That's My Name, Don't Take a Crap On It

I've only shown you a few scifi rpgs/bios so I dredged up another. This bio comes from an interesting forum where random rpgs are set up all the time. One person will start a thread with the scenario of the rpg and a bio form. Others who want to be a part of that rpg will reply with a bio and then when enough characters are available, the role playing game will start spontaneously. It's kind of cool. If you can keep it straight, you can be involved in several rpgs all on one site and each rpg will (ideally) come to a logical conclusion. When it's over, you just search out a new rpg. No big deal.

In this rpg, aliens came to Earth and accidentally made the human race sick. They try to help a small group of humans by giving them an extra circulatory system. This new race is called "Hemophoric" and their blood helped cure the human race but now some humans are addicted to these Hemophorics. These special humans are trotted around like whores... unless, of course, you are a Mary Sue who is wise, strong and just more awesome than someone awesome!

Name: Cadence Strong
Age: 16
Race/Species: Hemophoric
Side: anti-Hemophorin
Appearance: She has wavy red hair that ends just below her shoulders and light brown/golden-y eyes. (Golden-y eyes? No flecks? I feel cheated.) She usually wears autumn colors (yellow, orange, or red)(Great colors to where when one is hiding!) and sweatshirts/long-sleeved t-shirts or jeans (wears extra to cover up her second circulatory system, which, like a regular person can see their veins, people can see). Average height and weight, and because she’s athletic she’s strong and fit. Very friendly looking. (She's a little Kawaii: spazzy and childish. She's not at all effected by her circumstances because she barely understands them.)

Personality: Outgoing and laid-back, she’s quite the opposite of her best friend, Amelia. She doesn’t care what people think of her, much to Amelia’s dismay. She can keep a secret very well (more about that later) and is very ambitious. She has the same desire to prove herself as Amelia does, but for an entirely different reason. Hides behind a mask of joviality, is actually angry and disgusted with herself. (Oh! She is emo Kawaii. That's hard to pull off.)

Biography: Her parents were killed because they both had the extra circulatory system (they both dealt in the market for awhile, but wanted out because they didn’t want to get their daughter involved in it, too; no one knows what happened to their bodies – and NO, I’m not planning on having them show up surprisingly and say "Oh, no, we weren’t really killed" so don’t worry, they really are dead). (This doesn't get her out of being a Mary Sue. I'll deduct half a point.) She went to the same orphanage as Amelia and both were adopted by families in the same town. Her adoptive parents don’t know about her second circulatory system because she’s learned to hide it so well, but she’s always trying to prove that she isn’t like the rest of the hemophorics. She wants to prove that she can overcome the general prejudice of them. (I'm already prejudiced about the way she is. She's lively, smart, bouncy, athletic, friendly and drop dead gorgeous. But that's just a Mary Sue. I hate to point out that overcoming a prejudice about being a hemophoric means telling everyone what she is. Oops!)

Powers: Slight enhanced senses, or whatever the hemophorics can do. (The author didn't even pay attention to the premise of the story? That's a very bad sign.) Perhaps each should be particularly adept in only one certain area; for example, one hemophoric has a very sharp sense of smell. In that case, her special sense would be hearing. (Oh... now we are rewriting the premise to suit ourselves?) Also, very athletic and involved in sports. (Also, very pathetic and involved with dorks.)

Weaknesses: Chocolate milk. No, I’m not joking – she’s allergic to it but loves it (how can you NOT love chocolate milk?). (For real? She's gonna do that? Some fancy schmancy hemophoric is lactose intolerant? A glass of chocolate milk will bring her down? It's her kryptonite?) Also, very sensitive when it comes to her heritage. (Yeah! Don't hate her because she's awesome!) Because she has good hearing, loud noises frighten her, really hurt her ears, and make her a bit deaf sometimes (like if you suddenly see a really bright light, it takes your eyes some time to adjust). (So Mariah Carey is also her kryptonite?) Deathly afraid of worms. (She gonna be the worm face! But seriously, this chick has no actual weaknesses.) Doesn’t like addicts to hemophorin. (Again, some chocolate milk, loud noises, a handful of fishing bait and some harsh words will make her sweat? Nothing will actually beat her if she's attacked. The sheer power of her Mary Sueness will protect her from everything.)

~~~

Worms are very scary and dangerous, mind you. Just so you know. They're slimy and evil and I'm sure they're trying to take over the world. (Aw, damn, she's a cutesy little emo, Kawaii, scifi teenager. I hope she brings up her irrational fear of night crawlers a lot for comedy relief. I really do.)

Writing profiles is very fun. Get a chance to exercise my writing skills, and it's something to do when you've got writer's block. (You know what's also great for writer's block? Obstacles. Sure, you have the whole "afraid to show your identity" thing but beyond that, it doesn't mean crap if that character isn't in any danger of being exposed. Danger is conflict which is a thing stories need. Standing around and being cutesy and untouchable gets old real fast.)

Just like the vampire who hates being a vampire, this chick seeks to straddle both sides of the conflict. Her character has a bubble around her that keeps her away from any real plot development. This story didn't last long but she spent most of it speaking in baby talk to her friend Amelia. The real action centered around the people who actually did want to put their characters on the line, expose them to threats and take some blows. Not skip around and be wonderful.

Cadence, I chose you for your name and you have sorely let me down. The next Cadence I find better have some balls.

Anime is Here to Stay... er... Stink

I don't like anime. You may have noticed. It gives me a general skeevy feeling everytime I see those giant eyes and impossible hair that anime characters have. Someday I might try to sneak into an anime rpg just to see what this creepy underbelly of rpg culture is like. Before I do and, perhaps, before you do, here are some terms to be aware of:

Bishounen: (Or Bishonen) This means "beautiful boy." This is when a male character is very feminized. He may be homosexual or just very girly. A character like this is often very smart, creative and sexual but not usually in an aggressive or offiensive way. But do not be mistaken: Gary Stu's run this category. They are all terribly witty and have martial arts abilities. The Mary Sue equivalent is "Bishoujo" even though it's redundant because Mary Sues are always beautiful.

Chanslash: (Also known as 'shouta' or 'shota') The word "chan," used as a suffix, is an affectionate Japanese term for children. When coupled with the word "slash," it means underage sex. Both or one of the characters involved in sexual activities is a child and they can be horribly graphic. Normal slash communities tend to find this stuff offensive and encourage those involved to clearly mark that a story or rpg contains chanslash but you may not find it until you stumble into it.

Ecchi: In Japanese, this is how the letter 'H' is pronounced. 'H' as in Hentai. It's a wink, wink, nudge, nudge way of getting around this word.

Henshin: The act of turning into a magical alter ego. Your dull character of Elsie Horace puts on a magical necklace and her mousy, brown hair and hazel eyes disappear and she turns in Mary Sue with waste length blonde tresses and shimmering, purple eyes and she can fight crime with her rapier wit and sharp katana.

Hentai: This refers to extremely kinky sex and horrific levels of porn. Perhaps porn that even the most seasoned of horndogs might shudder at. Also called "tentacle porn," like chanslash, this stuff should always be clearly marked but isn't always. Participants in hentai can be gay, lesbian, straight, young, old, human, vampire, dog, cat, squid, alien, plant, park bench, resident of Delaware or whatever sort of filthy kink combinatination you can come up with.

