Wednesday, April 8, 2009


Today's defunct rpg is called "Astral Academy for all Magical Beings." It's a blatant Harry Potter rip off. Almost everything is the same except that this school accepts all magical beings and specializes in divination. Oh! And Headmistress Forter, looks like Cameron Diaz.

There are four houses just like Hogwarts (and in some ways, not like Hogwarts at all) and here is the site description of each one:

Students in the Delphis house are very good healers. They are very sensitive and have strong natural instincts. They know what they are looking for and won't give up easily. They also get along with almost everyone they meet. They are very nice. They may be slow at what they do, but they are safe doing it.
Stay Close to: Caballus House Stay away from: Mydas House

So this house is 60% Hufflepuff and 40% Gryffindor. They are dull but determined, cautious but courageous and smart but slow. Everything you could ever want in these two goody-two-shoe Houses all rolled into one.

Students in the Mydas House are maybe the meanest of all the houses. They are spiritual in their own way. They make fun of those not like them. They are usually considered liars and cheats. They like to make fun of the poor and love the rich. But even though they seem like they know what they want, they have a lot of emotional or mental stress upon them.
Stay close to: Cyclora House Stay away from: Delphis House

It's Slytherin. It's full of wealthy, pureblood assholes. They will all be depressed, vicious, suicidal and have all the mad Dark Arts Skillz.
The students in the Caballus House are the most loving of them all. They believe in true love and are very romantic. They are loyal to people they meet and are commited to what they want. They flirt and thrive on their sexual desires. But they can be a little foolish. They can get into trouble.
Stay close to: Delphis House Stay away from: Cyclora House

Here is where we diverge from the main four Hogwarts Houses. The whores, sluts, pimps, gimps, playas, nymphos and bondage freaks live here. This is CLEARLY the Tootsietramp House.

Students in the Cyclora House have very short tempers. They are brave and get fired up a lot. They seem to have a pretty big ego too. They can be creative in their own ways. Cyclora's are known to be very determined and empowered. They aren't afraid and will do anything they set their minds too.
Stay close to: Mydas House Stay away from: Delphis House

And here is Ravenclaw, the real Slytherins of Hogwarts. These students that embody what Slytherins ought to be in, not the whiny, bitchy brats they have become thanks to Mary Sues and Gary Stus.

Headmistress Forter requires all new students to go to the Diamond Dining Hall for a Sorting Ceremony and a whopping total of six students showed up for this. The Ceremony goes a little like this:

Headmistress Forter stood in front of something also. It was a littler platform. But this platform was a little more special. That platform would tell what house each student would be in. Once the student stands on it, the color of the house will glow. Not only will it do that but it will also make the student glow. The school's outfit will appear on the student. Headmistress Forter loved that part. The students would be spooked by it."

I'm not sure. Those Caballus kids may actually enjoy losing their clothes to the Headmistress on their first day of school.

So how did these students do in the Ceremony? Oh boy. Now it's time to sort the dull, demented, ditzy and dangerous from each other.

First up is Bailey Morrison. As you can see, he's not Alex Evans but he wishes he was. He's emo, goth and misunderstood. Of course he's bisexual, "goes through severe bouts of depression", is beaten by his parents who hate him and he sings like an angel. His rpg example is a detailed description of his dad beating the shit out of Bailey when he is accepted to Astral Academy.

So what House do you think he'll be placed in? Place your bets before you read further:

Bailey jumped as the platform glowed a bright pink. (Caballus) Looking down at his own body, he saw that he too, for a brief moment, seemed to glow the same color and his eyes widened as the school uniform appeard on his body. His mouth gaped open and his head shot up to the headmistress once more as she spoke. Sighing, he stepped off the platform and walked to the table he was supposed to be at.

Next up is Ookami Lynn. She's bisexual, pureblood and is Asian with white hair. Why is her hair white? She can freeze things with her touch. In fact, her entire demeanor is cold and she loves to torture people. Her only friend in life is her pet dragon because her mom died in child birth and her dad is afraid of her. In her rpg example and cries about being so alone, not just in Astral Academy, but in life as well.

So what House did she end up in?

