Not!Hogwarts

Today's defunct rpg is called "Astral Academy for all Magical Beings." It's a blatant Harry Potter rip off. Almost everything is the same except that this school accepts all magical beings and specializes in divination. Oh! And Headmistress Forter, looks like Cameron Diaz.

There are four houses just like Hogwarts (and in some ways, not like Hogwarts at all) and here is the site description of each one:

Delphis-Blue-Dolphin

Students in the Delphis house are very good healers. They are very sensitive and have strong natural instincts. They know what they are looking for and won't give up easily. They also get along with almost everyone they meet. They are very nice. They may be slow at what they do, but they are safe doing it.

Stay Close to: Caballus House Stay away from: Mydas House

So this house is 60% Hufflepuff and 40% Gryffindor. They are dull but determined, cautious but courageous and smart but slow. Everything you could ever want in these two goody-two-shoe Houses all rolled into one.

Mydas-Green-Snake

Students in the Mydas House are maybe the meanest of all the houses. They are spiritual in their own way. They make fun of those not like them. They are usually considered liars and cheats. They like to make fun of the poor and love the rich. But even though they seem like they know what they want, they have a lot of emotional or mental stress upon them.

Stay close to: Cyclora House Stay away from: Delphis House

It's Slytherin. It's full of wealthy, pureblood assholes. They will all be depressed, vicious, suicidal and have all the mad Dark Arts Skillz.

,

Caballus-Pink-Rabbit

The students in the Caballus House are the most loving of them all. They believe in true love and are very romantic. They are loyal to people they meet and are commited to what they want. They flirt and thrive on their sexual desires. But they can be a little foolish. They can get into trouble.

Stay close to: Delphis House Stay away from: Cyclora House

Here is where we diverge from the main four Hogwarts Houses. The whores, sluts, pimps, gimps, playas, nymphos and bondage freaks live here. This is CLEARLY the Tootsietramp House.

Cyclora-Red-Dragon

Students in the Cyclora House have very short tempers. They are brave and get fired up a lot. They seem to have a pretty big ego too. They can be creative in their own ways. Cyclora's are known to be very determined and empowered. They aren't afraid and will do anything they set their minds too.

Stay close to: Mydas House Stay away from: Delphis House

And here is Ravenclaw, the real Slytherins of Hogwarts. These students that embody what Slytherins ought to be in, not the whiny, bitchy brats they have become thanks to Mary Sues and Gary Stus.

Headmistress Forter requires all new students to go to the Diamond Dining Hall for a Sorting Ceremony and a whopping total of six students showed up for this. The Ceremony goes a little like this:

Headmistress Forter stood in front of something also. It was a littler platform. But this platform was a little more special. That platform would tell what house each student would be in. Once the student stands on it, the color of the house will glow. Not only will it do that but it will also make the student glow. The school's outfit will appear on the student. Headmistress Forter loved that part. The students would be spooked by it."

I'm not sure. Those Caballus kids may actually enjoy losing their clothes to the Headmistress on their first day of school.

So how did these students do in the Ceremony? Oh boy. Now it's time to sort the dull, demented, ditzy and dangerous from each other.

First up is Bailey Morrison. As you can see, he's not Alex Evans but he wishes he was. He's emo, goth and misunderstood. Of course he's bisexual, "goes through severe bouts of depression", is beaten by his parents who hate him and he sings like an angel. His rpg example is a detailed description of his dad beating the shit out of Bailey when he is accepted to Astral Academy.

So what House do you think he'll be placed in? Place your bets before you read further:

Bailey jumped as the platform glowed a bright pink. (Caballus) Looking down at his own body, he saw that he too, for a brief moment, seemed to glow the same color and his eyes widened as the school uniform appeard on his body. His mouth gaped open and his head shot up to the headmistress once more as she spoke. Sighing, he stepped off the platform and walked to the table he was supposed to be at.

Next up is Ookami Lynn. She's bisexual, pureblood and is Asian with white hair. Why is her hair white? She can freeze things with her touch. In fact, her entire demeanor is cold and she loves to torture people. Her only friend in life is her pet dragon because her mom died in child birth and her dad is afraid of her. In her rpg example and cries about being so alone, not just in Astral Academy, but in life as well.