Ketsuekigata: This means a universal knowing of what someone is all about based on knowing just their blood type. I was going to make fun of this because I assumed it was just a comic book thing but it is taken seriously in Japan. Have a look here! Then again, when you calculate all the possibilities such as vampire, werewolf or whatever blood, you get a whole new set of rules that make this theory lame.

Lemon: This refers to a porn-heavy level of hentai. This is the hardcore stuff that will blow your mind.

Lime: This is a mild level of hentai that might be okay for some audiences. More stuff is suggested or happens "offscreen." There's still sex but it's mentioned in a PG-13 way.

Yaoi: Male on Male action! HoYay! Harry/Draco, Draco/Ron, Ron/Neville, Hagrid/Dobby, Angel/Spike, Warren/Andrew, Kirk/Spock, House/Cameron, Charlie/Sawyer, Edward/Jasper, J.D./Turk, Tony/Silvio... You get the idea, right?

Yuri: Female on Female action! Hermione/Luna, Buffy/Willow, Britney/Christina, Bella/Esme... and so on.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. Anime is a strange and silly world and the stranger and sillier it gets, the more insane the sexual situations are. More definitions are on the way though it may kill me to look at more of this crap.

All That Glitters Is Just Pyrite

"Description Chin length brown hair, that has natural red highlights in it. Brown eyes with gold flecks."

So why gold flecks? They make a Sue or Stu glittery and sparkly. When she or he looks at you with those shimmery eyes, it's hard to look away because her beauty or his handsomness is so overwhelming. Perhaps those eyes are intriguing or romantic. Eyes with gold flecks in them may indicate a magical and mysterious lineage that makes them all the more awesome and unique than those around them... assuming, of course, that all the Mary Sues and Gary Stus around don't attempt the same level of awesome and uniqueness by also having goldeny flecky eyes. Would a Sue ever do that?

*Note how the hair is often highlighted as well. Yikes!

"Appearance: Blue eyes with green and gold flecks, Black hair with blue and gold highlights, tan skin, birthmark on neck-- wraps around and looks like a dragon,"

"His eyes are soft brown, with golden flecks that come out in the right light, giving him a predatory appearance in a way."

"Hair Color: Brown with blond bangs
Eye Color: Hazel with gold flecks"

"She has wavy, uneven, lower-back length, black hair into which beads and feathers are braided with eye length bangs. Her eyes are bright emerald green with gold flecks. She has slightly tanned skin, and a lean lithe yet well-gifted body from wearing little and hunting in the top foliage of the trees."

"Tall, taller than Galadriel or any female Elf, with perfect porcelain skin (luminous, clear, and pasty white), LONG (down to her ankles) luxurious golden hair that always seems to be flowing in the wind, and amethyst eyes with golden flecks, brighter than the stars. Sometimes TOO bright (they glow in the dark)."

"Her hair is a rich red, with streaks of gold in the heavy waves. The eyes are grey-blue with gold flecks, large and lashed thickly with brown lashes."

"Appearance: Very black hair, very green eyes, with gold flecks in them. Very handsome."

"Skin: Naturally pale, with a golden tan in the summer
Eyes: Amber with gold flecks"

"His eyes are sky-blue with golden flecks presenting themselves around the edges of his irises"

"So I promptly changed my form into what I was told my kin the sun elves look like: deep bronze skin, shiny black hair, no demon wings, and black eyes with gold flecks."

"She was always so beautiful when she laughed: her face lit up, her dimples shown, and the gold flecks in her eyes danced like stars in a sea of chocolate brown. She was breathtaking."

"His eyes were black with golden flecks in them, framed by his dirty blonde hair."

"Appearance: copper hair, emerald green eyes w/ gold flecks, slender, worn clothing
sorry, i'm sure u don't need another elf, so if u want me to be another race, let me know."

"Description: Longish brown hair, always braided. Brown eyes laced with bright gold flecks that glow when she uses her powers or when her emotions are on overdrive."

"Her eyes are green with golden flecks, encased inside a black ring that defines her eyes"

"Eye Colour: Dark green, with gold flecks.
Physical Mannerisms: Wears a tribal charm made of bones and feathers around his neck for no apparent reason."

"Looks: She has layered long brown hair with natural high-lights throughout. Her eyes are a similar color of brown with small gold flecks in them which make them resemble her hair even more."

"Her body became that of a tiger, golden with deep black stripes, her eyes became wider, a deep green with gold flecks, her hands and feet changed to massive paws; her mouth protruded and when she opened it to growl at him, she bared her very sharp teeth."

"Gold flecks in his green orbs caught the sun through the window and sparkled like amber and emerald."

"looking over her with emerald optics that seemed to glimmer. If you were close enough, you might be able to see tiny gold flecks in the irises... He blinked."

"Her paws are a bit on the darker side, with her long claws nearing a yellowish color. Akash's eyes are a liquid brown type, with golden flecks here and there."

"Looks: Palimino, stunning purple eyes with silver and gold flecks"

"Hair color: White w/ Electrum frosting
Eye Color: Violet with gold flecks
Skin Color: Creamy"

"Fine silver hair, fair skin (gold undertones), intense brown eyes with gold flecks"

Physical Description: Faythe is 5’4" with a slim, but muscular figure. She has long, dark brown, wavy hair with hot pink highlights. Her eyes are brown with gold flecks and a gentle face."

"Appearance: Greenish tan hair, long in the front and short in the back. His eyes are a sharp gray with gold flecks in his right eye around the pupil."

"Mirari's eyes are a changeable hazel green, speckled with gold flecks -- although it's not really recommended to get that up-close-and-personal with her. She might bite you. They waver between green, grayish, teal, and a sort of mingled green-brown-gold randomly."

Here's another addition to the Unfortunate Typo Files: (Sometimes spellchecker can bite you right in the ass!)

"Hazel dug into her pocket and pulled out a few heresy kisses. She then proceeded to jam them into her mouth chipmunk style. When Hazel was upset or stressed, she tended to eat chocolate by the handfuls. Suddenly remembering her manners, she dug several more out and held them out to Josh."

Forks you! See what you've LaPushed me to?

A few days ago I saw the movie "Twilight." That was my first introduction to this series of books by Stephanie Meyers. This movie is currently all I know about the series and, I must say, it's all I need to know. I am utterly disappointed about what vampires have become. Sparkly in sunlight? They go to high school? Some even go around biting the prettiest and poutiest humans so they can join the leagues of pretty and pouting vampires that walk the Earth?

This series is hideous! Every canon character is a damned Sue! They are all good looking and all have some deeply sad background. Can you imagine what the original characters must look like if the canons are this bad?

Imagine no more! Here are some of the Sues I found in only one Twilight rpg. These are all 10 diffent Sues that appeared in only the first page (1 of 9) of an Accepted Character section. Some are long. I guess it's difficult to contain all the tragedy in a few lines.

1. "when angel was five his mom and him were taking a walk through the woods when all of a sudden they were attacked by about 3 wolves. they killed his mom and were about to finish him of when his father arrived and drove them away. he was all heeled up when his father noticed that he was changed. Angel had to move because people were getting a bit suspicious were he used to live."

Full name: Angel Chaos. Orientation: Bi. Looks Like: Alex Evans. Cadence: Not kidding.

