Silly Ass Banners

Banners are pictures that are seriously photoshopped until they are just too silly for words. People create them to make their characters seem important, show their icky love for a canon, show what relationships they want canons to have, or a lot of other generally icky things that you probably don't even want to think about. Banners usually appear in the signature line of an author's posts and they often are like neon signs that point out who the attention whores are. Often forums like proboards, ezboards and so on allow this sort of pretententious jackassery.

Here are a few that I found that are so silly that I laughed really hard at first. Then that laugh turned into long, awkward, pitiful sob for all humanity:

Ooh! Spike sucked on Angel's no-no place. Slashy! I hope Angel has more "Spike wos 'ere" related clothing besides the cute, little wifebeater in this banner. It would be a damn shame if the back of Angel's pants didn't read, "Spike wos 'ere too."

.

Wouldn't it be awesome if Spike was a samarai warrior with Tom Cruise's body and Buffy was a sexy geisha and teens wrote angsty poetry about it all?

.

"I'm just misunderstood, is all. And I could use some Visine too."

.

When I saw this I thought maybe someone was quoting Britney Spears' song "Toxic" and this is for a fanfic about Snape shagging Britney raw. Then I thought, "And that is why Snape rocks!"
.

Speaking of Britneys, here's a Britnay who spelled her banner wrong. Do you get that she's a bad ass Slytherin and her avatar is everyone's favorite little slut, Michelle Trachtenberg? I do care that Michelle's 'sexy face' looks like she's about to puke all over your shoes.

.

.

.

I hope to provide more banners so we can all weep for the future of our children together. If you find one, send me a link so I can post it and we can all share each other's misery.

.

Want to make your own silly ass banner? Try these links:

http://www.mybannermaker.com/

http://www.coder.com/creations/banner/banner-form.pl.cgi

http://www.bannercreator.nu/banner-maker.html

http://www.abcbanners.com/cgi-bin/b2/b2.pl?action=Browse&CatID=1

http://www.puresilva.com/banner_maker.asp

Gary Stoics

Annoyed by Ambivalence

Okay. I'm not good with puns but here's a role player type that always pisses me off. I call them a 'Gary Stoic' because they are Gary Stus who usually describe themselves as stoic, indifferent or emotionless. If you see someone using an avatar that looks like Inuyasha, you're probably dealing with a Gary Stoic and it's time to walk away.

However, if you're not so lucky to be given Inuyasha as a clue, here are other ways to spot a Gary Stoic:

The Gary Stoic Attitude

Gary Stoics, as I said, are always stoic. They don't usually get mad or sad or angry or nervous or ever even really show any emotion whatsoever. They are always calm because they always have a plan and supernatural gifts beyond belief. They always know what the bad guy is up to and they always appear to know what the girl wants. This is because the author reads ahead and knows what others are thinking and feeling and they keep their characters smugly prepared for everything. A Gary Stoic never sweats because they know they are always better, faster, smarter and just more damn awesome than you are but in a stoic sort of way.

I have wanted on several occasions to wring the neck of a Gary Stoic because they are impossible to role play with. They often describe themselves as having mysterious powers. That word, mysterious, should not be allowed to describe a valid rpg character because that implies they don't have to tell you what they can do. They won't have any weaknesses. Althought they never say in their profiles that they can become invisible, read thoughts, fly or anything else they just randomly pull out of their ass whenever needed, to them this is fine because it all fits nicely into their claim they are "mysterious.

The Gary Stoic Childhood

Well, most likely they've studied at a dojo or some shit like that. Maybe they have been a student of the Grand Master Fuckyoushi. Whatever their background is, surely it's made them greater than everyone else. They have acquired, throughout their lifetime, all sorts of 'mysterious knowledge' that allows them to basically be an omnipotent pain in the ass. Gary Stoics have mad sword skills, hand to hand combat skills, know all about the supernatural and are magical powerhouses. They are most likely immortal and have cat ears. Whatev. Some seem to have amnesia too which is by far the most annoying variation. Call me crazy but I've seen way too many Gary Stus that have no idea who they are or where they come from but if you play a bad guy, they will use powers they never knew they had to beat you down like a bitch without an ounce of effort.

