Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Forks you! See what you've LaPushed me to?

A few days ago I saw the movie "Twilight." That was my first introduction to this series of books by Stephanie Meyers. This movie is currently all I know about the series and, I must say, it's all I need to know. I am utterly disappointed about what vampires have become. Sparkly in sunlight? They go to high school? Some even go around biting the prettiest and poutiest humans so they can join the leagues of pretty and pouting vampires that walk the Earth?

This series is hideous! Every canon character is a damned Sue! They are all good looking and all have some deeply sad background. Can you imagine what the original characters must look like if the canons are this bad?

Imagine no more! Here are some of the Sues I found in only one Twilight rpg. These are all 10 diffent Sues that appeared in only the first page (1 of 9) of an Accepted Character section. Some are long. I guess it's difficult to contain all the tragedy in a few lines.

1. "when angel was five his mom and him were taking a walk through the woods when all of a sudden they were attacked by about 3 wolves. they killed his mom and were about to finish him of when his father arrived and drove them away. he was all heeled up when his father noticed that he was changed. Angel had to move because people were getting a bit suspicious were he used to live."

Full name: Angel Chaos. Orientation: Bi. Looks Like: Alex Evans. Cadence: Not kidding.

2. "Serene's Parents are cold-hearted, and not wanting there own child, sent her away. They put up with Angel for as long as they could. But finally sent her to earth to live with Serene and Serene's Aunt. Angel doesn't know how her parents died, but their memory seems to haunt her."

She's a light angel and her avatar is anime. Does Twilight even have angels? Fuck Twilight if they do. It's worse than I thought.

3. "After her brother's death, several relatives came to watch Felicity while her parents were busy with their work. Particularly, an uncle, who made Felicity so uncomfortable, she would sneak away before he woke up. Because of this, she was beaten and locked into her room. Felicity learned to keep things inside, and now struggles with letting out her emotions."

Appearence (It mocks itself): "Her face usually has an air of mystery about it, as though she is concealing her thoughts and feelings."

4. "When she was 3 was when she first turned into a cat that was when her life and family all fell apart. That night her father out of anger murdered her mother cut her to bits and buried her in the woods. For years after her father brutally abused her After all those years of abuse she became quiet and shy. One day she had enough after he lashed her than had the audacity of talking about her mother in a rude way like she was trash she had enough. She turned into a cheetah and ripped him to shreds throwing them into the ocean once that was taken care of she built a grave marker where her mother’s remains were."

Appearance: Aside from being scarred by her father, "Her eyes are an odd shade of dark purple that are full of care and sometimes a glint of sorrow."

5. "Recently Adenn left home after his family was attacked by a vampire that had hunted them down, the Vampire slaughtered his mother and father, aswell as most of the livestock they kept, Adenn had barely gotten away before he fell victim to the Vampire, though he suffered injuries."

Personality: "Blinded by rage when provoked" I'm losing track of all the dead parents. This is a lesson: Mama's don't let your sons grow up to be Stus by getting yourself killed by a vampire.

6. "Then one day when she was about 7 tragedy struck and it struck hard. She was coming home from school one day noticing her mother wasn't home like usual...instead there were two cop cars in front of the house. She went it kind of scared as she forced her to sit down and they told her the story. Her mother was found sprawled on the ground bloody and beaten on the side of the road. She was the one who had to tell the rest of her family.....Ater that her brother disappeared on her 8th birthday causing her father to sink into a deeper depression. He then turned to drinking and smoking to save him from himself. Her sister was never around so she had to take the beatings.....literally. She still has the scars and bruises from those days. One day her father called her into the living room where he sat with a gun. She felt afraid for her life until she watched her dad shoot himself in the head with his prized .44."

Appearance: "very curvaceous in all of the right spots earning her the title of most hated girl by every girl in the high school" and "back length raven black hair that has different colored streaks in it form one day when she got bored.,her hair is also slightly curly but usually cascades in waves around her face framing it like and angel." Cadence: Currently puking.

7. "Aurora was born into a wealthy family in Forks. Due to unknown reasons, her entire family died when she was young. Local police believe it was a sort of sickness that spread through family genes. The truth, however, was that her family had vampire blood. Back in 1680, Aurora's great great great great (etc) grandmother married a vampire. This blood has branched out over the many generations and Aurora was left with next to none; thankfully."

Appearence: "She's thin towards the anorexic state but not too much. It especially shows on her thin, long legs." It's awesome to have legs like an anorexic! They're so hot!

8. "Not long after Seriyah was born, Dezerah died of blood loss. Jason was devestated, but held on for two more years, signing out mysterious papers before taking his own life."

Appearance: "Seriyah's eyes are a uellow-hazel, although they are often described as gold. Her hair is quite at odds with the rest of her body, but no less beautiful, seeming to fit in with this fair creature. Her long straight hair, from birth, has always been very light blond, nearly white in bright sunlight. Platinum blond. A birth 'defect,' if you will." (Insert blonde joke here.)

9. "I fell unconsious at Dr. Carlisle Cullen's front door. He took me in and the next thing I knew, my eyes were red, and besides that I was the beautiful thing I seen. I thank him to this day for saving my life, and led me down the path of not killing humans. I have never drank human blood before. I only hunt animals."

She's anime, has wings and her name is Stephanie Cullen. Is this Stephanie Meyers doing a little wishful thinking...

10. "Admiranda was conceieved by her human mother, and after her birth she was briefly taken care of by her father for a few weeks. He left her in the care of his sister, placing a small white teddy bear in her arms as she slept. She awoke in a strange house, in the arms of her aunt Cleo, who eventually told her that her father had been killed by the Volturi(he had succeeded in what Edward attempted in New Moon)."

A secret organization kept her hostage and hurt her when she was bad so she's scarred. Her last name is Cadence. I want to cry.

Like I said, this all came from Page 1. There exists 8 more pages just like it in this rpg alone. I fear all Twilight rpgs suffer from this shit and I put full blame on the author, the publishers, the movie makers and all the fangirls who promote this garbage. I'm afraid to look into the wallowing abyss of anymore Twilight rpgs. I probably will, though, because they write my blog for me.

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