2. "Serene's Parents are cold-hearted, and not wanting there own child, sent her away. They put up with Angel for as long as they could. But finally sent her to earth to live with Serene and Serene's Aunt. Angel doesn't know how her parents died, but their memory seems to haunt her."

She's a light angel and her avatar is anime. Does Twilight even have angels? Fuck Twilight if they do. It's worse than I thought.

3. "After her brother's death, several relatives came to watch Felicity while her parents were busy with their work. Particularly, an uncle, who made Felicity so uncomfortable, she would sneak away before he woke up. Because of this, she was beaten and locked into her room. Felicity learned to keep things inside, and now struggles with letting out her emotions."

Appearence (It mocks itself): "Her face usually has an air of mystery about it, as though she is concealing her thoughts and feelings."

4. "When she was 3 was when she first turned into a cat that was when her life and family all fell apart. That night her father out of anger murdered her mother cut her to bits and buried her in the woods. For years after her father brutally abused her After all those years of abuse she became quiet and shy. One day she had enough after he lashed her than had the audacity of talking about her mother in a rude way like she was trash she had enough. She turned into a cheetah and ripped him to shreds throwing them into the ocean once that was taken care of she built a grave marker where her mother’s remains were."

Appearance: Aside from being scarred by her father, "Her eyes are an odd shade of dark purple that are full of care and sometimes a glint of sorrow."

5. "Recently Adenn left home after his family was attacked by a vampire that had hunted them down, the Vampire slaughtered his mother and father, aswell as most of the livestock they kept, Adenn had barely gotten away before he fell victim to the Vampire, though he suffered injuries."

Personality: "Blinded by rage when provoked" I'm losing track of all the dead parents. This is a lesson: Mama's don't let your sons grow up to be Stus by getting yourself killed by a vampire.

6. "Then one day when she was about 7 tragedy struck and it struck hard. She was coming home from school one day noticing her mother wasn't home like usual...instead there were two cop cars in front of the house. She went it kind of scared as she forced her to sit down and they told her the story. Her mother was found sprawled on the ground bloody and beaten on the side of the road. She was the one who had to tell the rest of her family.....Ater that her brother disappeared on her 8th birthday causing her father to sink into a deeper depression. He then turned to drinking and smoking to save him from himself. Her sister was never around so she had to take the beatings.....literally. She still has the scars and bruises from those days. One day her father called her into the living room where he sat with a gun. She felt afraid for her life until she watched her dad shoot himself in the head with his prized .44."

Appearance: "very curvaceous in all of the right spots earning her the title of most hated girl by every girl in the high school" and "back length raven black hair that has different colored streaks in it form one day when she got bored.,her hair is also slightly curly but usually cascades in waves around her face framing it like and angel." Cadence: Currently puking.

7. "Aurora was born into a wealthy family in Forks. Due to unknown reasons, her entire family died when she was young. Local police believe it was a sort of sickness that spread through family genes. The truth, however, was that her family had vampire blood. Back in 1680, Aurora's great great great great (etc) grandmother married a vampire. This blood has branched out over the many generations and Aurora was left with next to none; thankfully."

Appearence: "She's thin towards the anorexic state but not too much. It especially shows on her thin, long legs." It's awesome to have legs like an anorexic! They're so hot!

8. "Not long after Seriyah was born, Dezerah died of blood loss. Jason was devestated, but held on for two more years, signing out mysterious papers before taking his own life."

Appearance: "Seriyah's eyes are a uellow-hazel, although they are often described as gold. Her hair is quite at odds with the rest of her body, but no less beautiful, seeming to fit in with this fair creature. Her long straight hair, from birth, has always been very light blond, nearly white in bright sunlight. Platinum blond. A birth 'defect,' if you will." (Insert blonde joke here.)

9. "I fell unconsious at Dr. Carlisle Cullen's front door. He took me in and the next thing I knew, my eyes were red, and besides that I was the beautiful thing I seen. I thank him to this day for saving my life, and led me down the path of not killing humans. I have never drank human blood before. I only hunt animals."

She's anime, has wings and her name is Stephanie Cullen. Is this Stephanie Meyers doing a little wishful thinking...

10. "Admiranda was conceieved by her human mother, and after her birth she was briefly taken care of by her father for a few weeks. He left her in the care of his sister, placing a small white teddy bear in her arms as she slept. She awoke in a strange house, in the arms of her aunt Cleo, who eventually told her that her father had been killed by the Volturi(he had succeeded in what Edward attempted in New Moon)."

A secret organization kept her hostage and hurt her when she was bad so she's scarred. Her last name is Cadence. I want to cry.

Like I said, this all came from Page 1. There exists 8 more pages just like it in this rpg alone. I fear all Twilight rpgs suffer from this shit and I put full blame on the author, the publishers, the movie makers and all the fangirls who promote this garbage. I'm afraid to look into the wallowing abyss of anymore Twilight rpgs. I probably will, though, because they write my blog for me.

Howling Mad at Wolfspeak

I have already mentioned that I don't get furries. They creep me out and I don't role play with them but I can still recognize Mary Sue assy-ness when I see it. Here is an issue I found in a forum that lists role playing games in a Wal-Mart sort of way. An owner of a wolf rpg was complaining about how flowery the language in wolf rpgs is getting. Others from a horse and other assorted furry forums agree that this language is annoying and those who do it must think they sound intelligent. The problem is, no one truly knows what anyone is talking about anymore.

This language shows up in rpgs I am in when werewolves show up. If this language shows up in a non-wolf/furry rpg, you can imagine how damn awful it is to try and decipher for those of us who have chosen not to role play in that genre.

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After reading a general list, I can only speculate that if you're a Wolfy Sue, you don't even have the same general body parts that normal people and animals do, nor the same genders. Here's a rundown of what I mean:

aud, audit, auditory, satalite, twin towers, caves, high-wires: ear
banner, brush, flag, streamer, tassel: tail

barrel: body
brujo/brute, mascu: male
crania/cranium, crown, dial, thinking box, tiara: head

fatale, fae, fay, fea, fem, femme, femora, alphess, alphena, vixen: female

flints, daggers, knives, ivories: claws/teeth
kissers: lips

juggler: throat
maw: mouth

mug, velveteen: muzzle
nape: neck
nare: nostril

occuli/oculi, optics, orbs, spheres, headlights, pools, lanterns: eyes

pillar, pistion: leg
talon, mitt, mitten, pad: hoof or foot

The list goes on when you get into pack order and wolf mythology but I'm not that interested in knowing more. This is enough to make me ill. I can feel the bile rising into my maw.

If you plan on doing this in an rpg, actually do some research and see if this language is used by others or if you're just amusing yourself. Using a language that no one else is will quickly help the members and staff decide if you are awesome and creative or pretentious and silly. In most cases, they won't be impressed because if they aren't doing it, there's probably a good reason. Most likely they find this nonsense unbearable or they genuinely don't get it and don't want to be bothered with it.

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Just mesh into the rpg by doing what everyone else is doing. It's the best way to make everyone happy. Keep your high-wires open, your optics wide and use your tiara. Everyone around you will be glad you did.

Boyfriend Stu

This Gary Stu was written by a girl to be the perfect man. He's strong yet gentle, good looking yet humble and young but responsible beyond his years. This character is destined to be a two-dimensional girl magnet because he's not sexually offensive in any way. As much as Gary Stus usually tend to be nothing but a penis or bisexual emos, they are also like this guy:

Name: Callister Reed

Race: Human

Guild: Fighter

Age: 17

Gender: male

Eye Color: His right eye is a piercing ice blue while his left eye is a lively bright green.