She began to glow a red and before she could say anything as she stared towards the mistress a slight fear flashed in her cold eyes then vanished as the uniform came onto her. (Cyclora) She stared down at it suddenly feeling bare as her cloak had left her body. The red plaid skirt and polo's along with the shirt with the house's emblium on it, she twitched and she slowly stepped from the 'stage' and hesitantly made her way perfectly careful not to touch anyone.
She sat alone at the table, away from the others. Her hand came down flat on the table and she stared at the mistress before realising her hand. Eyes shot down, her gaze adverting to her hand as she quickly pulled it from the table. A frosted handprint was left in it's place and she stared at it uneasily before her gaze scanned the table. Making sure to scoot away from anyone who got to close to her.

There's some crap after this where Ookami and Headmistress talk about the girl's frozen touch and a bunch of NPC kids look at Ookami like she's a freak which she is. Headmistress Forter gives her special gloves to negate the frozen touch but guess what... in EVERY POST Ookami brings up her frozen touch. She's determined to milk her curse for all it's worth and no dumb gloves that could help her will stand in the way.

Next we have Jared Darken who is pansexual, pureblood, always carries a snake on his shoulders, can read minds and auras, likes sex, is wealthy and is a big sweetie except when he spray paints cars for fun.
There isn't much to be said for this guy since he only posted a dozen times on the forum. Like Ookami and her frozen touch, this guy brings up his snake a lot and there isn't too much you can do if that's all you've got. And he and his snake ended up in Caballus.

Next is Rhyne Launer, a self proclaimed sparkling hottie. I can't even post his banner here because it's so damn big. Obviously the author likes this actor and makes him awesome. He has a big ego and big heart, is a pureblood, is bi-curious and has a thing for his male cousin, Ryan. In fact, they can link their minds telepathically. His rpg example shows Rhyne and Ryan coming close to getting it on while swimming together.

So what House will Rhyne be in?

Rhyne looked down at the platform then his body. He noticed he was glowing a blue color. He didn't panic but he was really scared. He looked around and then he looked back down at his body. He now had a blue outfit on with a badge on his chest of a Dolphin. He smiled and walked off to his table. (Delphis)

Ookami throws this little piece of depression in:

It was interesting how her mind worked, here she'd be dead silent and appear shy, in her dorm and when she was somewhat alone she'd be as cold as her touch. She mumbled something under her breath as she slipped off the left glove and ran her finger along the table.
She spelt out in cursive:
Not Alone
Next is another character created by Ookami's author. She's a mermaid named Nimaway Lee Glen. She's a bisexual half-blood and even though she's a mermaid, she can shape shift into a human. She is drop dead gorgeous and loves everyone and everything and hates mean people because they suck. Her dad ran out on her mom after learning she was a mermaid. Nimaway can't wait to shape shift into the form of other students because she's just that special.

What House will she be in? Duh! Delphis. And her clothes didn't change because she's a big, special shape shifter. Puke.

Finally we have Kahlen Fiona J. Smith who looks like Jessica Alba and is plucky enough to redo the entire bio to fit how cute she is. Seriously. There are paragraphs dedicated to her hair, eyes, skin, lips and her firebolt shaped birthmark behind her ear. That's correct. You read that right. She even mentions Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Voldemort in her bio because she didn't really read the premise of the rpg. This quote sums her up:

"Throughout her years at Astral, up to now, she had learned more than ever, she had been able to transfigure do spells correctly, make Potions, become a better mermaid and telepath and most of all had fun. Now, she must face challenges, survive contests and everything."

Better mermaid??? That shows up no where in her bio but this line. I have no idea why I'm questioning this. She's just all around awesome.

How does she fare in the Sorting thread? Essentially, she's left high and dry by Headmistress Forter. The Headmistress' last post is the one where she accepts Kahlen's assy character, makes her a Delphis and begs her to stay and role play. Kahlen trots herself over to the Sorting thread and waits to stand on the platform but Headmistress Forter never shows up.

So, like the rpg from All Sued Up and No Place to RP, this rpg didn't run well under the weight of all it's special players. These Mary Sues and Gary Stus just crush it to death with the constant drama or inability to get it on with other students because the population is so low.