The Gary Stoic Storyline

A Gary Stoic is naturally the hero of his own story. The authors of Gary Stoics have some noble cause like finding the vampires who killed their parents. They are waiting for that moment to defeat the bad guy but in the meantime, Gary Stoics will latch onto other stories. I can guarantee that while a Gary Stoic is kind enough to talk to others and join their stories, it is only to crush the story by solving it so that character has to now join the Gary Stoic in his blood quest.

Why Do I Hate Gary Stoics?

If you haven't guessed, I find Gary Stoics to be pretentious and selfish. They do not believe in any true give and take between characters because it's all about them. It's all about their silent, brooding, noble, emotionless disposition. Gary Stoics have all the answers and have superhuman wisdom that ruins every storyline in their path. Being a Gary Stoic is a subtle way of being a Mary Sue because a Gary Stoic doesn't appear at all to be taking over and dominating a role playing game but they slowly cripple everything they touch. They crush all sorts of conflict you throw at them but it's sometimes hard to see this right away because they are silent but deadly.

Ravenclaw. The New Slytherin.

One of the most important features in a Harry Potter based role playing game, whether the canons are there or not, is that all originals have to be sorted into one of four houses. Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw or Slytherin. These houses often dictate what a character will be like because they each represent different personality traits. This creates an interesting culture for all characters involved. This system puts everything out in the open. All attitudes, prejudices and family histories are pretty much on display once a dorm assignment has been declared.

I've been surveying Harry Potter rpgs and here is a breakdown of what really goes on once someone decides which House they will stow their crap in:

Perception of each House:
Gryffindor: Noble & Brave
Hufflepuff: Smart & Friendly
Ravenclaw: Strong & Mysterious
Slytherin: Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil! Evil. Evil? Yes, evil.

How an author describes their character:
Gryffindor: "stands up for what’s right," "speaks up for herself," or "tells it like it is"
Hufflepuff: "nice to everyone," "very smart," or "a little bit on the shy side"
Ravenclaw: "stands up for herself," "won’t take any shit from anyone," or "mysterious"
Slytherin: "evil," "not nice at all," "grumpy," "bitchy," or "wouldn’t want to meet her in a dark alley"

How they play their character (a.k.a. the crushing reality):
Gryffindor: like a smarmy git who does nothing wrong
Hufflepuff: like a dull nerd who does bland and dull nerdy things in ways that are bland
Ravenclaw: like a Slytherin oughtta be played
Slytherin: like a constant victim who does everything wrong

How do they treat members of other houses:
Gryffindor: with an unspoken superiority
Hufflepuff: with dull, bland, nerdy friendliness
Ravenclaw: with an unspoken superiority
Slytherin: with vile contempt and bitter hatred

How do they treat members of their own house:
Gryffindor: with an unspoken acknowledgment that they rule, they are cool and others drool
Hufflepuff: with dull, bland, nerdy friendliness
Ravenclaw: with an unspoken acknowledgment that they rule, they are cool and others drool
Slytherin: with vile contempt and bitter hatred

Types of storylines they give themselves:
Gryffindor: They show their courage and tout their limitless bravery until you want to puke.
Hufflepuff: They remain dull and bland in groups of pale, boring nerds like themselves and do safe, mundane things.
Ravenclaw: They have sinister, evil plots going everywhere. They can mess with everyone and get away with it.
Slytherin: They have sinister, evil plots that whimper and die because everyone knows their up to something.

