

Zum RPG!

What does this say? I don't know. I don't speak German but I did run this club description through Babelfish:

Cordially welcomes with the Harry Draco Slash Group!

Here turns, as the name already says, only around Harry and Draco.

As a member can do you here your self-written Fanfics and designs posts.

Besides we have still another Partnergroup, in which we began a RPG.

To the RPG!

And now? ZUM RPG!

For those of you who haven't read Harry Potter, in book 4 Draco Malfoy was turned into ferret by Mad Eye Moody (Sort of. Just read the book if you want to know the whole story.) I just wanted to tell you that so you aren't worried that Harry is going to fuck that horny, little ferret for no reason. Harry most certainly has a reason for fucking it!

Here's is the rpg's "Beschreibung:"

Hallöchen!

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Dies hier ist das offizielle RPG zu hpdmslash. Wie der Name schon sagt, wird hier nur gespielt ^.^

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Viel Spaß!

Rebi ^.^

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PS: Vergesst bitte nicht, dies hier ist ein RPG! Es lebt von der Aktivität der Mitglieder!

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And auf Babelfish Englisch?

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Halloechen!

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This here is the official RPG too hpdmslash. As the name already says, here only easily ^. ^

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Much fun!

Rebi ^. ^

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HP: Do not forget please, this is a RPG here! It lives on the activity of the members!

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This club is no longer active. Too bad, huh? I can't even get in to show you all snippets of the slash activity. You'll just have to imagine Draco and Harry doing it.

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But I do have a new edition of my Unfortunate Typos segment. This comes from a Christian rpg where assassins, elves, witches, fairies and the like romp through forests, fight with magic, carry guns and live by the bible. I found this bio and I thought you might enjoy it:

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"John Alexander Pain
Gender: Male

Age: 50

Favored gun: a handheld M242 25mm chain gun in the shape of a cross

Affliction: Catholic Church"