So what House did she end up in?

She began to glow a red and before she could say anything as she stared towards the mistress a slight fear flashed in her cold eyes then vanished as the uniform came onto her. (Cyclora) She stared down at it suddenly feeling bare as her cloak had left her body. The red plaid skirt and polo's along with the shirt with the house's emblium on it, she twitched and she slowly stepped from the 'stage' and hesitantly made her way perfectly careful not to touch anyone.

,

She sat alone at the table, away from the others. Her hand came down flat on the table and she stared at the mistress before realising her hand. Eyes shot down, her gaze adverting to her hand as she quickly pulled it from the table. A frosted handprint was left in it's place and she stared at it uneasily before her gaze scanned the table. Making sure to scoot away from anyone who got to close to her.

There's some crap after this where Ookami and Headmistress talk about the girl's frozen touch and a bunch of NPC kids look at Ookami like she's a freak which she is. Headmistress Forter gives her special gloves to negate the frozen touch but guess what... in EVERY POST Ookami brings up her frozen touch. She's determined to milk her curse for all it's worth and no dumb gloves that could help her will stand in the way.

Next we have Jared Darken who is pansexual, pureblood, always carries a snake on his shoulders, can read minds and auras, likes sex, is wealthy and is a big sweetie except when he spray paints cars for fun.
There isn't much to be said for this guy since he only posted a dozen times on the forum. Like Ookami and her frozen touch, this guy brings up his snake a lot and there isn't too much you can do if that's all you've got. And he and his snake ended up in Caballus.

Next is Rhyne Launer, a self proclaimed sparkling hottie. I can't even post his banner here because it's so damn big. Obviously the author likes this actor and makes him awesome. He has a big ego and big heart, is a pureblood, is bi-curious and has a thing for his male cousin, Ryan. In fact, they can link their minds telepathically. His rpg example shows Rhyne and Ryan coming close to getting it on while swimming together.

So what House will Rhyne be in?

Rhyne looked down at the platform then his body. He noticed he was glowing a blue color. He didn't panic but he was really scared. He looked around and then he looked back down at his body. He now had a blue outfit on with a badge on his chest of a Dolphin. He smiled and walked off to his table. (Delphis)

Ookami throws this little piece of depression in:

It was interesting how her mind worked, here she'd be dead silent and appear shy, in her dorm and when she was somewhat alone she'd be as cold as her touch. She mumbled something under her breath as she slipped off the left glove and ran her finger along the table.

She spelt out in cursive:

Not Alone
Next is another character created by Ookami's author. She's a mermaid named Nimaway Lee Glen. She's a bisexual half-blood and even though she's a mermaid, she can shape shift into a human. She is drop dead gorgeous and loves everyone and everything and hates mean people because they suck. Her dad ran out on her mom after learning she was a mermaid. Nimaway can't wait to shape shift into the form of other students because she's just that special.

What House will she be in? Duh! Delphis. And her clothes didn't change because she's a big, special shape shifter. Puke.

Finally we have Kahlen Fiona J. Smith who looks like Jessica Alba and is plucky enough to redo the entire bio to fit how cute she is. Seriously. There are paragraphs dedicated to her hair, eyes, skin, lips and her firebolt shaped birthmark behind her ear. That's correct. You read that right. She even mentions Ravenclaw, Slytherin and Voldemort in her bio because she didn't really read the premise of the rpg. This quote sums her up:

"Throughout her years at Astral, up to now, she had learned more than ever, she had been able to transfigure do spells correctly, make Potions, become a better mermaid and telepath and most of all had fun. Now, she must face challenges, survive contests and everything."

Better mermaid??? That shows up no where in her bio but this line. I have no idea why I'm questioning this. She's just all around awesome.

How does she fare in the Sorting thread? Essentially, she's left high and dry by Headmistress Forter. The Headmistress' last post is the one where she accepts Kahlen's assy character, makes her a Delphis and begs her to stay and role play. Kahlen trots herself over to the Sorting thread and waits to stand on the platform but Headmistress Forter never shows up.