So he looks like he has a lazy eye, then? Seriously, piercing and lively, icy and bright, blue and green? Choose one trait and sticks with it. Don't just go with everything because you feel insecure making him one type.

Hair Color: dark brown

Orientation: heterosexual

At least he's not a happy-go-lucky yet gloomy bisexual. The author chose one orientation and stuck to it!

Appearance: Callister is a youg pale skinned man with a strong slightly angled jaw and a piercing stare (Well, just his right eye, remember?). He has short inch and a half long dark brown hair that is straight and neatly trimmed. His right eye is a piercing ice blue while his left eye is a lively bright green. (His right eye wants to go out bowling but his left eye wants to watch movies with subtitles.) He is meticulously clean shaven and he has very fine body hair. He has a wiry build and a strong but agile frame. Callister is never seen without his dark green, many pocketed great coat. underneath that he has a chainshirt and plated leather pants. (He chafes a lot!) He weilds a no-dachi with a claymore hilt and handle that was given to him as an inheritance when he died. (Huh? He inherited a sword when he died? I can't wait to see what I get when I kick the bucket.) He wears thick steel plated leather boots and fingerless leather gloves. He also, more commonly weilds two long-bladed double-edged kukris that he got for his fifthteenth birthday and he is very well practiced in their use. He has a large traveler's backpack filled with everything he will need on the road. (His toothbrush and toilet paper.)

Personality: Callister is a very spry and intuitive teenager. He uses an inherit instinct when fighting and his will to survive is unmatched. He likes to socialize and tries to make friends when he can, and defends his friends with his life. (So he's both dead and living? Jeez! Now we're back to being a touch of everything.) For the most part he is too shy to seriously get into a relationship but he does talk when spoken to. He can talk to girls, he just can't neccessarily ask them out on a date per say. (Don't let this fool you. It just means he's safe. He's respectful towards girls and won't push sex. Callister will also be content to hold hands on a porch swing and talk for hours on end.) He holds grudges only when the person is a complete scumbag and he has a high moral code that gives him a drive to protect and fight for that which he cares for. (Like beautiful damsels that he's nervous to talk to.)

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Likes: Callister likes sparring, socializing with friends, girls (but he usually doesn't act on it), good food, and tea

He likes swords, twister, pizza and oolong.

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Dislikes: snobs, know-it-alls, lechers, down right scumbags, slavery of any kind, masojanists, feminists, etc....

Yeah, feminists ruin everything what with their wanting to vote, hold the same jobs as men for the same pay, mystiques, Ally McBeals, gynocritisism, NOW, bell hooks, using birth control, herstories, Sex and the Cities, Riot Grrls, Playgirls, sexual harassment laws and lactivism. They make masojanists look anjelic.

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Hobbies: sparring, card games

He likes Old Maid and if you try calling it something more PC he'll just walk away and find someplace quiet to play with his sword.

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Biography: Callister was raised in a very warrior based family. His father was an esteemed general and died in battle to save his men. Callister always looked up to his father and wanted to make him proud, but he didn't want to be exactly like his father. (I see. His dad died. That's what Callister meant about inheritance. I was still worried Callister was an upright, mindless stiff as well as being dead.) He got into fights alot when he was a kid, mostly he was defending a weaker kid who was being bullied, and he was kind of popular, kind of not. (Oi! He was a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll too.) When he turned thirteen he recieved his father's ancestral sword. The blade was always sharp and withstand a hammer blow without a scratch. It had a secret power that callister needed to grow up more to access and he decided to practice relentlessly with the blade. (As a child he could always be found clutching his nodachi.) Lather he received a pair of well crafted doyuble edged three foot long kukris that he found he favored as a common weapon (he saved the great blade for harder battles). (It just thrusts better when things are harder.)

This author has left lots of room for this character to be molded into perfect boyfriend material. He's sensitive yet strapping, boyish yet virile, cute yet modest. He's the perfect non-threatening package to any young woman. He's ready to be taught what love is even though he is unrealistically unaware that intercourse exists. Just make him put down his sword, look deep into his freakish eyes and don't burn any bras.

Mary Sue Jokes: Part Two

One day a rancher was standing at the side of the penned up field when a woman walked up to him. "Hi," she said. "I'm Mary Sue and I want to go into this field." He shook his head. "I'm sorry, miss, but you shouldn't do that." Mary Sue's eyes turned from blue to deep green because she was upset. She flipped her glossy auburn over her shoulder and put her hands on her hips. "I am Mary Sue. I will go into that field and brush my horse. She only trusts me and no one else. You will kindly step out of my way and let me into this field" The rancher could only nod and move out of her way. Mary Sue walked into the field and started to call for her horse. She disappeared behind some trees but then quickly came running out with an angry bull chasing her.

"Quick!" The rancher yelled, "Tell him you're Mary Sue!"

***

Why do Mary Sues wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.

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What's the mating call of a Mary Sue?
I think I'm drunk!

***

Mary Sue suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she went out and bought a gun. She went to his apartment and found him in the arms of another woman. Mary Sue was as angry as she was that time vampires killed her parents so she took the gun out of her purse. Shaking with tears, she put the gun to her head. Her boyfriend yelled "No, honey, don't do it." Mary Sue replied "Shut up, you're next!"

***

How is Mary Sue like a doorknob?
Everyone gets a turn.

***

Mary Sue was thrilled when her doctor told her she was pregnant. She could derive lots of drama from this by crying all the time and keeping her boyfriend at her side all the time, not to mention the possibility of getting her baby kidnapped all the time. She was about to cheer when a frown crossed her normally sullen face. "What's wrong?" The doctor asked. She held onto his arm and buried her face in his chest and asked, "But is it mine?"

***

What does a screen door and a Mary Sue with a traumatic past have in common?
The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

***

Mary Sue was telling a Gary Stu a joke about a guy who was emotionless, carried a lot of awesome swords, knew kung fu, used advanced magic and couldn't remember his past. Halfway through, Gary Stu interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm a Gary Stu?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," Mary Sue apologizes, "Do you want me to start over and talk slower?"

Eyes Pick

I was once a part of an rpg where three different Mary Sues were using eyes as avatars. They all ended up in a thread together. I followed it for a while, not because I cared about the thread but I wanted to see who would win the Battle of the Mary Sue Eyeballs.

This practice of using eyes comes about because eyes are the windows to the soul. They express what the author wants you to know about their characters. Also, it's a quick fix if you just can't find the right actress to play your character.

I went to a few avatar sites that had entire sections devoted just to eyeballs, picked a few and posted them here to show you what you can expect if you see these Sues staring back at you.

She's a bad ass bitchiwitch. She has been studying Dark Arts since she was a fetus. She's angry at the world and she lives in a Slytherin-phobic society. She believes she has every right to be as hateful as she is. She thinks there is nobility in her blind hatred. The only joy she gets in life is ruining Ravenclaws, hurting Hufflepuffs, gravely injuring Gryffindors and even slaying fellow Slytherins.

