Sunday, October 19, 2008

"Clarysaa Louisa" Knows it All

As I've said before, rpgs and fanfiction often go hand in hand. Some rpg sites offer spots for fanfiction on their forums. Authors will post their fanfictions and put it up for the approval of other members. This happens the most when the rpg is based on a movie, TV show book. It's tempting to show others that have similar interests, what you've done with the established characters. I can't fault anyone for needing to get things like this out of their systems and asking others for their opinions.

But, of course, some fanfiction ideas are so stupid that you have to fault some authors for ever bearing their souls with these silly, pitiful stories. This author mixes Harry Potter and Hannah Montana into a very unholy crossover. But is that really bad enough? No! Let's add an original character who is more magical than Harry and a better singer than Hannah.

This is the story of "Clarysaa's Secret." Meet Clarysaa Louisa. That's pronounced 'Clah ri say Lou i say.' She is secretly a famous singer, although it's noted by the author that she's normal, and her real name is Serenity Karma. At the age of 16 she gets a mysterious letter from a school called Hogwarts. At this point in the Harry Potter timeline, we've just finished book 6 so the future of Hogwarts is uncertain and Harry is living with Ron's family as is Hermione.

I won't be showing off the entire fanfiction. I think your head would explode if I were to subject you everything. You can read it here if you dare but I warn you, it's a doozey! And if you are wondering why everyone praising this crap keeps saying, "PAMS!" that means Please Add More Soon. I, actually, found myself saying, "DAMN!" which means Don't Add More Now.

Serenity Karma smiled to herself as her father drove her into town one sunny morning. Her long, black hair flew out beside her as she turned the window down. She laughed, her blue eyes sparkling with delight.

'Hey! Roll that window back up little lady!' her father, David, ordered. Serenity turned to him, her eyebrows raised.

She rolled her eyes at his stern look and sighed, rolling the window back up. 'Dad,' she said. 'Where are you taking me anyway?'

David looked at her, his chocolate eyes twinkling mischeviously. 'You'll see,' he said, turning on the stereo. Serenity cocked her head to listen to it, then her favourite song came on.

'Hey, Dad!' she said. Her dad had always written songs. 'You wrote this song, remember?' she shouted, laughing again, and singing along to the words.

'You're always there for me when I need you most, you're always there for me cos we're so close, you're always there for me though you're a ghost, cos you've always been there for me,'

'Honey, when you left me, I was so alone, honey, when you left me, I was so depressed,' she began to sing, until David frowned and turned the stereo off.

So her dad writes dull, pointless songs. And the family dynamic is just like Hannah's: A dad, an older brother and no mother. Not only am I questioning this author's unoriginality, I'm asking how poorly thought out Hannah Montana is. It's sort of like visual crack with a baking soda filler.

Checking in with Harry Potter, we catch him in the middle of feeling sorry for himself when a song comes on the radio...

Harry sat up. He frowned at her voice. It was the best voice he'd ever heard sing, and that was saying something, because he could remember his mother singing to him when he was a child. It was only a faint memory, but he could vividly recall her voice. She had been amazing, never missing a note. But now this...Clarysaa sounded even better.

'Without you, I'm so dead
Without you, I'm trapped in my own head,
Within you, I'm so alive
Within you, in the water I dive
Don't leave ma gain, honey, dear one
Just please, stay, and listen to this song
You're my everything, and if I lose you,
I have nothing, so please tell me that you..."

Next we learn that everyone seems to think Clarysaa is way better than Hannah Montana. In a goofy radio interview, the host gushes all over Clarysaa and she acknowledges she's better but in a humble, modest yet giggly way. She doesn't want to make Hannah feel bad but too late. Hannah charges into the studio where the two girls eye each other up. Clarysaa is all shruggy and sugar sweet while Hannah is spitting nails.

Serenity starts attending Miley's school and they meet again. Miley, by this time, has become an unbalanced, raging bitch who attacks Serenity with a bowl of pasta while the poor Mary Sue was just trying to be friends. The fathers of the two girls decide the best way to end this feud is to make the girls perform together.

Meanwhile, Harry goes out and buys himself and his friends tickets to a Clarysaa Louisa/Hannah Montana concert. Might as well. Something has to help him get over the horrible deaths of Sirius and Dumbledore and what better way than to drown himself in the meaningless lyrics of not one but two incredibly screechy pop singers?

Harry looked at Ron and Hermione wacked his arm, hard.

'Ron,' she muttered, quietly.

'It's okay, Hermione. I'm over. I've stopped mourning. No point mourning till after I got rid of Voldemort is there? And the only way I can do that is to go back to school and learn more, isn't it? I would like it if Hogwarts did remain open. But I doubt it will,' Harry said, rather cheerfully.

'Wow, Harry, how come you're so cheerful now?'

'What? No reason. Do I have to have a reason?'

'Yes,' Ron and Hermione said in unison.

In some silly, contrived bit of crap, Miley and Serenity are forced to live together and reveal their secret identities to one another. Miley is so floored that she says she's sorry for being such a nasty, hateful, horrible, jealous, pasta-tossing whore and Serenity apologizes for being such a nice, sweet, popular, perfect Mary Sue. They hug and squee and things just might be okay for these two.

So the concert happens and it's awesome and fans are screaming and wetting themselves in glee as the two girls perform. Serenity peeks out into the audience and someone catches her eye...

This is it, Serenity thought.

She relaxed as the music started, and followed Miley in the moves as she turned around.Serenity's eyes hit on a boy with messy, black hair and emerald green eyes. She frowned, before noticing his friends. Two redheads, one male, one female, and another female with bushy, brown hair.

No. It can't be. What's he doing here?

Hermione is only smart enough to work out half of this moronic dribble:

'Hermione! Isn't that...doesn't that look like one of the Gryffindors?' asked Harry, gesturing towards Clarysaa.

Hermione looked up, and nodded.'Looks a lot like Serenity Karma. She left school last year. SHe never mentioned if she had a twin,' Hermione frowned. 'Wonder where Serenity is then?'

Oh! The wangst is going to kill me. SQUEE!

Harry gave up searching for Serenity after about half an hour after the concert had finished. He had been unable to find her, not knowing she was just behind the door for VIPs.

'Come on guys, let's get back to the Burrow.' Harry said, sighing, as he lead the way to the door behind the few fans who had hoped that Hannah and Clarysaa might come back out.

The others nodded and, as soon as they turned down a dimly lit alleyway, disapparated, apparating back to the Burrow.


Serenity let out a sigh of relief after about an hour where only VIPs had come through; she'd chickened out of going to talk to Harry and Miley had been unable to convince her to go back to their changing room as she had to be sure he'd left.

By the time she was, it was late and Miley had to peel her from the door and door the corridor to their changing room.

Hurridly changing, they were back at Miley's house and, as soon as their heads hit the pillows, they fell asleep.

And... that's the end. This is all this author could write before school took her away such a riveting story. We'll never know if Harry will fall in love with her, if they are brother and sister or if Voldemort will decide to steal Clarysaa away. I could have lost the plot of the story but if Hogwarts kind of sits in rubble now, who sent Serenity the letter and what exactly was it about if she was already enrolled as a student there? If she already has magic, why did she tolerate all the noodle-lobbing from Miley?

We still have a few more years of Harry Potter movies to go and more time to get Harry matched up with whatever new flavors of the day show up. I'm not looking but I expect somewhere out there someone has Harry, Hermione and Ron dancing and singing with the cast of High School Musical. I won't be bringing it to you because I like being sane.

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