Thursday, May 1, 2008

Tee hee! Is my sword peeking out?

This Gary Stu is from a Teen Titans rpg. Teen Titans is a cartoon based on Robin from Batman and Robin and he has these teen friends and they all fight crime and do teenager things. You'd forget that while reading this bio because not only is this Gary Stu too much for this rpg, he writes a booklength bio. Be aware that I cut out many long sections of crap and this is still pretty long. You may want to get a cup of coffee and settle in:
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Your Character Name: Jarek "Hawkeye" Acymist
Alias: Jarek

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Huh? So Hawkeye isn't his alias? Why in the world is it in quotations then? Also, when I read his last name I can't help but hear it pronounced as Assy Mist. That ought to be his alias.
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Age: 100
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So he's not really a teenager then, is he? Why is he even here?
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Height: 6'3''
Weight: 200 lbs

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I hate this type of bio form question as well and not because I can't calculate proper heights and weights in my head. It's because I'm not the only one who can't and why is it hard for these measurements be included in an "appearence" category. If they are important, the author will list them there. And besides, this is a Gary Stu. Do you think he'll be pudgy?
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Body Type: Toned
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I'm shocked! Can I go back to sleep now?
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Hair: Jet Black, braided ponytail
Eyes: Dark Yellow, Hawk style pupil
General Apperance: N/A