Blood Types and Family Life:
Gryffindor: Half Blood, brought up as a muggle
Hufflepuff: Half Blood, brought up as a muggle
Ravenclaw: Half Blood, brought up as a muggle, well versed in Dark Arts
Slytherin: Pure Blood, children of Death Eaters, well versed in Dark Arts

Family Income:
Gryffindor: Middle Class
Hufflepuff: Lower Middle Class
Ravenclaw: Lower Middle Class
Slytherin: INSANELY WEALTHY

How do they dress outside of the school uniform:
Gryffindor: Casual. Jeans. T-Shirt.
Hufflepuff: Skirts. Khakis. Pocket Protectors.
Ravenclaw: Casual. Alternative.
Slytherin: Black. Leather. Emo. Goth. Dominatrix.

How do they act in class:
Gryffindor: Ambivalent because they know they will do well.
Hufflepuff: Attentive and work hard to learn and will do well.
Ravenclaw: They know better than the teacher and will do well.
Slytherin: They know better than the teacher and will show off how awesome they are.

Classes they excel in:
Gryffindor: All, effortlessly.
Hufflepuff: All, with much study.
Ravenclaw: Defense Against Dark Arts
Slytherin: Defence Against Dark Arts

Classes they hate:
Gryffindor: Divination
Hufflepuff: Divination
Ravenclaw: Divination
Slytherin: Divination

House Points:
Gryffindor: Fighting for the Top Spot
Hufflepuff: Usually in the Top Spot
Ravenclaw: Third Place
Slytherin: Last Place

Quidditch Pride:
Gryffindor: Love the game.
Hufflepuff: Best at the game.
Ravenclaw: Could care less about the game.
Slytherin: Can’t hold a team together because all members are busy brooding.

Final Analysis:
Gryffindor: Walk around like they own the place and they do.
Hufflepuff: Dull, bland and nerdy. Pale too. But will kick ass in Quidditch.
Ravenclaw: The new Slytherins.
Slytherin: Festering in impotent rage. Or becoming an Anti-Slytherin.

The Emergence of the Anti-Slytherin

Too much Slytherin is a bad thing. As the Harry Potter series grinds to a halt in July with the final book, it’s becoming painfully obvious to most Slytherin authors that Slytherins need to change gears fast or just gvie up and become Ravenclaws.

The anti-Slytherins are still victims but aren’t filled with as much hatred for themselves and others. They want to escape the bad ways of their anscestors and are rebuilding their reputations after the whole Death Eater snafu. They are kinder, gentler Slytherins who are well-adjusted and graciously accept all characters from all houses and every background. They may dress alternative but underneath that crusty Avril Lavigne exteriorior, they are dull, bland, nerdy and should have been sorted into Hufflepuff.

In Conclusion

There is no such thing as an original plot. There is no way around these stereotypes but some deviation now and then might be nice. A good mod should shake up the stereotypes dealt to each type of student. Throw in boggarts and trolls once in a while so students don't have to rely on their boring, predictable personalities to generate a stories. This avoids ruts and encourages longevity in a role playing game.

.

Also, co-ed naked Quidditch. Just consider it, won't you?

Fucking with Warren

I could have called this post "Playing a Canon," "Playing a Dead Canon," "Playing an Evil Canon" or "Lay the Fuck off of Warren, Okay!" I didn’t but they all could work. Whatever title I could have chosen, however, will be touched on in this post. All the things I’m about to talk about are universal to all canons, especially dead and/or evil ones.

This essay is going to be rather personal but I think it speaks to many problems that are inherent in playing any canon. My passion has usually been Buffy the Vampire Slayer rpgs so, naturally, I have tons of experience playing canons in them. My favorite canon of all time was Warren Mears. There was a time when I played him in nearly every club on a particular forum site. I was so good that I was getting invites to play him in new clubs and on other forum sites. I say ‘was’ because I will never play him again. Here are four reasons why:

Living vs Dead vs Back from the Dead vs Alternate Universe

If you aren’t familiar with Buffy, Warren was a bad guy on the show that was killed by Willow because he accidently killed her lesbian lover, Tara, because he was really trying to kill Buffy. Warren might have told Willow in those last moments before death that he was gonna walk away from her torture but he didn’t. She skinned him alive and kapowed his ass with a giant fireball. The series ended and the real Warren never came back.