This site has been taken over by sex ads and wowposter. It sits, lonely and dusty. Even the sparkles have faded, never again to blind us. R.I.P. Astral Academy. You didn't stand a chance.


Freaklin Gout said...

That was a great one. Here's a transcript of our chat when I read through this entry.

Freaklin Gout: LOL, I thought it said "Astral Academy for Magical Bugs"

Freaklin Gout: Delphis sounds like the most boring house of all time.

Freaklin Gout: Huh???? "Students in the Mydas House are maybe the meanest of all the houses. They are spiritual in their own way."

Cadence: You'll like Caballus.

Freaklin Gout: Haw! There's a Whore House!

Freaklin Gout: Stuart: Sign me up!

Freaklin Gout: I like that they have a rabbit as their mascot.

Freaklin Gout: LOL: "Headmistress Forter requires all new students to go to the Diamond Dining Hall for a Sorting Ceremony and a whopping total of six students showed up for this."

Freaklin Gout: I hate lame RPers so much.

Cadence: Now you get to see Ookami. She annoyed the Hell out of me.

Freaklin Gout: I haven't gotten to her yet, I'm still on Bailey.

Freaklin Gout: "....his eyes widened as the school uniform appeard on his body. His mouth gaped open and his head shot up to the headmistress once more as she spoke. Sighing, he stepped off the platform and walked to the table he was supposed to be at."

Freaklin Gout: That part really bugs me. Do people not read how they write? Okay, your dude is getting a big surprise. His mouth is hanging open and he's swinging his head around in shock. Suddenly he sighs and meekly walks to the table? WTF? That doesn't even make sense.

Cadence: None of these authors makes sense.

Bob Guyenis: I bet these people walk away and sigh after having a massive orgasm too.

Freaklin Gout: Yes, my point exactly, Bob.

Freaklin Gout: Ookay, mooving on to Ookami.

Cadence: Hee! It was hard now to type "Headmistress Farter."

Freaklin Gout: LOL! Headmistress Farter!

Cadence: I should have.

Bob Guyenis: Video game reference mixed with monkey reference. That's a winner right there.

Freaklin Gout: I know what the video game reference is (Okami) but what's the monkey reference?

Bob Guyenis: Ook.

Freaklin Gout: Ook is a monkey?

Bob Guyenis: It's a monkey noise.

Freaklin Gout: Uh.... okay.

Freaklin Gout is still giggling about Headmistress Farter

Cadence: It was too easy to go for that joke. I couldn't.

Freaklin Gout: Okay, I agree that Ookami is stupid, but what was it about her that bugged you so much?

Cadence: I read other posts of hers. They were all depressing. All she did was cry and mention her ice touch.

Cadence: She said she loves to be mean and torture people but all she did was cry.

Freaklin Gout: She does sound super lame. She must have been so annoyed when Headmistress Farter gave her special de-icing gloves.

Cadence: She was. She didn't wear them in her other posts just so she could milk her frozen touch and how sad it makes her.

Freaklin Gout: I'm moving on to Jared Darken, whose most powerful weapon is his sexuality.

Freaklin Gout: This made me laugh: "is a big sweetie except when he spray paints cars for fun"

Bob Guyenis: One week a bunch of cars in our neighborhood were vandalized. Sweet isn't the word that comes to mind.

Freaklin Gout: But it was done by Jared Darken! Everyone loves him and his snake!

Cadence: I know!!! He's awesome! I don't care if he damages my car. He and his snake.

Bob Guyenis: That's all you women think about!

Freaklin Gout swoons over Jared Darken and his snake

Freaklin Gout: Okay, Nimaway is the stupidest name ever.

Freaklin Gout: Also: How on earth did Rhyne, the male whore, NOT get sorted into Callubus?

Cadence: I have no idea. It's such a silly rpg.

Freaklin Gout: This sentence makes me giggle because it's so lame: "Now, she must face challenges, survive contests and everything"

Freaklin Gout: The "and everything" is killing me.

Freaklin Gout: You know! Stuff!

Cadence: Hee!

PM said...

Astral Academy for Magical Bugs! It's all the Hogwarts you ever wanted... and less. :oD