So, like the rpg from All Sued Up and No Place to RP, this rpg didn't run well under the weight of all it's special players. These Mary Sues and Gary Stus just crush it to death with the constant drama or inability to get it on with other students because the population is so low.

This site has been taken over by sex ads and wowposter. It sits, lonely and dusty. Even the sparkles have faded, never again to blind us. R.I.P. Astral Academy. You didn't stand a chance.

Good Riddance to Bad Dads

If a Mary Sue's parents aren't killed by vampires, she needs to take matters into her own hands and kill her parents herself. How else is she going to have a tragic past? Of course it's not her fault. Mary Sues always have a very good reason for killing their parents. In fact, they are more likely to kill their fathers because he's been a horrible, molesting bastard. Hasta la vista, Daddy!

"In her young adult years, she had an argument brought up about her unchanging behaviours and not moving out, so she shot her dad. Unable to stand the look on her mother's face and the screaming, she opened fire until she got her in the head."

"She killed her father (he betrayed Konoha) on her mission and ever since that moment, she doesn't talk anymore."

"Her father taught her how to kill without mercy, how to be relentless and cruel. She was the ultimate killing machine. When she was 16, she killed her father and released herself from the underworld."

"She killed her father in cold blood and something happen to her mother but she won’t say where she is or if she is alive…. all she says is "she’s with the dragons"."

"Bio: Princess of Majora, a land of vampires and demons. She's half demon half vampire. She killed her father along with most of her people."

"One night, after her father had finished hitting her with his belt she waited till he went to bed. Covered in bruises her crept in to the kitchen, silent tears streaming gently down her pale cheeks. She pulled out her dad's ready loaded handgun and crept back down the hall. She shot her dad four times in the chest before turning the gun on her little sisiter and pulling the trigger."

"(Yes and she's still in high school...she dropped out after she killed her father, and moved to Nagoya about a year later to start school again, and to run away from any of the police that may be looking for her XP)"

"It wasn't until Kira was older that she found her power to kill someone just by skin to skin contact. Infact thats how she killed her father, he came home after work one day and she ran to hug him."

"Miyuki as she reminisces about her past: in a fit of anger, she stabbed her father, a police officer. She fled due to the fear that she would be arrested, and the shame of what she had done."

"She stabbed her father by accident. Thats how he dies. Thank you."

"The night of Tera's 10Th birthday was when it took effect......everyone she had ever loved or cared for, died by her hands. Before she murdered her father he burst into tears, realizing the horrible fate he had brought upon his daughter. Later she was raised by a human couple who taught her the ninja arts, but two years later, her curse took over and she murdered them in their sleep."

"When Kiri was a child her mother abandons her and left her father, leaving her father to raise her. Her father was always drunk and very abusive. Half of her life her father had beat her and molested her, giving her the dark, serious personality. After a few years of being abused and molested by her father she finally decided that she couldn’t take it anymore, she murdered her father and soon left her home."

"Consumed by hatred, she murdered her father and fled the house, not getting far before an unmarked van pulled behind her and whisked her away before she could blink."

"Sam looked at her from the window and saw Lillix pull out a gun from the back of her pants...and in cold blood, she shot her father right between the eyes...."

"and- she shot her dad on self defense...but doesnt really like talking about it much"

"She escaped when she was 17 years of age when she found out she could transform into a strange new kind of dragon and make bones as sharp as blades come out of her hand. She killed her father that night and became Queen. She later ordered her mother to death. Out of all this she has grown to believe that there is only gold and dead enemies."

"At the age of 10 she met Gaara and was atracted to him. She was the only one who loved and understanded Gaara and was with him for a year. Then her father took her away from him and locked her up. In that time she enhanced her medical ninjutsu and was vey powerfull. She killed her father and went back to find Gaara when she was 15."

"Born into the middle class of the Co'orhem elves, Yukiko had a fairly normal upbringing until, at the age of 19, her mother died of a terminal illness. Her father went mad with grief, then simply just went mad, as he started to physically and sexually assault his own daughter. When she turned 25 she killed her father in his sleep and left her home in search of work."