She wants- no, NEEDS to be Draco Malfoy's girlfriend. She hopes one day, if she hangs around him long enough, he will see how she is his perfect mate. She's incomplete without him. She likes what he likes and hates what he hates. She is totally the yin to his yang because she was designed that way.

She's the most vomit-inducing Sparklypoo you could ever meet. She's awesome at everything she does. She's friends with everyone. Everyone wants to be her. She's so caring as a friend, she wishes everyone could be like her even though it would be impossible. She can read your inner-monologue and know how to fix your problem. She even smells good. She sings like an angel. Woodland creatures love her.

She's so nasty, she'll make faces at you. She'll jeer at every move you make. She wants you to feel bad. She's only hiding how deeply pained she is. As much as she wants you to think she hates you, she really needs you to chase her down and teach her how to love again. Even if everything about her screams, "Get away!", what she is really saying is, "Hug me!"

No, she hasn't been stuffed into a freezer. She's ethereal. Her skin glistens because she is not of this world. Her race is mysterious, ancient, eternal and forever. She knows everything because she's seen it all. She transcends Earthly beauty with her azure-ity. Men dig blue chicks.

She's been hurt badly. She's been used, abused, misused, refused and bruised. She cries frequently. Most of the time the reason why is only obvious to her. She's afraid of many things. She needs tons of people around her but not one of them can really help her. She relives her past traumas a lot. Her tears will dampen every story she touches.

She's looking for love and she'll accept anyone or anything. She's the perfect girlfriend. She happens to have a lot in common with your character. Even if she doesn't, she'll do anything you want her to do. She wants to know everything about you. She is your shadow. She's ready and willing to sleep with you. Don't ever let her go. Never. Not ever. She needs you and you have no where to run to.

She's quirky, crazy, sassy, sarcastic, smug and eccentric. She's out there. Sometimes she barks like a dog. She wears tshirts that say snotty things on them. She says she doesn't care what others think of her. She isn't afraid to look foolish which is good because she always does. She finds herself very amusing. She's a danger to herself and others. Don't dare her to stick a pencil in her eye. She'll do it!

Grand Ol' Aubrey!

Mary Sues have a lot of names they cling too. I've found that Aubrey is one of them because it means "Elf Ruler." Get an author with a baby name book and you have a Mary Sue who thinks she rules. Yuck. You'll notice a few Gary Stu's mixed in here also. They want to get in on the being cooler than something cool also.

"Name - Aubrey Jones [only because Athena is retarded. + I forgot a last name at first lol.]"

"La de da I'll keep my name cause Aubrey means: *da da daaa* Leader of the elves!! Muahahaha So I'll be an elf. And my weapon.... I'll get back to you on that. ;)"

"Name: Aubrey Watkins
Age: 15
Bio: Short but has the highest jump, did piano for 7 years and still does it, singing is a big part of her life, her family is well known and very very rich and is best friends with Cora Roberts"

"Character's Full Name: Aubrey Zane Rowan
Nickname: A.Z.; Aubs; or something spontaneous and vulgar (usually called by his kiwi friends)"

"full name: Aubrey Hoshiko Maxwell (meaning: "Bright Star Child of the Great Spring")
nickname: Aubs"

"Aubrey Torraine[Obb-ree Tore-ane]portrayed by Mischa Barton"

"Name: Aubrey.
Gender: Female.
Age: 200 yrs.
Race: Elven."

"Aubrey isn’t the typical Slytherin.Most people like her because of her magnetic personality, including Slytherin's very own Draco Malfoy. She has formed an interest in Draco and hopes that he returns the feelings, but no matter what she will always be there for him and all of her other friends."

"Bio: Aubrey is a Felion werebeast. In this she has better senses then some, she's loyal to the leader she's following and would die from them."

"Name: Aubrey Age: 15
Which Faction do you prefer? Ninja, but I'm going with pirate this time, matey."

"Name: Aubrey Alderdon
Personality: Very shy....but can be outspoken.... kind.... good sence of humor... very poetic... can be very mean if you push the wrong buttons..."

"Name: Aubrey "Bree" Chalmers
Age: 18 [+ 64]
Gender: female
Race: vampire"

"First name:Aubrey
Last name:Mejia
History: She was raised at their beautiful mansion, there she learned everything she could, until now where her parents are proud as she enrolled."

"Aubrey is tall, slender, handsome and one look at him will tell others that he is elegant and with pride. He likes to dress in black suits that contrasts his pale skin and red-brown eyes. His hair is colored like ebony and soft like silk. He fits well with the wealthy and the women adore him."

"Personality: Aubrey says what most people are thinking, but she rarely speaks."

"Power: Aubrey has the power of Psionic Blast. Her ability overloads her opponent’s mind causing pain, memory loss, or sometimes loss of consciousness."

"Name: Aubrey Telethorwin
Gender: Female
Age: 26, actually 630"

"Aubrey’s most distinguishing characteristics are her intelligence and her silence. Brilliant is not the word for this girl; it doesn’t do her credit at all. She has a natural intelligence about her which is only enhanced by her dilligent studying and her photographic memory."

"Aubrey stands in front of the woods entrence as fog starts to roll in, making it look very mysterious to almost anyone that would see something like this."

"Name: Aubrey (last name unknown)
Nickname: Aub
Species: Ebonite (still an alien from another planet)
Eye Color: Dark brown and the both eyes turns black when he's ticked off or using mental powers"

"Avatar~
Name: Aubrey nicole Snow
Model Name: Ashlee Simpson"

"Name: Aubrey Ilyana Lennox
House: Gryffindor
Year: 6th"

"PROFILE: Aubrey has always been known as the good girl. She does everything right, hates the thought of being in trouble, and somehow always manages to claim the title of 'know-it-all.' Is it her fault she has a photographic memory and actually enjoys learning?"

"Aubrey has a certain Potions Affinity, gained from her extraordinare father. She excells in most of her classes and tries hard to acheive good grades for the most part. Aubrey's an amazing singer as well and sometimes finds herself belting out songs she's written or she's heard from such favorites in her wizarding community."

"Name: AubreyAge: 18
Animal: Dog
Appearance: Longish black hair (up to his chin). Black eyes. Pale. God, he looks like Trent Reznor."