This left me with several choices as to how to play Warren. The most common choice was play him returning from the dead. I had to come up with several wacky ways that allowed him to return and cause trouble. Then it became really ridiculous bringing him back and expecting him to pick up where he left off. Canons recognize him and depending on how they are playing their characters, most shut Warren down right away. So much for not God Moding or allowing a natural give and take between characters. Same thing happened to the Dead Warren I made (meaning he was sort of unDead but not a vampire). I’ll touch more on that in the Warren vs Mary Sue/Gary Stu Chapter.

Sometimes my Warrens existed in worlds where they were never killed or got they sucked in from other universes where they’d escaped death. These Warrens faced the challenges of remaining evil and facing the Mary Sues/Gary Stus or these Warrens turned good.

Good vs Evil

Spike was a character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer who started off evil. The only way he gained longevity on the show was to slowly turn good. Personally, good Warrens were as fun for me to play as bad Warrens (I could play Warren doing any mundane task and just get a great big kick out of it) but at some point, he’s not the Warren we all know and love anymore. He might as well have been a made up that latches onto the Scoobies because there’s nothing else for him to do except battle bad guys with them. BOOOOOOORRRRING!!!!!!!!!!!

Maintaining an evil Warren takes tons of cooperation from others and that’s not likely in a club of different personalities. Many people wouldn’t accept that I was Warren and I could wield the power of merging magic and science to build machines capable of bringing about the apocalypse. Instead I faced characters who were all, "Yeah? So what. You just look like a puny, little nerd to me."

Warren vs Mary Sues/Gary Stus

Suethors have no concept at all of good role playing. There’s no honest give and take because Suethors just take. More than take. They suck. They need to dominate every storyline and crush all conflict because they don’t want to create a story where things happen to them. They just want to come out of all situations looking wonderful, flawless and sparkly.

Mary Sues tend to catch on right away that Warren is trying to trick them. They instantly know he’s up to something the second they see him. He opens his mouth to try and get a dialogue going and they shoo him away because they instantly think he’s sleazy. I know I gave my computer screen the finger several times as a Mary Sue wouldn’t give me the time of day.

Gary Stus are worse. They usually have too much testerone and very little weiners so they don’t really care if they God mode or not. As soon as Warren is on the scene, even if he hasn't been sneaky yet, they grab him and beat the shit out of him. I’ve put up with many ass kickings on his behalf because some asshole Gary Stu has to prove something even though Warren may just be standing there putting batteries in his camera or looking at a hamburger he wants to eat.

Warren vs Sex

As Eddie Izzard put it, "If you’re a bit of a bastard, you’re more likely to get shagged."

On television, Warren spent most of his time being horny. You could make a good case that he probably became evil because of his sexual frustrations. When I played Warren I had to take into account that he thought most things out with his penis before his brain.

Now take into account all the chicks, like myself, who love a bad boy. Chicks throughout the rpg world were throwing themselves at my Warren. Little rpg Warren couldn’t swing a little rpg cat without hitting some honey who wanted to bang him.

I always had to ask whether or not the person I was role playing with was a kid or an adult. Kids, naturally, I said no to. Even if I wasn’t clear over someone’s age, I just said no. But if I knew the person was an adult, I decided to do the deed. I found out the hard way that once I let some chickie get into Warren’s pants, it was hard to get her out again. Maybe I just don’t get turned on by rpg sex like other people do but I found it boring and after, chicks were needy. I’m sure the real Warren would have been thrilled with this but I was getting annoyed with all the whiny, clingy chicks that were lining up to take him to bed and not let him go. Under my watch, Warren became a booty call for Willow, Anya, Amy, Faith and some made-up, half-demon witch named Jessica.

I have run out of interesting things to do with Warren and I’m tired of the reactions he causes people to have. Perhaps someday I’ll get brain damage and think I have to play him again, expecting a new plot and new experiences to come his way but I doubt it. For now, I have happily put him to rest now and my sanity has increased ever since.