"All day long her mind had been wandering back to the night when she killed her father. Today was that day... 5 years ago on this exact day. She had lived with his murder for that long, and has goten away with it since. Though what puzzled her most was not the fact she killed him... it was the fact she enjoyed killing him."

"Once she killed her father, she felt like she couldn't stop and killed everyone in the house. She was later put in an assylum for another two years. When she was fifteen, she was released from the assylum and was able to live a normal life. She was living on her own for a year, but a family friend later signed her up to be in the Cross Academy so she could find a place where she could find peace."

"Kaldemar worshiped her, wanting nothing more than to please her. She had turned his own teaching against him, with magnified skills, and he was nothing more than her puppet afterwards. His pathetic excuses for lessons were nothing compared to what she did to him in return. Eventually, she killed her father after becoming bored with him and totally engrossed in Kaldemar."

"Celeste was exiled from her land when she poisoned her dad on her 16th. nobody knew if she did it on purpose or not but her brother was the one that decided to exile Celeste."

Seriously, I had to cut myself off from these. I found a staggering amount of Sues who killed their fathers. Dads tend to drop like flies all over the Sue world. I saved the best for last because you knew it had to happen:

"bio- nekomata is the demon passed down from her mother/ at age three she killed her father in revenge for her mother and brother's death"

Neko is not just a way of life, it's a damn virus!

She'll Graduate Magna Cum Sue

This Sue is from an rpg about an Academy for vampires. I've seen many vampire schools but I will never get the idea behind it. I guess they can spend time learning practical things like math and science but when you've seen as many vampires in schools (or just any rpg set in a school) as I have, it's clear you can't teach them anything. They are all super smart and skilled in everything BEFORE they even enter the school.

Vampire.
Name-Lyric Blossom Angel (Oh Hell. Hell no. No way. Way. She has SUCH a Mary Sue name and we just started.)

Sex-Female
Age-16 (You know what? She's a vampire who looks 16 and actually is 16. If she's physically aging but will live forever, she's gonna spend most of her existence looking scary!)
Power-Lyric can controle fire in a stunging way.She still has a little problem useing it but other than that she is very good. (Her stunging abilities are not great but still great but her waffling skills will astound you!)

Weapon:Bow and Arrow (I wish this bio had included info on why she needs these weapons and what she uses them for. Her background history isn't specific on this fact. I guess she just needs something else to be awesome at and this rounds out her many gifts.)

Bio-Lyric was always alone as a child she was born as a pure blood vampire.At times she hates being a vampire cause everyone dosent like her not even her own vampire parents. (Her parents don't even like her because she's a vampire?) At the age of 10 she fanily left to go live on her own and she has been doing great.Well then she found cross Academy and told the Cair man she was a vampire he was very pleased to have her here.He gave her little pills that go in water and gives the taste of blood but she wish it was real blood. She moved into her drom room and has live there for 6 years. (It's so sweet that despite all her tragedies, this vampire is able to land on her feet. She narrowly avoided being a trailer trash vampire.)

Personality-Lyric is a loner and dosent talk much.She not shy she just dosent always like to deal with people she rather be alone but when it comes to a fight she is all in it and wont back down till she wins. (If she speaks as well as she communicates here, no wonder she chooses not to. Perhaps she gets into fights because so many people ask her what stunging is.) She can be bossy at times. (But she doesn't talk much???? How can she be bossy and shy all at once????? DOES NOT COMPUTE!) During class she awlays stands by the window looking at the moon. (I have a feeling that at this school, most of the students are depressed and like to stare out the window.) When she is in a serious mood you better back off or she will snap at you if you do somthing wrong. (But she's shy. Except for the times she's bossy or in a bad mood.)

Looks- (See the scared, anime child with the submissive pose and runny mascara.)
Blood type-pure blood. (Did she mention that?)

Addition to the Unfortunate Typo Files: This guy was afraid of how people would view his rpg about different ethnic gangs fighting over a city:

"To all those who called me "Raciest": You forget that I am a fan of JAPANESE CARTOONS and LISTEN TO THE BLUES."