"For one, Aubrey is a singing genius. From the age of four she’s demonstrated extraordinary abilities with music and though her parents encouraged her to try quite a bit of things as a child it didn’t take long for the young girl to settle on singing. "

"Charakter: Mit ihrem Dickkopf steht Aubrey ihrem Zwillingsbruder Scott in nichts nach, manchmal ist sie vielleicht sogar ein wenig schlimmer als er. Ansonsten geht sie gerne offen auf alles Neue und besonders Menschen zu. Sie redet auch gerne und viel, versucht sich aber immer in Grenzen zu halten. Mit ihrem Bruder ist sie an sich immer ein Herz und eine Seele, wobei sie sich wie jedes Geschwisterpaar auch mal in die Haare kriegen, aber sie hält es immer nicht lange aus sauer auf ihn zu sein, auch wenn sie es gerne möchte. Sie kann es nämlich nicht leiden, dass Scott ihr immer wieder hinterher spioniert, wenn sie mal eine Verabredung hat und er wissen will, wer der Kerl ist. Wobei sie ihm auch immer wieder gerne hinterher spioniert, wenn er ein date hat, aber sie macht es nicht um ihm dann danach einen Vortrag zu halten, dass die ‚Auserwählte’ gar nicht zu ihm passt. Weiteres im Rpg"

Need some help understanding this last one? Here is what babelfish says:

"A character: With its thick head Aubrey is inferior to its twin brother Scott in nothing, sometimes is perhaps even worse it a little than it. Otherwise it goes gladly openly toward all new one and particularly humans. It talks also gladly and much, tries however always within limits to hold. With its brother it is actually always a heart and a soul, whereby it holds itself like each pair of brothers and sisters also times into the hair wars, but it it it to be always not for a long time out sour, even if it liked it gladly. She cannot suffer it that Scott it again and again spied afterwards, if she has times an appointment and he wants to know, who the chap is. Whereby it spies also again and again it gladly afterwards, if it has a DATE, but it makes it not over for it thereafter a lecture to then hold that "chose ' it at all does not fit. Further in the Rpg"

The Purple Eyes of Awesomeness

As you've all seen by now, eyes are very important to Sues. They represent a Sues deepest feelings like sadness over the fangy deaths of their parents, pride that they rule over all other characters, knowledge beyond their years along with an unrealistic attaining of said knowledge and finally the ability to be mysterious and sexy while not having to clearly define how any of that is possible.
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This is the same with purple eyes. Yes, purple eyes show up everywhere. Purple is the color of royalty and Sues parade themselves around like they are just that. Here is a list I put together after a quick Google search. You'll notice this is just purple and not all the nauseating varieties like violet, lavender, grape, hyacinth, iris, bittersweet nightshade, larkspur, lilac, mauve, periwinkle, indigo, plum, twilight, Virginia bluebell, wisteria blue, pimpernel and so on. Are you sick yet? We've just started:

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"Lucid femme with pale purple eyes and sun-lit tabby markings."
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"Here I am: Name: Ayu Age: 15 Looks: Long blond hair, purple eyes."
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"her purple eyes a nice warm shade, her purple hair in a ponytail and a couple strands of it infront of her eye"
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"Due to a weird mixture of different potions he experimented with when he was younger, his shortly cropped hair turned a permanent rich hue of purple, and so did his eyes,"
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"Too dark purple eyes blazed behind horrible scares that coverd what could been seen of his face."
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"looks: golden scales and mane and purple eyes / human shape blond hair that gose down to his weast very handsome (^^) and purple eyes"
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"Appearance: Dark Brown Hair, Purple Eyes, 5' tall, yellow jacket, maroon pants"
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"I turned onmy heel sharply, my silvery white hair flying and settling over my shoulders. My deep purple eyes flashing."
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"Physical Description- American. Tall and athletically built. Long black wavy hair down to the small of her back and light purple eyes."
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"appearence:Red dreadlock like hair,purple eyes,His old pants only inverted and Brave is in Hiragana form,Blue tanktop decorated with a picture of an Octopuss holding back a gorrila strangling a cheetah eating a rabbit,multicolored cleets"
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"Caucasian, weird green liberty spikes-dreadlock combination for hair, bright purple eyes, dark yellow tank-top, bandages around arms, dark purple baggy shorts, sandals and bandages on feet."
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"My character's name is Harumi, a 15 yr old girl who has silver shoulder length hair and purple eyes. She has the power of the stars which she has yet to discover.^^"
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"Appearance: Long crimson hair, purple eyes... somewhat like an older version of Harumi, only with a symbol of the sun on the back of her neck."
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"footsteps ring out across the ruins and a figure comes out of the smoke, dressed in black from head to foot, a long slender blade twirling in its hand a female, white skinned and white haired with bright purple eyes looking at them with intense dislike"
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"Looks- Long Brown hair with purple streaks, deep purple eyes, deeply tanned, tall, full-figured, slightly muscualr."
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"Description: A rather tall man, at 6 feet 6 inches, Coradin has graying brown hair and purple eyes."
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"She had no choice as she looked at the one walking up to her with those fiery purple eyes, hoping that he would keep his word"
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"Dracko looked outside. "Hmm..." Dracko's eyes soon bagan to fade out until his purple eyes looked white and foggy."
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"Suddenly the girl's purple eyes looked at an explosion that happened in mid air. Mirai gave a big bubbly smile while watching the eye catching explosion..."
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"Appearance: Tall, albino and skinny. Has acid green hair and purple eyes"
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"Appearance:long white hair, with purple eyes, and white clear wings like the moonlight. Wearing a long white dress with red ribbons."
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"Brody looked at her skeptically with faintly red-rimmed purple eyes. "You'd probably end up setting me on fire.""
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And, because you knew this was a possibility:
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"Physical Description: Reinna is on the short side, barely 5 feet tall. Her mother was a veela, so Reinna does have certain qualities *ahem* about her. Her hair is very long, but instead of the usual veela color, her own locks are jet black as night. Her eyes are purple, and her skin tone is light. "
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Mary Sues: Always blurring the line between grandiose and bigger than life with pomposity and pretentiousness. When you can't just be the center of attention in one respect, why not go for the mother load, pull out all the stops, flail your arms around and say, "Look at me" in every way you desperately can?

All Sued Up and No Place to RP

Mary Sue on board! This one in from an rpg that is based on a made up highschool where all the kids have magical/mutant powers. It's more like an X-Men universe than a Harry Potter universe but the same general idiocy prevails.
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First Name: Kryssa
Last name: Maxwell
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Again... this can't all be done in one line that reads Full Name? I guess I should forgive them and start my Mary Sue database.
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Age: 16
Gender: Girl
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She's a young girl frought with Mary Sue-ness. Brace yourself for this next bit of crap.
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Power Description:
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1. Kryssa can read people’s minds. This is sometimes a good thing, and sometimes not. She can tell if someone is going to pull a prank or something like that, but it makes it harder for her to have a boyfriend, because she can read his mind and tell if he is cheating on her, or even what it is he wants from her. (Some people’s thoughts scare her…)
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This RPG allows every member three powers and nearly all of them list mind reading. Will it shock you to know that this rpg failed miserably? There are two role playing threads total and no one has touched this place in a year. Maybe it's because everyone knows what everyone else is thinking so there's no need for actually doing anything.
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2. Kryssa can time travel. She doesn’t use this power as much as she uses the other two, because she is very careful of how she acts and makes good choices…(just like the rest of you should…LOL jk) no. She likes to travel back in time if something happens that is funny, or something good happens. The day she got her first kiss, she went back as many times as she could just to feel the feeling…(and then, she read his mind…it was BAD) LOL
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LOL! Boys think about sex! LOL! We can trust this Sue when she says we can trust her judgment as to how to use her powers! LOL! She's sucking out my soul and I'm not ever role playing with her. LOL!
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3. Kryssa can expand her molecules so that she becomes invisible. This is the power that she uses when she knows that something embarrassing is going to happen, or when she wants to know if something is up…This is also one of those powers that sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) causes her problems. She cant really control this power as much as she would like to think she can…so, needless to say, sometimes if her emotions become real strong, she literally disappears!
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So... how often does this happen? If she disappears just once, how does she get back? There is no her to think, "Oh crap! Not again! I better come back." I guess if you are a Sue you don't need to explain this.
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Pet they wish to adopt: Well, Kryssa would like to have a tortoiseshell cat. (Preferably a female…) that is litter box trained so she can keep her in the dorm.