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How can his appearence not be available? Everyone has an available appearence, I would think.
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Uniform: Jarek appears to be quite intimidating from his appearance alone. He has a light healthy peach skin tone. He has a neatly trimmed thin mustache with a short beard. He usually dresses lightly, choosing to wear no shirt. Rather he wears a long overcoat. The outside of the coat is black, save the sleeves which like the inside of the jacket are a crimson red color. Jarek wears dark colored pants and light but durable shoes that allow him to move quickly. There are 3 blades located on Jarek's body. One which takes the form of a katana going from left to right down his back, another katana going from right to left to form a cross; and a bastard sword going straight down the middle. There is a number tattooed on Jarek's side which is roughly visible.
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All those swords must get pokey when he tries to do things like go to the bathroom.
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Powers: Enhanced Visual Perception & Reaction time
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Extents:
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This ought to read: Extensions of my manhood. Hold tight now. He is actually about to name his swords.
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Acimyst: A katana crafted for Jarek's use, a personalized Katana blade that only recognizes him as it's owner. The Acimyst blade is long and slender, yet very strong and durable, able to cut through metal when enough force is put behind it. The Katana carries Jarek's spiritual signature which can manifest itself in the usage of different blade techniques.
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It's almost a shame that no other man can touch the sword of Assy Mist. They can never understand how it feels to hold that rigid weapon and marvel at it's thrusting powers!
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Heavens Call: The sword will glow with a light blue shade, forming an aura around the weapon. When this occurs, the blade will summon a set of blades formed out of the same spiritual essence to form a ring around Jarek's body. The swords are able to pierce, block and parry though they're individual durability is short.
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When this one turns blue, it activates several others that fly up at attention and circle around Assy Mist. They will penatrate if they have to!
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Acideph: The second of two katana's, this one named after Jarek's great grandfather who like him was a brilliant swordsman. This Katana is a bit shorter then Acimyst and it's cutting power is lower. However the blade's function wasn't so much to cut through opposing materials, but rather the blade was designed for mental trauma. Having been christened in spiritual energy, the blade carries one sole ability and function.
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The one is older, shorter and can't maintain it's power as long. Mental trauma is closely involved.
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Heaven's Judgment: The sword carries a special ability. When it cuts a living being, it will momentarily deliver a mental shock to the victim. In essence, the blade will cause the victim to undergo a brief but shocking mental experience. The sword was designed to cripple an opponents mind in the battle field thus eliminating them as proper competition by creating openings.
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This one fucks with your mind after it slips itself in an unnatural opening and shocks you into submission.
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Black Cross: The Legendary weapon handed down to Jarek by an ancient monestary. The Black Cross takes the form of a bastard sword, pure black in color edged in slender diamonds. The Black Cross is able to cut through the strongest of metals when enough force is applied. The Black Cross is a special blade that allows Jarek to be at any place at any time.
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This bastard was made by Monks. It's a black beauty that is long and strong. It's even covered in diamonds so it can be stuck into anything.
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Heavens Wrath: The Special Ability of the Black Cross. The blade is able to cut through space and dimension to create a brief wormhole that allows him to travel to any location in sight. Due to the nature of the attack, others are not able to follow Jarek through the portal. Any place that has been visited by this maneuver is marked with an invisible tomoe that allows Jarek to return to that location at any time.
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When this one is thrust into a hole, that hole stays thrusted! Assy Mist marks these holes for future thrustage whenever he chooses to return.
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*Powers*
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What? He doesn't have enough already? He needs more???
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Enhanced Visual Perception: Years of physical and mental training improved Jarek's sight remarkably. When in battle, he is able to perceive things around him much quicker then normal people. His perception rate is 3x above human level; so he can kinda see things in slow motion. It's for this reason he gained the nickname "Hawkeye"
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Don't you mean 'alias?' Why not just embrace Assy Mist? I think Assy Mist is more suitable.
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Power Rank: 2> Probably grow to 3 at some point later on
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His prowess will grow with each poke. WE GET IT!
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Weaknesses: Aside from normal human weaknesses
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Acymist: [Heavens Call] > Though he can spawn many swords Acymist is power-wise the weakest of the three blades Jarek carries. The blades of Heaven's call can block and parry just like normal blades, but they have low durability and shatter like glass if stricken too hard. It carries good offensive measures and average defensive powers.
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Too much use and these blades get worn down and raw and need to be given a break before re-entry.
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Acideph: [Heavens Judgment] > Striking someone with the blade will cause them to go into brief mental shock. However the shock is very brief so it will not be able to do any long term damage to one's mind. The true use of this blade is kept for multiple onslaught attacks that could keep someone "locked" in the illusion, thus distorting their mind. Such an outcome would require multiple rapid and uninterrupted attacks. The blades power is neutralized when it hits one with psychic powers.
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The mindfucker is fucked when fucking with a fellow fucker.
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Personality:Jarek refers to himself as the greatest swordsman of the human race. He does not boast this ability. (What? He'll tell you he's the best and that's not boasting? In what universe?) Normally, he will appear to be very concise, not wanting to waste time on trivial matters or conversations. (This entire bio has been rather trivial so far.)
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**Alignment: Good > To be Neutral later
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He's a Gary Stoic. He doesn't have to tell you anything! He's just going to change and you're just going to have to deal.
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Now go get yourself a cup of coffee. This bio isn't even close to being over.
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History:Jarek "Hawkeye" Acimyst was born 300 years in England. From birth there was always something different about the boy. The most obvious feature that set him apart were his strange eyes. Doctors were bewildered and could not explain it. All through his life, Jarek exhibited strange qualities. His natural senses seemed to be attuned much higher then those of a normal human. His eyes were measured to have the same vision levels as a Hawk's, which gave birth to his nickname "Hawkeye" Having been born in a family of martial arts instructors, Jarek was taught self defense from the time he was able to speak. Albeit he displayed a natural talent for Martial Arts, Jareks specialty always seemed to be with swords. He had so much talent, he was trained with an advanced swordsman regimen, which focused primarily on training his body and mind. When he was 18, Jarek left home and began to travel the world studying the art of the sword, determined to become the very best.
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Dear me! I hate to cut through this concise bio to do the math. He was born 300 years ago (I assume that word was accidently left out) and yet he's 100 years old. Assy Mist must have forgotten his own claims this late in the bio. I know I almost missed it.
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Throughout his travels, Jarek found himself all over the globe, covering one style to another; studying each effectively until he had a general understanding of over a dozen different sword styles. While passing through Brazil studying the different methods to creating a Boukto; Jarek made a startling discovery. In the depths of the rain forest was a stone well, filled with a clear water. Having learn to read in Spanish from his teacher, he quickly deciphered that the water contained youth restoration properties. Upon drinking just a handful of the water, he gained a perpetual youth, and to date has not aged physically past the appearance of 24. The gifts he had been blessed with at birth continued to manifest and grow over time. Eventually, Jarek was able to swing a sword faster then the human eye could track. Recently, he has traveled back to the United States and is on his way through Jump City.
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The only thing missing is a tragic childhood. So far it seems he has advantage, talent, encouragement and copious amounts of cash. Is there nothing he can't do? Like, can he help me from not barfing onto Acimyst, Acymist or Assy Mist's durable/orthopedic shoes?

2 comments:

Freaklin Gout said...

Good god... where to start? This is one of the most craptacular bios you've ever posted. You could literally make a snide comment after every sentence in this hot mess. I'll hit some of the WTF moments:

• General Appearance: N/A
Next line: "Jarek appears to be quite intimidating from his appearance alone." WE WOULDN'T KNOW.

• Weaknesses: Let me get this straight. His only weakness is a sword that's slightly less powerful than his other 256 swords?

• "Jarek refers to himself as the greatest swordsman of the human race. He does not boast this ability." 8o|

• "Having been born in a family of martial arts instructors..." WOW! What are the odds?!?!? He is so lucky!

God, this guy is so perfect in every way. How could any hardship or trauma possibly befall him? Oh, that's right. It won't. This is the kind of Gary Stu who will come in to save the day and magically fix everyone's problems. In other words, Zzzzzzz....

PM said...

I love how he has to have three distinct swords (each more powerful than the last) to have different sword powers. One sword that he can channel different abilities through just isn't enough for Cockeye Assymist, no sirree bob. He has to expertly handle THREE hard, thrusting phallic weapons at once. It wouldn't surprise me if there was a little Freudian slippage going on here. XD