Speak little and be a Mary Sue....

No one will ever be able to convince me there's a good reason for making character so painfully shy that they speak very little or not at all. For one thing, this makes it hard for characters to communicate if the character sticks strongly to this trait. Everything must be one sided and, believe it or not, that leaves the silent character in control of the scene.

But more than that, these characters need to be taken care of. They need to be babied and protected not only because they don't speak but also because the reason they don't speak probably has something to do with some major tragedy. Poor, wittle Sue was tormented into silence.

At least these Mary Sues spare us the witty banter.

"She doesn't speak much, however if she does she usually delivers some kind of information that is relevant to the situation at hand."

"Personality: Well... she doesn’t speak too much. She’s ashamed of her voice and goes to great lengths to keep from talking, even as far as learning a bit of sign language and carrying a notepad around wherever she goes so she can write down the things she wants to say to people. "

"Personality: Alice is a shy person. She doesn't speak often and keeps to herself. She doesn't like to be around many people, andwsometimes wishes that she wasn't born."

"She has pale skin, and she doesn't like to be touched by anyone but her adopted mother, Kaitlyn. She doesn't speak much, although when spoken to, her voice is like a song by itself. She's been told she was unbelievably gorgeous, although at times she is disgusted with herself."

"Personality :: Naomi is very quiet. She doesn't speak much unless absolutely needed."

"She is, indeed, a good girl and does as she is told. She doesn't speak much, but when she speaks, it's worth listening to."

"Personality: Nindeth is rather quiet, she doesn't speak easily to people she doesn't know well. Only those with patience and kindness can truly learn to know her. She is calm and collected, always thinks before she acts."

"She doesn't speak much, but is full of wisdom and skill in all areas."

"Miu is such a quiet girl. She doesn't speak very much and is basically shy. She doesn't like to be in crowds or be the center of attention. She even gets uncomfortable when just one person is looking at her."

Don't let being mute fool you. She's still wise beyond her years, terribly gorgeous and skilled at everything.

"Personality: Aiko is an extremely shy girl, and being mute doesn't help her with social skills (not many people know the mute language), she can be seen as an anti-social kid, but, the truth is, she's just most of the time ignored."

"Manfred bowed his head down low, but he was kicking himself on the insides. "Duh huh Manfred! She's mute you moron!" he thought to himself. He didn't really know what to say, he felt sorry for her but didn't want to bug her about it."

"Boi: Layanna is a rather strange girl. She's mute, but can understand others fine. Also she can't hold much energy herself, so she dances to summon enough energy for her spells."

"One of her ears is shredded from a fight with a dog, and she's mute, but has found a way to communicate through her sister, Still. Heavily pregnant, but her mate was killed, so looking for another one."

"Name: Shizuka/ Which means quiet in japanese
Specal: She's mute... That means she cant talk"

"A few moments of silent finger-talk later, the incident is forgotten. Sirco is a mute. At the start, it was hard to communicate, but by using basic gestures and translating it in written form, both Roland and Shuffle now knew enough to communicate with their "sister"."

"Stand-offish at first, Rosuto is a quick obeserver; picking up everything that a normal person would miss. Quick, soft-spoken for when she does speak, but most of the time she's mute; Rosuto seems to have a soft spot for the hard-luck cases."

"Phyre is a thief, born and raised on the streets of Firelle, due to the unexplained death of her parents when she was just three years old. Now she is nineteen years old and a little over five feet tall with long red hair and green eyes. Normally, however, her hair is tied in a bun to keep it out of her way, especially while working. She's mute and has a dragon symbol tattooed on her tongue."

"Mistkit is a silent kit, of course, and prefers to stay to herself most of the time, stuck in her 'obsessive shell' of things. Nonetheless, she is a very, very hyper and playful kit, and wants to prove to herself and ShadowClan that just because she's mute, does not mean she has no destiny or cannot be a Warrior."

And, because it had to happen:

"Other:She's mute,and a very good computer hacker.She's also a neko."