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Maybe she can mess with the cat's molecules and make it invisible. I think my cats can become invisible when I'm carrying things that could spill so I only see them the second before I trip on them.
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Description: Kryssa is sort of tall, but then, she is short. Her actual height (without shoes) is five feet five inches. (With shoes, she gets another inch and a half…maybe.) (SHUT UP!) She is very pretty—Her hair is light brown, almost a dirty blonde color, but not quite, (SHUT UP MORE!) she has crystal blue eyes that have a ring of midnight blue around the outer part of them. (And they change color!) Her hair is long—it comes down her back to a spot just above her hips, (Oh. Her waste, you mean) and she always tries to find another style to put it in for each day. (Sometimes she stuffs it all under a wig and pretends to be Hannah Montana) She favors baggy pants, but prefers tighter shirts. (She NEVER wears any shirt that shows cleavage, but she likes to show off her belly button ring, so…LOL. (Squee!) Normally, she wears some color of converse shoe, but is known for wearing flip flops. She likes to wear stylish earrings. Sometimes, she wears just studs, but on a normal day, she will wear some sort of flashy dangling earrings. (I have a feeling she has other holes in her head that she's not mentioning.)
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Picture: (No longer works. Pity! We can't see how hot she is.)
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Characteristics: Kryssa is all good. She uses her powers for good. (Sometimes she does use them to benefit herself, but there is always a reason) She has the attitude of a leader, and she loves to help the people around her. She takes it into her own hands if somebody is doing something harmful (in anyway) to another person. (Meaning she will fix all problems so she can stand back, wind in her hair and be admired for her gloriousness.) She knows her mind reading skills very well, and she can move memories, manipulate the minds of others, and even see into their past.) She only manipulates minds if she absolutely has to…she’s not mean like that, and she doesn’t believe in using her powers to benefit only herself. (Uh huh. Don't hold your breath.) Kryssa is a kind-hearted person. She is an animal lover, and back home she has horses. The only thing Kryssa expects other people to do for her is o not second guess her. If she voices her opinion, she knows she is right, especially if it comes to something like the future—she will take a person to the future to prove a point if she has to. (and she has…) (She's always right. What an arrogant, evil, horrible Sue.) She is respectful, and respected among her peers and teachers. She generally is a quiet person and doesn’t enter a fight that she cant win, and doesn’t try to prove a point unless she has facts that will help her prove it. (She's quiet save for the incesstant meddling.)
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History: When Kryssa was a child, she was teased by her sisters and brother for being “different.” Her parents tried to hide her from the world, and almost succeeded, until one day, when she was thirteen, she decided she wanted more from life. She found this high school that had other kids like her in it and she had her parents enroll her. It is far away from where she lived as a child, but she is okay with that. She has had a total of two boyfriends in her life. The first one broke up with her because she was reading his thoughts, and replying to them, without even really knowing it! The second was just a dud, because he cheated on her…
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Shouldn't she have seen that coming? What kind of psychic is she?
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Role Play: It was her first day at a new high school. She was hopeful that this high school would offer more for her than the others did. She stood there, clad in baggy black cargo pants, a form-fitting t-shirt, a zip-up hoodie sweater, and lime green flip-flops. She glanced at the principal as she babbled on about the school. But Kryssa was not paying attention to her, she was focused on what looked like a couple of bullies trying to use their power to scare a younger kid. She glared their way and sent a mental message to them, “If I were you, I wouldn’t do that…” (So where is she in relation to this principal? She's able to casually look away and address these boys with her mind and no one, in a school full of mind readers catches this?) The two boys turned to look at her, surprise on their faces. She raised an eyebrow and stood there, glaring at them. “Well?” she asked, “What’s it gonna be?” They smirked at her, and the one who could move objects with is mind picked up a chair and threw it at Kryssa. She ducked swiftly and gracefully out of the way. (Like a fucking ballerina. And where is this principal? I guess you don't need one when a Sue as cool as this is enrolled in your school. You can just sit back and let them discipline other kids.) She rolled her eyes and dove into his thoughts. She made him forget that they were fighting, and remember that he was going to be late for his next class. “Well, see ya later!” he said, as he waved good bye. (Huh? I thought she had all sorts of froofy reservations about manipulating someone's brain but it seems she is quite casual about it.) She rolled her eyes and focused on the other boy. “So, show me watcha got?” she brushed the words across his mind silently, as she looked him in the eye. “She was surprised when he just shook his head and walked away. “I’ve no time for you,” the words brushed across her mind in a gentle whisper. She stood there, in shock, but shrugged it off and grabbed her book bag and headed to her very first class. (Ooh! A love interest she has to tame, perhaps? And what of the boy being picked on? Who cares. If he's lame enough to be picked on then our Sue has no time for him.)
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I bet this Sue could teach every class too, if you let her. She just rocks that much. She should graduate and become president of all things awesome... you know. If she isn't already.

Eyes are the Windows to the Sues

Can't decide between two eye colors? Why go with both? Or everything. If you're a Sue, you don't feel you should have to nail yourself down to one eye color.
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I think Sues and Stus choose different eye colors to make sure they are seen. Sometimes eyes reflect that the character is of a different species but mostly it's done for attention, beauty and a constant guage on whatever emotional trauma the character is embroiled in. As you all know, Sues and Stus are nonstop basket cases.
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"Eyes: Change color depending on thirst; Obsidian black when extremely thirsty; purple bruise-like color when getting thirsty; dull bronze when slightly thirst; liquid topaz color when not thirsty"
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"His eyes change color depending on his mood, surroundings, etc, which would make them hazel."
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"She Has bright blue eyes that change colors depending on her mood."
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"i have long hair and like nira's my eyes change color with my mood."
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"Eyes that change color with his mood, and 1½" fangs, that can grow to 2""
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"His eyes change color with his mood in a single blink his usual eye color is either Crimson or Indigo, but he has several others..."
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"Powers:Eyes change color with emotion."
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"eyes change color with mood and drug use;"
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"eyes change color depending on his mood."
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"eyes are a hazel green and sky blue that change with what I wear"
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"eyes change color or look like they do from green to a sky blue."
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"Physical Description: 5'4", short blonde hair, my eyes change color from blue to green,"
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"-Eyes that change colors with a ring of fire"
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"she turns her head and her eyes change color for a second, and then go back."
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"Distinguishing Features: The way her eyes change color"
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"Her eyes change color, from light hazel, to a little darker, depending on her mood."
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"+1 - Arithon - His eyes change color with the element of the spell. That's rather unique."
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"She also has 1 crystal blue eye & a green 1; the colors switch eyes."
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"appearance:messy black hair, his eyes change colors, but are essentially either grey or purple he is short and scrawny, but with surprising strength"
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"Her eyes are emerald green and change colors with her emotions. When she is angry, they turn Reddish-gold and when she is sad they turn Cerulean blue. Her eyes glow with either a Blue light for Good or Red light for Evil when she gives prophecies. This can happen spontaneously…."

Saddle Sues

I find that sometimes if your rpg has a dumb premise, dumb things happen and your rpg suffers a dumb and painful death. For example, a My Little Pony rpg is a dumb idea. Never start one. How can they not help but be weird? Maybe I'm not seeing the big Pony picture but really, I don't think I'm off the mark by not seeing how this sort of rpg can be fun unless you are on crack. maybe they are...

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Here is one My Little Pony rpg that morphed into idiocy as seen through the eyes of a Pony Stu author. The author of this character helped make this little corner of the rpg spectrum a little dimmer.

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Here is her Pony Stu:

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For this game I want to play Quantum. Quantum is Galaxy's older brother. He was kidnapped as a baby to train and be part of the WHollyKow Kingdom's evil army. He broke out when he found out about his past and went to Dream Valley.

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Hee! On this note I'd like to welcome the Holeee Cow Kingdom to my blog!

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Stats:

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Quantum

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Body: Dark Blue
Hair: multi shades of blue and white

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powers: Smae as Galaxy's excpet for the fortune-telling thing and jsut a bit stronger
personality: He's a sucker for a pretty face and is a constant flirt. He's not shy, so he isn't afraid to tell you what he is thinking at the time no matter what it is. Very protective over his sister. HE used to live in Peace Valley, but he's a drifter and doesn't stay in one place too long.

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Let's play!!!

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I have no idea how well he knows his sister because their relationship doesn't work in a nice chronological order. Did he meet her after escaping? Has he spent much time with her? Does his mysterious drifting make him more of a Pony Stoic? Who knows? Who cares. He's a sexy male pony with a tragic past so just hang on tightly to the reins and let's continue down this bumpy trail.

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Here is a picture of Quantum made by the Suethor. Can you tell?:

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Now this surprizes me. Usually being a My Little Pony is all about the 'Rump Design.' I should know. I used to be an avid My Little Pony collector. My ponies were the envy of all the little girls in my second grade class. But then I grew up and grew out of ponies. That, and I also didn't like the direction My Little Ponies were going in. Those ponies with the plastic gems for eyes were DAMN CREEPY! I got two for Christmas and I never played with them. I never even put them on the shelf where they could LOOK INTO MY SOUL with their evil, expressionless sparkly eyes.

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Anyway, ZUM RPG!

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Here is Quantum's first post in the role playing game:

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Quantum looks out on this brisk almost-spring day and suddenly just doesn't feel like standing still. He rubs his horn on the ground to scratch the itchies.

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If he weren't a unicorn, that would sound dirty... wait... still sounds dirty.

Quantum's player quickly links up with twin ponies and she immediately sets them up on a quest. At this poin in the rpg this player is new and full of wonderful Pony Stu joy. She is probably full of ideas about how to squeeze every bit of fun there can be pretending you're a pony in a world that doesn't exist:

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Quantum looked up at the ponies. They were obviously twins, which was a bit amusing. "Hey, I'm Quantum, Galaxy's brother. I know you are thinking 'I didn't know Galaxy had a brother'. I've been getting that a lot lately. Anyway, have you seen her? I got this note in Peace Valley, where I live."

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He holds out a note. It reads:

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Quantum,
Big brother, it's urgent. I have to speak with you. Going thru our family's records I have discovered something horrible that hasbeen held secret from us for years. I can't tell you it in this note. Please meet me at the creek between Dream Valley and Peace Valley a noon tomorrow.
Galaxy

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"I've been waiting hours and she's not here. I have this horrible feeling that something has happened to her."

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So... ponies can take out sheets of paper, write on that paper with little pens and then carefully unfold that paper later to read the letters and show their pony friends. Are we sure about this?

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"It's her handwriting, that's for sure." He answered.

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Okay. HANDWRITING? Why not. We have family records about deep secrets. Why not handwriting?

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Here's a picture of Galaxy who is played by the same author:

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Now look at that rump. THAT is what I'm talking about!

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Let's get to the family secret:

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A green twinkle eyed pony with strands of hair in different shades of green stood on a hill watching the three leave."Galaxy was never supposed to find out about me." The pony said aloud to herself. "I was the sister everyone was ashamed of. I was thedisgrace of the family, and Quantum was too young to even remember me. I got to Galaxy. I can get to you too, littlebrother..." She winked out into the forest.

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Wow. A sister Pony named Emerald. And what do you think she's like?

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Emerald dropped her crystal ball on the ground and it smashed into several pieces. "Oh no. Now I can't keep my eye on them anymore. This sux more and more all the time." She sat down to think. "Why did I do this in the first place?" Then her eyes narrowed. "I know why. THEIR mother. She ruined my life and got me licked out of Dream Valley."

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Hee! Licked out of Dream Valley!

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She retrieved a book from out of nowhere.It was the book she acquired that helped her build the crystal ball. It was abook of magic. "An invisible spell. Great. I can follow them and they won't even know it." Making herself invisible she thought *As long as I don't talk they won't know where I am. Galaxy has a sixth sense so I can't follow her..although Griffin is with her...who are those other ponies? I'll follow Quantum's group. Hee hee hee*

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The long and short of it is that all the members of the club got involved with Galaxy, Quantum and Emerald's family issues and eventually ran Emerald out of whatever Pony valley they were in. She left the story with her tail between her legs and once Galaxy, Quantum and the other ponies were victorious, the author's interest in the club started to go. Sure, she followed along with other stories about other ponies that were not her getting stuck in a canyon during a rainstorm. More ponies joined the rpg with named like Shadow, Nightmare, Warlock, Soul Killer and Bleeding Heart. Yes, emo ponies with good hearts who are misunderstood.

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At post 505 I suppose that this author got tired of not being the center of attention and pulled this nonsense:

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This is gonna shock you all some hee hee

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Quatnum hung his head and snickered. Then he looked up and said, "Come on, guys. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the evil menace?" Waits as all ponies look at him in disbelief. "I mean, I'm the only one here who has felt really good the whole time. I never got my magic drained and I totally didn't care what happened to anyone. You all are so trustingand stupid." Then Quantum raises up on his hind legs to expose a zipper down his chest. The zipper unzips and a huge demon-like monster comes out. "It's too easy to fool you all. Way too easy. Quantum was never ehre with you guys. He hasn't been here the whole time."

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The demon thing laughed. "I love it. You are all so shocked. This performance will win me an Oscar." He breathed fire and the flames mgically turned into a pointed staff. "Now, who will be the first to die."

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Umm... so the demon is defeated and it turns out Quantum was okay and they all met up with him to fight some other ponies who were trying to harvest these good ponies for lab research.

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So, where does one go after thwarting a VERY short-lived story about a lab research ring? Naturally, and how could you be so silly not to come to this conclusion quickly, a rainbow vortex picks you up and plunks you down someplace completely foreign:

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Galaxy steps off the rainbow and hears a loud honking noise. A human in a big metal machine swerves past her and waves his arms out the opening of the machine screamng, "GEt out of the road you freak!" Quantum looked at a small human female who tugged on her mommy's dress. Teh little girl asked, "Mommy, why is that pony blue?" The mother looked at Quantum then andscreamed, ushering her daughter away. Galaxy looked at the other ponies. "Where are we? I dont' think we are safe here."

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So where are they? I shit you not:

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This was, sadly, one of this authors last contributions to this rpg. The rpg spends several whimpering posts as the ponies explores the cities and suburbs around modern day Michigan.

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Two players did their best and the story drops off as one pony wanders into a 'dark place' and a gun shot is heard.

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At post 762 this rpg fizzles out into spammers from to sell creams to increase your cock size.

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I truly hope I've passed an important lesson on to you. Never start a lame rpg. They get ridiculous fairly quickly and you have no one to blame but yourself.

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And never buy ponies with plastic gem eyes.